Lovey Howell’s Diary is Sold


The diary of Eunice “Lovey” Howell was sold at Christie’s auction house today to a representative of Professor Roy Hinkley, Ph.D., during a sealed bid.

Hinkley, known as The Professor, was trying to keep the stories of his love affair with the wife of Thurston Howell III while shipwrecked on a deserted island a secret.

But investigators for Fox News and the Jerry Springer Show blew the lid off of the steamy memoirs. Page after lurid page of secret meetings with “My Bendy Boy, sweet Gilligan” and “Rocket Man”, an obvious reference to the Professor.

Reached at the Pacific Bay Retirement Home, Willy Gilligan was asked about his affair with “Lovey”. “She was a wild woman. Thurston couldn’t handle her. She was too much woman for him. We used to sneak off down to the lagoon when everyone else was asleep. Everyone thought I was doing Mary Ann, but, it was the Skipper she had the hots for. Go figure.”

Gilligan admitted Mrs. Howell had used some of Thurston’s own money to set up a trust fund for Gilligan so he could live out his days in comfort once they returned to the mainland. He confesses that he was angry when he found out about Mrs. Howell’s additional affair with The Professor, but has come to grips with it.

“You see, all Thurston thought about was money. Stock markets. I was her lover because I had youth and stamina. The Professor, though, he taught her things. He showed her how to build a nuclear reactor from a coconut. He taught her how to extract gold from seawater using nothing but a papaya. That always got her hot. The more I think about it, the more I truly believe the reason the Professor could never fix the boat was because he was boning Mrs. Howell.”

Diary of a Smoker Quitting

  • Day One: Shit.
  • Day One again only the next day:
    Have tried to kill husband twice.
    Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
    Same for bathroom.
    Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
    Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches,
    which remind me of doobie roaches,
    which remind me of cigarettes.
    Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
    Eat leftover beans from last night – that’ll show him.
    Walk by computer and wave occasionally.
    Can’t sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area.
    It’s about four-o’ clock now;
    I could have just one, I could have just one,
    I could have just one.
    That’s Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me;
    ‘he’ could be a chick, but frankly,
    right now, I don’t frigging care.
    Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation.
    Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.
  • Day two, morning:
    Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
    Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.
    Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall.
    Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water “to assist my system flush poison.”
    Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
    Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.
  • Day 2, afternoon:
    See husband off to airport for business trip.
    Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
    Did all laundry out of necessity – body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
    Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
    Decide to take walk.
    Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
    She is smoking a cigarette.
    I tell her no out of spite.
  • Day 3, morning:
    Go through dead man’s mail bag;
    Keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping.
    Feed rest down garbage disposal.
  • Day 3, Afternoon:
    Call garbage disposal repair.
  • Day 4: Receive visitor.
    Police looking for missing mail carrier – received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person.
    Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit.
    Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.
    Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes.
    Burst in to tears.
  • Day 472:
    Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. (Federal crime.)
  • Day 478:
    Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade.
    Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.
  • Day 552:
    Receive divorce papers:
    husband marrying tobacco heiress.
    Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
    Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots.
    Decide husband will live as price too steep.
  • Day 558:
    Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
    Feel better.
  • Day 691:
    Served last meal – minister asks if anything wanted at last moments.
    Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
    Request one last smoke.
    Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in.
    Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh.
    Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric.
    Warden enters cell excitedly;
    Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal “It Takes a Village” crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.
  • Day 1: Shit.

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

  • December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
  • December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
    a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
    I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I
    got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
  • December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
  • December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
  • December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
  • December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
  • December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. Lord, I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
  • December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out.

    Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

  • December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the butthole is lying.
  • December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to zero degrees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.
  • December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.
  • December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Lord, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation, and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

  • December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
  • December 27: Temperature dropped to -30° and the pipes froze.
  • December 28: Warmed up to above -10°. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
  • December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
  • December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
  • December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
  • January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Entries from Bill Gates’ Diary

  • Invited entire tech support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
  • Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn’t do windows — yet.
  • The baby cries constantly. Maybe I’ll buy Fisher-Price.
  • Bought my first Macintosh. It’s sooooo cute!
  • Good day. Found over 15 bucks’ worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
  • Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.
  • Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
  • Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
  • Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
  • Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
  • Seventh day: Rested.

