A Guide For Giving the Ideal Gift

  • For a Man: Something that can be assembled, fixed, eaten, or played with.
  • For a Child: Something that can be broken, eaten, or played with.
  • For a Woman: Something that can be related to.
  • For a Teacher: Something with class.
  • For a Dog: Something that can be eaten, chewed, or chased.
  • For a Dentist: Something that can be filled, drilled, or pulled.
  • For a Postal Worker: Something that can be licked, or stamped.

Guide to Giving Gifts to Women

  • Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. A few examples: a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is a variable-speed vibrator, adjustable to Slow, Medium, and Who Needs A Man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling throughout the evening. In other words, if you must buy her something that plugs in, make sure it gives her the kind of pleasure you never have.
  • Any bulk cleaning supplies (e.g., “Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you’ve been wanting!” … “This Windex should last you a while” … “I got a good deal on the industrial-strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run (or die a painful death). One more thing: A Chia Pet is NOT a romantic gift.
  • Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”
  • Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter-inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift…unless, of course, she’s into tools — in which case, buy the damn drill SHE wants, not the drill YOU want.
  • Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back, or a Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon-character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).
  • No-name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, a ten-dollar whore or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
  • Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We do test them, you know.)
  • Do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you’re a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say it’s beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “Where the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint: plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.
  • Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “Do these pants make me look fat?” A better alternative would be to hire a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. She’ll certainly get a workout stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills into his G-string. I’m not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.
  • Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or “funny” novelty books like “How Not to Be a Bitch Sunday Through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, but reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it — and just may stand up in court of law as grounds for justifiable homicide.

Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts

FROM: laocoon@d…
TO: all
SB: Greeks bearing gifts


The “gift” is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.

If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.




FROM: hector@s…
TO: laocoon@d…
RE: Greeks bearing gifts

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I’ve seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the “Midas Touch.”

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

  1. This “Forward this message to everyone you know” crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
  2. Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
  3. It’s signed “from Poseidon.” Granted he’s had his problems with Odysseus but he’s one of their guys, isn’t he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
  4. Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Buying Gifts for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

  • Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
  • Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
  • Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
  • Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
  • Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
  • Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
  • Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Real men do not stink – they are earthy.
  • Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.
  • Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
  • Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)
  • Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
  • Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
  • Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
  • Rule #14: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
  • Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.

Gifts for the Computer Addict

Are you having a hard time finding the right gift for the computer addict whose PC has everything? Not another Dilbert necktie, or King’s Quest XLVIII. Try one of these.

  • CD-ROM rewinder. (For blondes only.)
  • Virtual reality beer.
  • NoseBlaster smell card — the latest in multi-media technology. The deluxe version comes with direct-feed nostril tubes for the ultimate in virtual olfactory experience.
  • True-Type font modeled on their handwriting. The last word in non-reversible encryption. (May not be exported from the country.)
  • 72-inch monitor.
  • 20-foot mouse extension cord – a must for the 72-inch monitor.
  • Michael Jackson-to-Michael Jackson Morph screen saver — endless variations.
  • Bedpan — Why leave your computer just for that? (Not for use with NoseBlaster.)