If Biblical Headlines Were Written Today

  • On Red Sea crossing:
    WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
    Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
  • On David vs. Goliath:
    HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
    Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
  • On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
    FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
    400 Killed
  • On the birth of Christ:
    HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
    Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
  • On feeding the 5,000:
    PREACHER STEALS CHILD’S LUNCH
    Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
  • On healing the 10 lepers:
    LOCAL DOCTOR’S PRACTICE RUINED
    “Faith Healer” Causes Bankruptcy
  • On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
    MADMAN’S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
    Local Farmer’s Investment Lost
  • On raising Lazarus from the dead:
    FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
    Will Reading to be Delayed

Actual Newspaper Headlines

  • Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
  • Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
  • Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
  • House passes gas tax onto senate
  • Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
  • Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
  • William Kelly was fed secretary
  • Milk drinkers are turning to powder
  • Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
  • Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
  • Farmer bill dies in house
  • Iraqi head seeks arms
  • Some become unintentionally suggestive:

  • Queen Mary having bottom scraped
  • Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
  • Prostitutes appeal to Pope
  • Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
  • NJ judge to rule on nude beach
  • Child’s stool great for use in garden
  • Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
  • Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
  • Organ festival ends in smashing climax
  • Grammar often botches other headlines:

  • Eye drops off shelf
  • Squad helps dog bite victim
  • Dealers will hear car talk at noon
  • Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
  • Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
  • Miners refuse to work after death
  • Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
  • Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
  • Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

  • Never withhold herpes from loved one
  • Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
  • Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
  • Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better
  • Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

  • If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while
  • War dims hope for peace
  • Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
  • Cold wave linked to temperatures
  • Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
  • Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years
  • Man is fatally slain
  • Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
  • Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Year’s Best Headlines

  • Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  • Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  • Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  • Eye Drops Off Shelf
  • Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  • Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
  • Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  • Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  • Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  • War Dims Hope for Peace
  • If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Deer Kill 17,000
  • Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  • Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
  • Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Brilliant Newspaper Headlines

  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  • Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  • Farmer Bill Dies in House
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  • Stud Tires Out
  • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  • Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
  • British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  • Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  • Eye Drops off Shelf
  • Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  • Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  • Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  • Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  • Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  • Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  • Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  • Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  • Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
  • War Dims Hope for Peace
  • If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  • Deer Kill 17,000
  • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  • Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  • Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
  • British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  • Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  • Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  • Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  • Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  • Air Head Fired
  • Steals Clock, Faces Time
  • Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
  • Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  • Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  • Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  • Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  • Include your Children When Baking Cookies
  • 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

Headlines From The Year 2050

  • Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
  • Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobilof Monopoly Charges
  • 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
  • Baby Conceived Naturally
  • It Wasn’t the Cigarettes — It Was the Ashtrays
  • Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President
  • Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
  • Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
  • Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome young Actor. “This Is True Love,” He Beams.
  • Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In DC
  • Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
  • Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife
  • Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
  • Younger Generation’s Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
  • DC National Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
  • Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby’s
  • Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper’s Allegations