A Typical Day at Macrosoft

Hi. My name is Sherman. I work at Macrosoft. I read something lately that said Macrosoft was “the technological equivalent of a sweatshop” and it bothered me. I want to set the record straight so I decided to record what I do on a typical day at work. I hope this will clear things up. Thank you.

  • 4:33 AM — I woke up and put my pillow and blanket into the bottom drawer of my desk. Went down the hall for a double espresso but some idiot had turned the machine off. Had to settle for French Roast. Gordon stopped me on the way back to the office and asked if I would crack his back. He still hasn’t gotten used to the floor.
  • 4:38 AM — Gordon’s back cracked a little too loudly and he left for the hospital to get checked out. I am back at my desk checking my mail. Hmmm…. Wow! There’s a note here about the planning meeting for our new product. They’ve decided to call it Industry ’15 because it will do everything our other suite does plus put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of business. Kewl, dude!
  • 4:41 AM — Got another bloody nose. I don’t believe that damned doctor. There is no way caffeine can cause this. Shit, out of Kleenex. Thank God for that medicine cabinet.
  • 4:43 AM — Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep putting new stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will they think of next. A couple of those and that espresso machine can kiss my ass.
  • 4:45 AM — Started coding. These hidden functions are tough. I don’t know how they expect me to stop someone’s modem lights from blinking while we upload their life’s history during registration. Hmm…. maybe a BIOS call to the serial driver.
  • 5:01 AM — Time for breakfast. Damned microwave. Even on defrost it still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies. Well, at least old Gordon’s not here. Yesterday he was so tweaked out on Jolt he set it on high and the damned things exploded. Boy was maintenance pissed off. Took em half an hour to scrape that shit off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one.
  • 5:10 AM — Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue though. Shit, it hurts. Read the company newsletter while I was eating and it mentioned that the wife changed her mind again on the layout of the kitchen at Bill’s new estate. Damn, at the rate they’re going they’ll move in on the same day he throws the switch and sends the ultimatum to Washington. Ooopps. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. That’s a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know.
  • 5:16 AM — Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta. Just installed it yesterday and it ate my hard drive. They aren’t sure if that bug will be fixed. Too close to shipping. The plan is to blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast is really hosed though and that pisses me off. Can’t get my stock quotes.
  • 5:22 AM — Gordon called. Says they’ve got him in a back brace. Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids so he can get L&I. He sounded a little pissed though. Better not play basketball with him anytime soon.
  • 5:28 AM — Damned contractor called in. He says his father died. Guess I’ll be testing today too. Oh well, I’ll throw in a few extra-nasty bugs just for him to choke on next week. Damned guys are spoiled. They only work 60 hours a week and cry like babies.
  • 5:37 AM — Cutting more code. Damned DOA objects. Never do what you want. Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and slammed it into the server in building 36. Assholes don’t even give me delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and thrash it before the shit hits the fan.
  • 6:13 AM — Just got back. Shit, that was close. I had to practically sell my soul to get that picture deleted. Lucky for me that Bob had to go take a dump. Only problem was he had just started the backup, so I bumped into the tape to stop it and the frigging server went down. Oh well, he’ll be so busy cleaning that shit up he won’t have time to figure out what happened.
  • 6:22 AM — Gordon called back. His back is worse than they thought. He was leaving the hospital and had to go back. He told them he slipped on some dog shit that was out front and now they’re worried he’s going to sue them. They are admitting him for observation.
  • 6:41 AM — Jerry just got in. God, he’s such a prick. His “Pammy” just walked him to his desk, as always, and played tickle the tonsils with him just for my benefit. Damned contractors and their girlfriends. Think I’ll call H.R. and see if this is sexual harassment.
  • 7:19 AM — Got another call from Gordon. Apparently he has a ruptured disc and is going into emergency surgery.
  • 7:32 AM — Got a note about a special meeting. The loon that freaked out yesterday screwed up the source code and we’re gonna have to re-do some stuff. Be back later.
  • 9:17 AM — Boy, what a ball breaker. That wacko really trashed the project. Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and massacred half the code. They also mentioned that the backup was no good because that moron Bob screwed it up this morning. God smiles on me.
  • 9:49 AM — Finally got PointCast going and downloaded the news. There’s another article about porno here at Macrosoft. Uh-oh, better do some clean up work.
