- The ritual feast is puréed.
- Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
- The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.
- Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.
- The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.
- The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.
- The coveners drive their RV’s to Scottsdale for Mabon.
- When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.
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- It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.
- The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.
- You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.
- You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through 5′ of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual.
- You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.
- At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.
- You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can’t remember why.
- You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.
- You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
- All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed.
- Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
- A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
- No one’s successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
- You set comfy chairs around the circle.
- When you sit on the floor and can’t get up again.
- You do anointings with Aspercreme.
- The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
- You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the fiber.
- You don’t use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.
- You use a walker during the Wild Hunt.
- You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
- You need a flashlight to find the candles.
- Your child asks to use the broom to cleanse, I mean clean, their room.
- There is always a steak knife missing.
- Your smallest pan keeps disappearing and reappearing, and always smells like ashes and potpourri.
- All your candle holders are missing.
- They now enjoy going to the fabric store with you and they want thread, ribbon and cloth of every color of the rainbow.
- Their Christmas and Birthday wish lists consist of:
a white or black full length bathrobe
blank journal books
window box herb gardens
and a box of candles in assorted colors.
- You just figured out that every full or new moon your child asks to have 3 friends spend the night; and strangely they are very quiet all night.
- Your child now says “Merry Meet Again” every morning to you and whenever they leave they say “Merry Part”.
- Your recipe cards are disappearing and when you do find them you can’t make sense of the recipe since it doesn’t require any actual cooking.
- Your child has a new ID bracelet that reads something like “RavenMoon” “StarWolf” or “SunDragon”.
- Your child asks you one day for a compass, four pails of paint; blue, green, red, and yellow, so that they can paint their room correctly.
- They insist that their first car be the color brown and have a license plate that says BROOM.
- Their pillows are now filled with all your potpourri.
- You ask your child to rake up the autumn leaves in the yard, and they come back with a small stick and a large stick; which you later find to have shiny objects on them and unidentifiable etchings.
- Once a jar gets emptied in your house it ends up in your child’s room filled with various objects like pins, needles, hair, honey, paper, and soil.
- The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
- Iconology would be a major chapter.
- A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months, without which your magik would no longer work.
- Your broom would crash at least once a week.
- Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
- A Book of Shadows would be called a Folder of Magik.
- A free high-speed connection spell would come with every book.
- Every now and then your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the re-boot ritual to get it working again.
- If you used the more powerful NT Magik, all circles within a 5 mile radius would go down.
- At least once a month you would have to re-install your spells into your Folder of Magik.
- You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle.
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