• Hammer
  • In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

• Screwdriver
  • The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

• Phillips Screwdriver
  • The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

• Pliers
  • A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

• Multi-Pliers
  • Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it's leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase testosterone levels.

• Electronic Stud Finder
  • An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

• Halogen Light
  • A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

• Cordless Drill
  • A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

• Cordless Telephone
  • The handyman's 911.

• Air Compressor
  • A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

• Chainsaw
  • Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

• Vise Grips
  • A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.