  • 10:13 AM — Finished re-formatting my drive and am waiting for the system to finish loading. I took my zip drive down to the car and tucked it away in the trunk.
  • 10:27 AM — Ah, espresso at last. Just in time. I have a spec meeting in three minutes.
  • 11:45 AM — Another meeting from hell. I don’t know why they call them specs. You never actually see them until the project is done and off to shipping. I am going to lunch.
  • 12:12 PM — Got lunch. Boy, this pizza is the best. I don’t know what it is about the cheese though. Looks a little like a dried booger. They finally got Jolt on tap in the cafeteria. About damned time.
  • 12:26 PM — Finished lunch. Went to take a dump but the line was too long. Gotta hold it a while longer. Ran into Leslie in the hall and she told me I looked nice. Hmm… wonder what she wants. Reminds me. Better call H.R. about the “lip lizards”.
  • 1:03 PM — Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca. She said I might have a case for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any eye contact with me while they were face-fucking. Suppose I could lie. Bitch wants me anyway, I can tell.
  • 1:27 PM — Finally got to take a shit. Jeez, that was a frigging sequoia. Stuck up there any longer and they’d have to cut it in half and count the rings to tell how old it was.
  • 1:41 PM — Jerry just left, glaring like the prick he is. I think Rebecca just nabbed his ass. Ha! Bite my prong you moron.
  • 1:48 PM — Jeez, I was getting grumpy. Got a double latte. That should bring me down a little. Gordon’s wife left a message on my machine saying that he is paralyzed from the neck down. They think it’s permanent. Just hope the bastard can’t talk either. I’m calling my lawyer.
  • 2:16 PM — Rebecca called back and has her titties in a tizzy. Seems Jerry the Fairy took Pammy Eats My Hammy down to her office and mentioned that little incident from last week. I told her it wasn’t even close to a grope, more like a wedgie. Oh, well, something else for the lawyer.
  • 2:29 PM — Well gag me with a frigging spatula! Another new guy. Damned contractors. Make more money than us and have that innocent look. Bradford, huh. That’s your name? Okay, you scrotum, the next virus will be named after you.
  • 2:52 PM — Whew. Went down to the car and took a shot of NyQuil. Man, I gotta come down a little. Call the lawyer. Call the lawyer.
  • 3:20 PM — Oh, Fuck! Damned lawyer called me! Gordon just croaked and the cops want to talk to me at five. Goddamned freaky bastard. What the hell did he think I was, a frigging chiropractor?
  • 3:51 PM — Damned nose is spewing blood like a fire hydrant. Be back in a minute.
  • 4:16 PM — Got the bleeding stopped but Janitorial is livid. They say the stain won’t come out of the carpet but hell, it’s already kind of red.
  • 4:58 PM — Just got handed a notice to appear before the harassment board on Monday. Fucking Jerry. I’ll get him and that prissy-assed bitch.
  • 5:22 PM — Ah, dinner. At least the NyQuil is working a little. These pizza rolls are the greatest. Gotta get me some next month when I go to the store.
  • 5:55 PM — Cops showed up because I forgot to go see them. Damned Gestapo gave me the third degree. The lawyer was already here because Jerry filed a lawsuit and Gordon’s wife is on her way over with a gun.
  • 6:29 PM — Man, what a day. Gordon’s wife was caught in the parking lot but wouldn’t leave until she was allowed to bitch me out. They took me downstairs and I faced her. Then all hell broke loose when her dog jumped out of their Jeep and attacked my groin. Bitch must have had him trained by some feminist group. Just stopped in to get my jacket before they take me over to the hospital.
  • 8:51 PM — Back at last. Damned dog did some damage. Five stitches and some rabies shots. I still don’t know what the penicillin was all about. They didn’t even have any real coffee there. Gotta go get a cup.
  • 9:00 PM — Cops just phoned. I have to be at the courthouse tomorrow morning for arraignment. They said I should bring my attorney. Ha, ha, joke’s on them. We’ll be there anyway dealing with Jerry and Pammy.
  • 9:36 PM — Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that new asshole’s system. Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed.
  • 9:58 PM — Last code for the day. I finished the new voice help feature. This is gonna be cool. I fixed one section extra special. If you play it backwards it says “Pammy fucks the band”. God, technology is great.
  • 10:25 PM — Talked to the lawyer. He said I should bring extra clothes tomorrow.
  • 10:49 PM — Shit! Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out. Nothing is working. Damn. There was only one Jolt left. Better make it last.
  • 11:22 PM — Couldn’t find my porno mags. I think Jerry got them. God, court is going to be a bitch. Worse than last year.
  • 11:43 PM — Called Mom. She said I didn’t get any mail. No news is good news, I guess. She mentioned that my dog died last week. Asked if I would be home soon.
  • 12:32 AM — Well, I think the day is over. I am going to crash if I can find a bloodless spot on the floor. Gotta set the computer to wake me up early. Big day tomorrow. Goodnight.

