Valentine Signatures

The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine…. depending on your personality.

  • Bold — face it, you want me.
  • Clever — IOUXOXO
  • Cosmic — Didn’t we know each other in another time and place?
  • Dreamy — I never believed in love at first sight until you.
  • Enchantress — A valentine spell has been cast on you!
  • Femme Fatale — You cannot escape. I have ways to make you mine.
  • Athletic — How about a little one-on-one?
  • Musical — Always a love song in my heart for you.
  • No-nonsense — What are you waiting for?
  • Old fashioned — My mother warned me about guys/girls like you.
  • Sarcastic — Hey! I signed the card. What else do you want?
  • Scientific — The chemistry between us is definitely affirmative.
  • Self-assured — Be my valentine. “NO” is not an option.
  • Silly — You’re hotter than a jalapeno sandwich!
  • Wild Child — You are twisted and slightly dangerous. I like that in a person.
  • Worldly — Je t’aime! (translation from French “I love you”)

A Redneck’s Ode to His Valentine

Kudzu is green,
my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

You’re as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven,
I’m plumb outta my wits.

And speakin’ of wits,
You’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me
Back in ’74.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles
And stick ’em in the can.

Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft’ tread.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin’.

And when you get old
Like a ’57 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
“That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,”
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it’s a new ridin’ mower.

Valentine Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know on Valentine’s Day.” he said.

On Valentine’s Day, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled….

“The Meaning Of Dreams.”

White House Valentine Poems

  • After years of indiscretion,
    at last I’ve come to learn,
    that I must send this Valentine,
    To Whom it May Concern.
  • Valentine, I think you’re great,
    a Chief Executive who can delegate.
    And you warm this First Lady’s heart,
    by having interns do the unpleasant part.
  • On most every day,
    I like McDonald’s fries.
    On Valentine’s Day,
    I prefer Monica’s thighs — Super Sized!
  • Will you deny, Valentine?
  • Hey, Big Creep, on Valentine’s Day,
    we’ll play Marilyn and JFK.
    Just make sure that Hillary’s gone,
    ’cause you get me interned on!

  • How do I love thee?
    Let me count the entries in the visitors’ log.
  • Monica, Monica, quiet young mouse
    — taking her Bill to the floor of the House.
  • Hi there! Happy Valentine’s day!
    Sorry to serve your subpoena this way.
  • Roses are red,
    then they turn gray,
    My heart goes pitter-pat
    when you wear that beret.
  • Shall I compare thee to my high school drama teacher?
  • Twinkle, twinkle, Kenneth Starr,
    I talked to Vernon in the car.
    I promised him my lips are sealed,
    but I’ll change my mind, for a sweet book deal.
  • As soon as I’m finished bombing Iraq,
    I’d like to get you in the sack.
  • Will you,on the night in question of February 14th,
    be my Valentine?
  • Violets are blue,
    roses are thorny.
    All hell breaks loose,
    when Bubba gets horny.
  • I’ll bomb England, I’ll bomb France,
    If you’ll remove my underpants.

Valentine’s Day Greetings from the Mafia

  • My love for you… it came and went.
    So your feet are now in wet cement.
  • I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
    Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
  • Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
    Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.
  • I picked up this card from a slim selection
    But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
    Love, J. Doe
  • I’ve waited so long for you to be mine.
    Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.
  • Be my Valentine,
    and we can do it execution-style.
  • Cinderella got her fella,
    with a slipper made of glass;
    So please be mine, Valentine,
    or I’ll have to whack your ass.
  • Violets are blue,
    roses are red,
    I blew up your car
    So why ain’t you dead?
  • The day we met, my little pet,
    I knew with just one look
    You’d bear a son, and now that’s done,
    So shut your mouth and cook!
  • Hey.
  • Youse da greatest.
    Youse da best.
    But you’re as untouchable
    as Elliot Ness.
  • Lust is fleeting,
    true love lingers.
    Be mine always
    and you’ll keep your fingers.
  • Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know,
    dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.
  • Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
    So I won’t be a self-made man.
  • When a goon makes you die,
    Cuz you told him goodbye
    — that’s amore!

Love Bites My Ass

Hearts and roses and kisses galore,
What the hell is all that crap for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass,
Before I shove something up Cupid’s ass.
I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak
And wear black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Cause I think this love thing is a crock of shit.
So, here’s my story… what else can I say?
Love bites my ass… Screw Valentines Day!!