Midlife for Women

  • Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
  • Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
  • Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
  • Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!
  • Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”
  • Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
  • Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
  • You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
  • Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
  • Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
  • Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
  • The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
  • You know you’ve crossed the midlife threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of “Stairway to Heaven” in the produce department.
  • Midlife is when your 1970’s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
  • Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
  • You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.

Signs You Might Be Experiencing Menopause

  • Hot Flashes
    You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
  • Night Sweats
    The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.
  • Mood Swings
    Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
  • Memory Loss
    You write post-it notes with your kid’s names on them.
  • Irritability
    Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home,” and your reply is, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie f**king Nelson.”
  • Sleeplessness
    The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
  • Fatigue
    You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
  • Mild Incontinence
    You change your underwear after every sneeze.
  • Sudden Weight Gain
    You need the ‘Jaws Of Life’ to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
  • Dryness
    You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.
  • Female Hormone Deficiency
    You take a sudden interest in”Wrestlemania”.
  • Hormone Therapy
    You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.