The Revised Miranda Rights

  • Verbal Version 1
    • You have the right to remain motionless,
      or you may elect to run away from me.
      Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to
      chase you down to the ends of the earth.
      You have the right to have your lawyer run with you.
      Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate
      will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
      If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race,
      beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your
      intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
      You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
      Good luck. On your mark, get set…. GO!!!!!
  • Verbal Version 2
    • You have the right to swing first. Anything you do
      can and will lead to an ass-kicking.
      You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT
      present at the time of the ass-kicking.
      If you don’t have a priest, one will be appointed
      free of charge, to read you your last prayer.
  • Written Version

      ___ No, I don’t care who you are.
      ___ No, I don’t care who you know.
      ___ Yes… you DO pay my salary.
      ___ Yes… you CAN have my job.
      ___ No, I don’t have anything better to do.
      ___ Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
      ___ No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (ethnic group/race).
      ___ No, I can’t give you a break.
      ___ No, I don’t know your friend, Officer ______.
      ___ Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
      ___ Yes, I’m sure you will never do it again.
      ___ No, we can’t talk about it.
      ___ Yes, it DOES make me happy.
      ___ Yes, you WILL see me in court.

    Thank you, have a nice day… TOMORROW!!!

    Your Arresting Officer ________________