- “Actually, I’ve been here for over 20 minutes, big guy — I was just out chillin’ in the van waiting for the end of the live version of ‘Freebird’.”
- “I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you’re on.”
- “We’re *open* on Tuesdays?!?”
- “It took this long to get the ol’ blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.”
- “I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.”
- “My proctologist got stuck.”
- “It was Senator Kennedy’s turn to drive today, so I’ve spent the last hour swimming.”
- “I’m late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company’s office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.”
- “Hey, time becomes meaningless when you’re as strung out on crystal meth as I am.”
- “Sorry, Sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.”
- “Heidi Klum refused to untie me.”
- “On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel.”
- “I’m sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you — uh — this box of ten donuts.”
- “It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning… Sir.”
- “My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by ‘my dog’ I mean your wife, and by ‘ate my presentation’ I mean ‘was boinking me’.”
- “These are not the ‘droids you’re looking for.”
Tag Archives: excuses
No Excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special ‘No Excuse Sunday.’
- Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, ‘Sunday is my only day to sleep in.’
- They will have steel helmets for those who say, ‘The roof will cave in if I ever came to church.’
- Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
- There will be hearing aids for those who say, ‘The paster speaks too softly,’ and cotton for those who say, ‘He preaches too loudly.’
- Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
- Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
- There will be TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner too.
- Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.
I’d Love to But….
- I want to spend more time with my blender.
- The man on television told me to say tuned.
- It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
- I’m building a pig from a kit.
- I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
- There’s a disturbance in the Force.
- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
- I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
- I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
- I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
- My plot to take over the world is thickening.
- I have to fulfill my potential.
- It’s too close to the turn of the century.
- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
- I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
- I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
- I’m trying to be less popular.
- I have to study for a blood test.
- I have to rotate my crops.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
- …..and, I won’t accept YES for an answer!!