You Know Your Coven’s Getting Older When…

Posted on by

The ritual feast is puréed.
Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.
Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.
The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.
The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.
The coveners drive their RV’s to Scottsdale for Mabon.
When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.

‘

It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.
The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.
You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.
You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through 5′ of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual.
You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.
At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can’t remember why.
You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed.
Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
No one’s successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
You set comfy chairs around the circle.
When you sit on the floor and can’t get up again.
You do anointings with Aspercreme.
The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the fiber.
You don’t use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
You use a walker during the Wild Hunt.
You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
You need a flashlight to find the candles.

Signs That Your Child Might Be a Witch

Posted on by

Your child asks to use the broom to cleanse, I mean clean, their room.
There is always a steak knife missing.
Your smallest pan keeps disappearing and reappearing, and always smells like ashes and potpourri.
All your candle holders are missing.
They now enjoy going to the fabric store with you and they want thread, ribbon and cloth of every color of the rainbow.

Their Christmas and Birthday wish lists consist of:
a white or black full length bathrobe
blank journal books
window box herb gardens
and a box of candles in assorted colors.

You just figured out that every full or new moon your child asks to have 3 friends spend the night; and strangely they are very quiet all night.
Your child now says “Merry Meet Again” every morning to you and whenever they leave they say “Merry Part”.
Your recipe cards are disappearing and when you do find them you can’t make sense of the recipe since it doesn’t require any actual cooking.
Your child has a new ID bracelet that reads something like “RavenMoon” “StarWolf” or “SunDragon”.
Your child asks you one day for a compass, four pails of paint; blue, green, red, and yellow, so that they can paint their room correctly.
They insist that their first car be the color brown and have a license plate that says BROOM.
Their pillows are now filled with all your potpourri.
You ask your child to rake up the autumn leaves in the yard, and they come back with a small stick and a large stick; which you later find to have shiny objects on them and unidentifiable etchings.
Once a jar gets emptied in your house it ends up in your child’s room filled with various objects like pins, needles, hair, honey, paper, and soil.

Posted on by

The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
Iconology would be a major chapter.
A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months, without which your magik would no longer work.
Your broom would crash at least once a week.
Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
A Book of Shadows would be called a Folder of Magik.
A free high-speed connection spell would come with every book.
Every now and then your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the re-boot ritual to get it working again.
If you used the more powerful NT Magik, all circles within a 5 mile radius would go down.
At least once a month you would have to re-install your spells into your Folder of Magik.
You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle.