You’re Not Old Unless You Can Remember…

  • Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
  • When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
  • When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for “gym.”
  • When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
  • When nearly everyone’s mom was at home when the kids got there.
  • When nobody owned a purebred dog.
  • When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.
  • When you’d reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
  • When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
  • When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
  • When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.
  • When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking,….. for free, every time and you didn’t pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!
  • When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
  • When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
  • When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
  • When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed…and did!
  • When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
  • When women were called, “Mrs. John Smith,” instead of their own name.

You’re Old When…

  • You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
  • You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You enjoy watching the news.
  • The phone rings and you hope its not for you.
  • The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
  • You’re proud of your lawn mower.
  • You start singing along with the elevator music.
  • You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
  • You routinely check the oil in your car.
  • You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve come back into style –TWICE.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • 8 AM is your idea of “sleeping in.”
  • You write thank you notes without being told.
  • Neighbors borrow your tools.
  • You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”
  • Others ask for your recipes.
  • You start Christmas shopping in August.
  • You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
  • You don’t like to drive after dark.
  • You say the words, “Turn that music down!” too often.
  • You point out what buildings used to be where.
  • You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
  • You rake the yard without being told to.
  • You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
  • The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.

On Aging…

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

“How old are you?”

“I’m four and a half.”

You’re never 36 and a half ….You’re four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21….Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What’s wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you’re PUSHING 40….stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You’re PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday…

You get into your 80’s; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won’t even buy green bananas. “Well, it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”

And it doesn’t end there….

Into the 90’s, you start going backwards. “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half.”

How Old Are You Really… ?

(The answers are at the end, but don’t cheat!!!!!!!!!!!)

  1. Name the 4 Beatles.
    _________________
    _________________
    _________________
    _________________
  2. Finish the line: “Lions and Tigers and Bears, ______ _____!”
  3. “Hey kids, what time is it?” _____ ______ _____ _____.
  4. What do M&M’s do? ___ ___ ___ ___, ____ ____ ____ ____
  5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?______ _______.
  6. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _______ ______.
  7. You’ll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____.”
  8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper’s “little buddy.” But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie’s closest friend, _____ G. _____.
  9. M-I-C, …. See ya’ real soon, …. K-E-Y, _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!
  10. “Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ _____.”
  11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.
  12. From the early days of our music, real rock ‘n roll, finish this line: “I wonder, wonder, wonder…wonder who ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?”
  13. And while we’re remembering rock n’ roll, try this one: “War…uh-huh, huh, …yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____.”
  14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.
  15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings. He is Broadway _____ _______.
  16. “I’m Popeye the sailor man; I’m Popeye the sailor man. I’m strong to the finish, ____ _____ ____ ___ ______, …. I’m Popeye the sailor man.”
  17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______ _______.
  18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne’er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, “What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____.”
  19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. “Just think, you won’t have ____ ____ to kick around anymore.”
  20. “Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda’ broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn’t give no lip to _____ _____, _____ _____ _____.”
  21. “I found my thrill, _____ _____ _____.”
  22. ________ ________ said, “Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _____ _____ ____.”
  23. “Good night, David.” “_____ ______,______.”
  24. “Liar, liar, ____ ____ _____.”
  25. “When it’s least expected, you’re elected. You’re the star today. _______! _____ ______ ______ ______.”
  26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, “We have met the enemy, and ____ ___ ____.”

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Answers


  1. John, Paul, George, Ringo

  2. Oh, my!

  3. It’s Howdy Doody Time!

  4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

  5. Wonder Bread

  6. Cassius Clay

  7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

  8. Maynard G. Krebbs

  9. Why? Because we like you.

  10. A little dab’ll do ya.

  11. over 30

  12. who wrote the book of love

  13. Absolutely nothin’

  14. the American way

  15. Joe Namath

  16. “cause I eats me spinach”

  17. Mary Martin

  18. is a failure to communicate

  19. Richard Nixon

  20. Big John, Big Bad John

  21. On Blueberry Hill

  22. Wherever you are.

  23. Good night, Chet.

  24. pants on fire

  25. Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!

