I am Steve Caze, newly crowned Grand Caliph of the Internet.

Welcome to AOLscape, the latest member of the AOL family. Let me describe to you some wonderful features of this new, powerful browser.

• After extensive scientific research, we have determined that the single most important thing an AOL user wants, is to know what other AOL users are wearing. I must admit that this question has caught me unawares at times when I went surfing in my lavender pajamas.

  Nonetheless, this is what my users want, and this is what they will get. The new browser will feature a "what-R-U-wEaRiNg???" button. This is the default AOL spelling, but you may change it as you wish.

• Annoying ads. Obviously you're wondering who would want these. Well, my 14 million members do. And now you will too. :)
• My new internet vision. My vision is based on one thing, and one thing only - free daily spam in your Email!

  Frankly, at times I suspect this is the stuff our members live for. Membership has skyrocketed since we started getting spammed here at AOL.

  Earlier I used to get irritated to find this crap every time I opened my inbox, but now I've grown to enjoy it first thing in the morning with a fresh cup of coffee. Of course, now you will too. ;)

• L33t Hax0r mode. The new browser will feature this advanced mode meant for elite teenage hackers and connoisseurs of warez. Allow me to illustrate this with an example.
  Normal user message: "Hi"
  L33t Hax0r message : "y0! aNy1 g0t aNy l33t mp3 wAr3z???"
• Your Friendly Neighborhood AOL guides (formerly known as Mozilla hackers). Yep, all those mozilla programmers will now troll through AOL "rooms" preventing cybersex. Let's face it, it's a whole lot more fun than debugging unix code.
• The internet. Now people will be able to use the Internet. From AOL. Imagine.
• Annoying noises. The rest of the net has been missing this basic feature. Now everytime you have new mail, your browser will say (yep, you guessed it) "You've got mail!". I apologize if you find this irritating, but AOL users are a little slow, if you catch my drift. Anyway, this goes great with the free daily spam feature.
• A raised middle finger to Microsoft. This will now be an icon on the toolbar. I've wanted to do this for a long time. Those JERKS! Making me buy their lousy @!#%?%^%*# piece-of-junk browser! Take THAT, suckers!
• New browser logo. That stupid "N" with flying comets will be replaced by a picture of my handsome smiling face. (I love my job!)

  (Note to Bill G: This is ONE thing you can't buy, buddy.)

• Newbie users. How can newbie AOL users be a browser "feature"? Boy, are you in for a BIG surprise!