Any similarities between this and any real company are intentionally coincidental.

Excerpts From A Dog’s Diary

  • Day 180
    8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 pm – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 pm – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
  • Day 181
    8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 pm – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 pm – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
  • Day 182
    8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    5:00 pm – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    5:30 pm – OH BOY! A BATH! NOT MY FAVORITE!

A Dog’s Diary

  • 5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber — the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal — I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn’t go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don’t know why.
  • 7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you’d think they’d learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn’t hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.
  • 10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It’s not easy being a dog.
  • 1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it’s true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he’d skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.
  • 2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I’m sorry, but he should know that I can’t eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he’d lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.
  • 4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. “Drip ’til you drop” is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance — does he think I don’t know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn’t a male in the neighborhood who couldn’t be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.
  • 5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy — he doesn’t know what he’s missing.
  • 6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?
  • 9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone’s home. Ah, the life of a dog.

Tech Support Diary

A Week in the Life of the Notes Support Person from Hell

User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

Accounting called to say they couldn’t access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, “Well, it works for me.” Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer…

8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message “Error accessing Drive 0.” Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The “Myst” and “Doom” nationals are
this weekend!

11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00 pm

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they’re using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run “Create Save/Replication Conflicts” macro so next shift has something to do.

8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. “Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!” I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\DARRK1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it’s in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week’s “Reengineering for Customer Partnership,” I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell “Omigod — Fire!”

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for “Notice Loads” or “NoLoad Goats,” she’s not sure, couldn’t here over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably “Lettuce Nodes.” Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking “Bitset,” not “chipset.” Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material…

10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager’s office. He says he can’t dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he’s aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am
Tell Louie he’s doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am

4:55 pm
Return from lunch.

5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.

8:00 am
New guy (“Marvin”) started today. “Nice plaids” I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 am
New guy’s PC finishes booting up. Tell him I’ll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. “Nice plaids” Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves (“Always have backups”). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:

“Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in ‘Y’ shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift.”

Marvin doubts. I point to “Corporate Policy” database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). “Remember, that’s DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!” I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy…

4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR’s server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button…). See ya tomorrow.

8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can’t replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it’s sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 am
Good God, another user! They’re like ants. Says he’s in San Diego and can’t replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it’s sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can’t route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. “So hard to get good help…” I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. “No problem!”

11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he’s invited to a meeting this afternoon. “Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff” I tell him.

12:00 am

1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm
Look in support manager’s contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor’s office means appointment cancelled. Says he’s just going to go on home. Ask him if he’s seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to “2” in help databases.

4:30 pm
User calls to say they can’t see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a “Edit — Select All”, hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can’t read help documents. Tell them I’ll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.

A Cat’s Diary

  • DAY 752
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is
    the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
  • DAY 761
    Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
  • DAY 762
    Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
  • DAY 765
    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
    condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…
  • DAY 768
    I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
  • DAY 771
    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage…
  • DAY 774
    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safeties assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.