  26. he is us


Scoring


  • 24-26 correct – 50+ years old
  • 20-23 correct – 40’s
  • 15-19 correct – 30’s
  • 10-14 correct – 20’s
  • 0- 9 correct – You’re, like, sorta a teenage dude

An Aging Peanuts Gang

Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they’ve been around almost 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to Charles Schulz:

  • Charlie Brown:
    Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.
  • Linus:
    Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.
  • Lucy:
    Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn’t thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.
  • Schroeder:
    After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won’t let anybody lean on his piano.
  • Sally:
    Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Baboo. Sells Mary Kay.
  • Peppermint Patty:
    Women’s athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: “Sandals go with everything.”
  • Snoopy:
    In dog years, he be 350. What do you think would’ve happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy farm in Snoopy’s memory.

The Benefits of Older Women

  • An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think.
  • An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
  • An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
  • The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets… which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
  • An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
  • Older women can run faster because they’re always wearing sensible shoes.
  • An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there’s no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
  • Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an as*hole if you’re acting like one. A young woman will say nothing,
    just in case it means you might break up with her.
  • An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know…
  • Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
  • An older woman will never accuse you of “using her.” She’s using you!
  • Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call…
  • Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
  • An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get any ideas…
  • Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
  • Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don’t wear underwear at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
  • Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
  • An older woman will agree to go to McDonald’s with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody
    that they might possibly boff later.
  • Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
  • Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can’t get it up. A younger woman may need some
    time to grasp this fact.
  • An older woman has lots of girlfriends… and most of them will want to screw you too.
  • An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
  • An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

Are You Old Enough to Remember…?

  • all soft drinks came in bottles and you could get a deposit back.
  • cars had no air-conditioning.
  • there was “free air” at all service stations.
  • there were S&H green stamps.
  • you could go as a child and buy your mom a pack of cigarettes.
  • music was on vinyl records 45 rpm and albums were 78 rpm.
  • there was one light (red) on top of police cars.
  • there was only AM radio.
  • everyone took the bus to town.
  • you could go and see a live Jan & Dean concert for $3.00.
  • gas was .26 a gallon and ethel was way too high at .30.
  • Typing Class was noisy.
  • girls had big hair.
  • you only had GM, Ford and Chrysler making cars in the US.
  • most of the change in your pocket was pure silver.
  • no one ever heard of bankruptcy, divorce or KY jelly.
  • football helmets came without face guards.
  • the Network News was only 15 minutes long.
  • motor oil came in metal containers.
  • toothpaste came in metal tubes.
  • the balcony at the movie theatre had the best view.
  • Cracker Jacks had a decent and unusual prize in it.
  • the only sideburns you saw were on the pictures of dead presidents.
  • every one you knew had a Smallpox scar.
  • you believed everything the Government said.
  • the worst you could do socially was drink a beer.
  • every house had a tall outside TV antennae.
  • you could call a Doctor and he would come to your house (the same day).
  • men put on a suit, they also put on a hat.
  • Atomic War was a real everyday thought.
  • men carried metal lunch boxes to work.

How to Stay Young by George Carlin

  • Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
  • Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
  • Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.. Never let the brain idle. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
  • Enjoy the simple things.
  • Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
  • The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
  • Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
  • Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
  • Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
  • Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don’t send this to at least 8 people…. who cares?

You Know You’re Getting Older When…

  • You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
  • Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
  • At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
  • Your back goes out, but you stay home.
  • When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
  • It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  • When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  • When happy hour is a nap.
  • When you’re on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.
  • When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
  • When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
  • When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
  • Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
  • It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  • Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
  • Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  • The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
  • Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
  • The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
  • It takes twice as long – to look half as good.
  • Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.
  • You look for your glasses for half an hour, and they were on your head the whole time.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak – and they stay there.
  • You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
  • You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
  • You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
  • You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.