- Speedy Gonzales
Hey, c’mon. Was there ever a rodent when Amphetamine abuse is so obvious? And did you notice, he runs out and gets the food for everyone, but does he ever eat any?
- Elmer Fudd
No question, the boy trips on Ecstacy. I mean, listen to that laugh, would you?
- Wile E. Coyote
Now here’s a total PCP burnout case. Not only does he feel no pain, but he’s too brain damaged to know he’s licked.
- Yosemite Sam
Another Angel Dust suspect. His aggression knows no bounds, but despite being shot by cannons at point blank range, he just gets madder and meaner.
Of course, likes to trip out with grass. Mostly, he’s pretty mellowed out, but when he gets his paws on that Hash Oil, hey, its WWI flying Ace time.
- Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the heck are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for dating her.
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse!
- Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side: Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..
- Droopy Dog
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.
- Dopey (Dwarf)
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra ‘scripts’ for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
- Daffy Duck
If he isn’t using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats (scooby snacks) consumed per episode smokes pot. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!
Thank God the late Rev. Jerry Falwell stepped in to clean up children’s television. He outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the “Teletubbies,” because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount of gayness: He’s purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all gay people do. But Falwell’s work was far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party and has been for years.
- Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: “Twinkle-toes Flintstone.” The show’s theme song ends “…we’ll have a gay old time!” Wears an orange dress with little Triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
- Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy – who, it’s worth noting, has a lisp.
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn’t been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances. Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.
- Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin’s nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman’s real name: Bruce. Both wear tights. They’re in great shape. They like to show each other their “grappling hooks”.
- Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.
- The Pink Panther