Toy Disclaimers

  • No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
  • Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
  • Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
  • Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
  • Some dismemberment may occur.
  • Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
  • Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you’ve already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.
  • Do not stare at product. Hey! You’re doing it now! Cut that out!!
  • In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
  • Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
  • Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
  • Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
  • NOTE: The makers of “Queen Amidala’s Naboo Dream Palace” assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
  • Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Check Disclaimer for Software Purchases

Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software:

This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don’t come whimpering back to me if it bounces.

The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I’m going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.

This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said… Oh well. You get the idea.

You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:

  1. Calling my bank to inquire about the status of my account;
  2. Thanking me at the conclusion of our business transaction;
  3. Going to bed at the end of this or any other day; or
  4. Using any toilet or rest room.

Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy. Any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, any two of the above, or all three.

Thank you and have a nice day!