Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:

• The "I Love You, Too" virus: Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.
• The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
• The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
• The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
• The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
• The "I'm looking for more of a commitment" virus - Receives the "I love you" virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called "hold for my sweetie" for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called "Golf with the guys" or "Night out with the Girls." It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your 'ex', and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.
• The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
• The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
• The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
• The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer's data.
• The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
• The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
• The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to your computer--if you're willing to pay the right price.
• The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
• The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
• The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
• The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com. -- This message is done on 100% recycled electrons.
• The "Let's just be friends" virus - Immediately deletes the "I love you" virus, sends a "Let's Just be friends" response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.
• The "Unsafe Sex" virus - Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.
• The "Safe Sex" virus - Wraps the "I Love You letter" in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.
• The "Sexual Harassment Lawsuit" virus - Forwards a copy of the "I Love You" virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over $100k.