Differences

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

“There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

“But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

“Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life’s stormy seas?”

Herman raised his hand and said, “Easy. One of them got caught.”

Cultural Differences Explained

  • Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
    Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
    Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
    Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
  • Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
    Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
    Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
    Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.
  • Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
    Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
    Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
    Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
  • Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
    Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
    Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
    Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
  • Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
    Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
    Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
    Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
  • Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
    Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
    Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
    Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
  • Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
    Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
    Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backwards country.
    Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backwards country.
  • Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
    Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
    Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
    Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
  • Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
    Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
    Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
    Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed

  • Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.
  • Last year’s pitchfork not compatible with this year’s hay.
  • Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to “wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta.”
  • The “Good Plague” hoax.
  • Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.
  • The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.
  • Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.
  • Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill’s haircut.
  • Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.
  • Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.
  • The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.