All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From My Therapist

  • You should feel guilty.
  • Of course you have to pay for missed appointments.
  • Quit complaining and get a cat.
  • If sex isn’t dirty, you’re doing it wrong.
  • You’re not really ugly. You’re just funny looking.
  • Reality. Try it!
  • Quit blaming your mother. It’s your father’s fault.
  • Learn to dread one day at a time.
  • If you’re really happy, you must be in denial.
  • You’re still having a lousy childhood. Get help!
  • Being happy isn’t for everyone.
  • If you hear voices telling you to go to Hawaii, obey. Just don’t think about it.
  • This is as good as it gets.
  • If your inner child robs a bank, it’s you who will go to jail.
  • Before you start a 12-step program, be sure to see a podiatrist.
  • Sex is no problem. No sex is a problem.
  • Only hams get cured. Uh-huh.