- If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down. When you’re done with the toilet seat, put it back up.
- Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
- Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
- If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear.
- Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
- Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
- Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
- No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
- Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
- Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
- Check your oil!
- Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
- It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
- No, it does not matter which quiz.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
- Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
- Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. If you dress like an easy woman, you should expect to be treated like one.
- More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
- The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
- ALL men see in only 16 colors, like old windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
- Pumpkin is also a fruit.
- If it itches, it will be scratched. Also, if we have to pass gas or burp, we will.
- Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
- If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
- We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about making out with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
- What the hell is a doily?
Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest-back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.
- Rule #1
Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase “it’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often, you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
- Rule #2
The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
- Rule #3
Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
- Rule #4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
- Rule #5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
- Rule #6
It’s not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
- Rule #7
Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
- Rule #8
Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new lease on life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
- Rule #9
Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom, nor a soap opera. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.
- Rule #10
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
- Rule #11
Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.
- Don’t throw a brick straight up.
- Don’t take long naps while driving.
- Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
- Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.
- Don’t microwave yourself too often.
- Don’t stick body parts into electrical outlets.
- When using an acetylene torch, don’t feel the flame to see if it’s sufficiently hot.
- If you’re on a ball field and someone shouts, “Heads up!” don’t actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
- Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
- When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
- No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
- When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
- When you find a prize in a box of “Crackerjacks,” there is no need to report it on your income tax return.
- “Time” magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
- One + one = two. Try to remember that.
- Don’t count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.
- If you discover that February only has 28 days, don’t report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.
- For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.
If you found above rules useful, under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
April 1st is Your special high holy day.
Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:
- Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
- Beach’s Law
Identical parts aren’t.
- Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
- Tussman’s Law
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
- Lowery’s Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
- Peer’s Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
- William’s Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
- Handy Guide to Modern Science:
If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s Biology.
If it stinks, it’s Chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s Physics.
- IBM’s Pollyanna Principle
Machines should work. People should think.
- The Dilbert Principle
The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage – management.
- Ehrlich’s Law
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
- Ralph’s Observation
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
- Cannon’s Comment
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
- Cole’s Law
Thinly sliced cabbage.
- The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
- The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
- Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant.
- Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
- Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
- Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him … get a good lawyer …keep his house.