You Know You're Getting Old When...

  • People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap to see if you're breathing.
  • You finally find something you've been looking for, for ages but can't remember why you wanted it.
  • You get to work before you discover you forgot to get dressed.
  • You reach the toilet you forgot what you wanted to do.
  • Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable under your armpits.
  • You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about.
  • Your spare tire is larger than your car's.
  • You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned in favor of a living specimen.
  • Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.
  • You are declined as an organ donor - you're told they're not sure if your organs are functional.
  • Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."
  • Bob Dole refers to you as, "old man."
  • Going to the bathroom at night used to require shoes, a candle and a corn cob.
  • The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit "The Evolution Of Man."
  • The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.
  • George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, "It's just you and me, kid." Update: "Now it's just you, kid!"
  • The dictionary adds your picture under the definition of "octogenarian."
  • You had to get rid of your dog he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.
  • Medicare states that you're too old for their coverage.
  • You can't be tried by a jury of your peers because there are none.
  • Universities inquire about your donating your body to science they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations.
  • You try to donate to a sperm bank but they insist they require live specimens.
  • Everyone is happy to give you a ride because they don't want you behind the wheel.
  • Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures.
  • Your bifocals need bifocals.
  • You're not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld because they may be too intense.
  • A passing funeral procession pauses to see if you need a lift.
  • You convince an attractive young lady to sleep with you but fail to convince your body parts to arise to the occasion.
  • Young girls feel safe in your presence knowing you couldn't possibly do anything.
  • Watching paint dry has a certain fascination.
  • Children often innocently ask you, "What did people do before electricity?" And you can't remember.
  • You can remember seeing double features for a nickel, sometimes with sound.
  • Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses, since you were there.
  • You are often asked to give a personal account of the story of creation.
  • You often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...
  • You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.



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