- Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
- Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
- Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
- Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
- Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
- Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
- Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
- Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
- When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what
- Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
- Play with the automatic doors.
- Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid
- While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crap,
- Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
- Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
- Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
- Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
- As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
- Put M&M’s on layaway.
- Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
- Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
- Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
- Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
- Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
- TP as much of the store as possible.
- Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
- Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
- When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
- When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
- Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples
- Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
- Take bets on the battle described above.
- Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
- While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as
spastic as possible.
- Hold indoor shopping cart races.
- Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
- Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
- Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
- Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
- Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
- Two words: “Marco Polo.”
- Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
- “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
- In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
- When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
- Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices
- Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
- Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you
don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large powerful corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like sparrows in a jet turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really.
- Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
- Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
- Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
- Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
- At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
- Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
- Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
- Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen…
- …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”.
- Follow patrons of D. Balton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
- Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
- Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”
- Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
- Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
- Test mattresses in your pajamas.
- Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
- If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
- Sprint up the down escalator.
- Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.
- Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
- Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
- Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
- At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
- Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
- Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
- Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
- Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
- Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
- In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France…”
- Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
- Play the tuba for change.
- Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play “Jesus Built My Hotrod”.
- Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
- Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz”.
- Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have “any giant crap made out of straw”.
- “Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
- Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
- Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
- Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
- Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling “scratch one flattop!”
- Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”.
- “Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
- Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
- Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
- If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
- Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”
- Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
- At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
- Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”
- Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in”.
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors”.
- Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
- Dont use any punctuation marks
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
- Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
- Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
- Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Rock.
- When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!!!!!”
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
- Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
- Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like
- Garage Sale
Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!
- X-Rays at Airports
Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. An absolute classic…
- Oil Spot
At night pour used oil underneath the victim’s car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too.
- Flat Tire
Very similar to the Oil Spot, but with a twist. Let most of the air out of one of your victim’s tires. Keep doing this each night, and watch as they call a tow truck or the Automobile Club day after day. Odd how those new tires keep losing air, too.
- Paper Money
Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim’s name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. Another favorite…
- Fax Machines
Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim’s fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim’s fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as Oil Spot.
Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim’s house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again.
- Contact NASA by saying, “Whitney Houston, we have a problem!”
- Spike the Tang with Folger’s Crystals.
- Paste a “Hyundai” logo on the main control panel.
- Tape photo of Keith Richards to window and then tell crew, “There’s a hideous Martian outside the ship!”
- Dump sewage tank over Iraq.
- Fill someone’s oxygen tank with Heinz’ Homestyle Beef Gravy.
- Ring doorbell on Mir Spacestation; quickly float away.
- Hide the experimental bee hive in someone’s space suit.
- Sneak action figure from “Alien” movies aboard, then pretend it pops out of your stomach during dinner.
- Egg the moon.
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
- Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- One word: Flatulence!
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
- Do Tai Chi exercises.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
- Give religious tracts to each passenger.
- Meow occasionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
- Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
- Start a singalong.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “Is that your cell phone?”
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say “Ding!” at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
- Bring a chair along.
- Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
- Blow spit bubbles.
- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
- Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Wear “XRay Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
- Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”
- Get on a crowded elevator on a reasonably high floor. Without saying a word, press every button, turn to the other passengers, and grin maniacally. Get off *one* floor below the the one you got on, then hurry and take the stairs down so you can meet the elevator on the next floor. When the door opens, flash the same grin and say, “You were talking about me…weren’t you?”
- Another good thing to do in an elevator, is to start talking about the movie SPEED or humming the theme from it. Generally works best in express elevators.
- In a crowded elevator, bring a calculator and add up peoples weights, then inform them politely that they are over capacity.
- Charge addmission.
- Ask if someone will hold your hand.
- Bring a friend and trade shoes, hats, coats etc.
- Pass out gum and see who can blow the biggest bubble.
- Bow to each passenger.
- Have someone tie your sleeves in back of you.
- Floss, and then offer your floss to others politely
- Ask if someone has any gum, if they do, give it to the next passenger
- Bring a walkman and sing along to Weird Al.
- Smack your gum.
- Bring a friend and have a belching contest.
- Ball room dance if it’s a big elevator.
- Read the dictionary.
- Collect tips.
- Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”
- Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.”
- Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
- Say, “Damn, this water’s cold.”
- Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
- Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
- Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
- Say, “Now how did that get there?”
- Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
- Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
- Say, “Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.”
- Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”
- Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.”
- Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
- Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”
- Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”
- Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
- Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
- Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”
- Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free”.
During 12th grade, I read a book called “Stupid Mac Tricks.” One of the tricks in it was how to replace the Mac’s startup screen. As a joke, I made a graphic of a black-bordered white box with a gray background. The text in the box read, “This computer will self-destruct in ten seconds. Thank you, Apple Computer Co.” I made this the startup screen for a computer in my high school’s computer lab.
The next day an “out of order” sign was taped to the monitor. The lab attendants usually wrote the reason on the bottom edge of the paper, so I leaned in to read what had been written there. It said, “Will self-destruct.”
One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our blonde female employees flagged me down and asked for help.
“My floppy drive won’t work, can you help me?”
I told her I’d take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5″ floppy drive.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a straight face. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
“Oh, you mean the condom!”
“Yes, John and Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses.”
By this point John and Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The “condom” turned out to be a standard 3.5″ plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn’t do that anymore, then she asked in a dead-serious voice:
“Does that mean I don’t have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?”
- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “NO!!! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
- Mumble “If it says escape, how come I can’t escape this freaking lab!” just loud enough for those next to you to hear.
- Press the Help Key (F1) repeatedly, screaming such oddball statements as “Help? You call that help?” and “And just when does the REAL help person arrive?” or “Doesn’t this give me a direct link to the Help Desk?” at your screen as it flips out.
- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.
- Reconfigure the keyboards to use different language layouts.
- Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…”
- Make up commands and ask everyone if they know what they do. (Like Flip.. the diskettes say they are double sided, double density, right? Well, Flip lets you use the other side. And what about Perk… it is supposed to make things go faster and refresh your screen more frequently…)
- Have a contest to see how far you can throw your mouse ball. Get the rest of the lab to take bets to see who can toss their balls the furthest.
- Caress your mouse tenderly as you wrap your hand around it. Make kissing noises everytime you have to click one of the buttons.
- Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pants and say, “Oops, I forgot.”
- Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the floppy disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
- Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
- Run around asking everyone which key is the “Any” key. Insist it has to be just one certain key.
- Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
- Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!” and then calmly sit down and begin to type.