TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I regret to inform you that you have been named as a possible cyber-sexual partner of someone who has tested positive for the ATTICS (Affliction Transmitted Through Internet Chat Sex) virus. It would benefit you to be tested and/or treated for this disease. ATTICS is highly contagious and can be spread by a simple "screw you" or "muuuuaaaahhhhh". It appears to be predominant in WebTV users but has been detected in the PC community.

Amusing as this may sound this is no laughing matter! ATTICS is a mainly psychological disorder but can fester into physical ailments if not treated. You will be provided with a list of symptoms, if you have any of these contact this office and forward this notice to all your cyber-sexual contacts!

The following is a list of symptoms, onset of these symptoms may be immediate or may remain undetected for years. PLEASE do not ignore these warning signs!!!!!

• Keyboard Courage
  • The threatening of another chatter for no logical reason.

• WooHoo
  • The uncontrollable urge to say wooooohoooooo to anything that may be deemed sexual in nature (may be a result of overactive woohoormones).

• Holiday Inn-hibition
  • The need to take someone to a private room.

• PTPUD (Post Traumatic Pop Up Disorder)
• Heavy reliance on popups.
• Horizontal Retinal Scan
• Inability to read anything that doesn't scroll up.
• Loss of Fingernails
• 'Nuff Said.
• Bedpan Complex
• Having a bucket next to the TV for human waste.
• Cyber Tourettes Syndrome
  • The random shouting of obscenities every time the phone rings.

• Red Eye
  • Elimination of any whites from the eye.

• Virtual Speed
  • The ability to make 2 lunches, fold a load of laundry, go pee, and put in a video, before your last comment leaves the screen.

• Sleep Apathy
  • Going without sleep to chat.

• Cyber Anorexia
  • Going without food to chat.

• Symbolic Dyslexia
  • The use of initials instead of words ie.: LMAO=LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.

• NIC Identity Crisis
  • The adoption of a nic as a second name.

If you encounter any of these symptoms feel free to contact me.

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME,

Dr. Ree Pete O'Fender
Internet Board of Disease Control