Heavenly Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.” He thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.”

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time, too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, “Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.” God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them…. give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said……. ?

You didn’t get one either, huh?

How to Tell You’re an Email Junkie

  • You wake up at 3 am to go the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
  • You name your children Eudora, Aol and Dotcom.
  • You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  • You spend half of the plane ride with your laptop on your lap…and your child in the overhead compartment.
  • You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
  • You laugh at people with 33.6 baud modems.
  • You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  • You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com
  • You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  • You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.
  • You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.
  • You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
  • You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  • You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
  • After reading this message, you immediately email it to a friend.
  • After forwarding this to everyone in your address book, you share it on Facebook.

The Ten Commandments of Email

  • Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
  • Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
  • Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
  • Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
  • Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
  • Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
  • Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
  • Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
  • Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
  • When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
  • And, here’s the “Golden Rule” of E-Mail:
    That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Reply to Adult Spam

(..when you receive Adult sites via spam in your email, you might try to reply them like this:..)

Dear Sir,

Thank you very much for the letter you sent informing me of your Adult Web site. My brothers and sisters weren’t too happy with your site’s contents.

I was able to find your home address, thanks to the new altar boy that just moved into town. We contacted your local parish and the local Reverend was shocked at the business you are running.

He told me that he will be sure to talk to the fellowship and see that you attend the next prayer meeting. He has reserved this Sunday night at 7 so that you can explain your business to the fellowship.

I have subscribed you to the E-PRAYER listserve group, which will bring you 200 holy e-mail messages everyday.

There is no need to thank me. The Lord works in wondrous way! Your sending that e-mail to me was the Lord telling me that you are calling for help.

–Father McMichael

AOL Mail: Okay for Others, but Not Corporate

And it goes on to say, “In a humbling reversal, AOL Time Warner Inc. is retreating from a top-level directive that required the divisions of the old Time Warner to convert to an e-mail system based on AOL software and run by America Online’s giant public server computers in Virginia.

“Among the problems cited: The e-mail software frequently crashed, staffers weren’t able to send messages with large attachments, they were often kicked offline without warning, and if they tried to send messages to large groups of users they were labeled as spammers and locked out of the system. Sometimes, e-mails were just plain lost in the AOL ether world and never found. And if there was an out-of-office reply function, most people couldn’t find it.”

My favorite quote in the article was, “When computers crashed in the Washington bureau of Time magazine due to the e-mail software, staffers sometimes sung out, “So easy to use, no wonder it’s number one!’

At one point yesterday, a complete stranger walked up to me and said, “Sir, if you don’t stop smiling like that, the top of your head will fall off because the corners of your mouth are about to meet at the back of your noggin’.”