The Asshole Bill of Rights

As an ASSHOLE, I proclaim the following:

  1. I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness.
  2. I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all. Christianity be damned.
  3. If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.
  4. I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not have to worry about whether or not I was polite.
  5. If I think someone’s an idiot, I will tell them they’re an idiot.
  6. I have the right to tell children that their parents aren’t raising them correctly. (Think of how many times you’ve been at a supermarket and heard a screaming child the entire time…what exactly would you want to say that’d be any nicer?)
  7. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, shut the hell up.
  8. You may have the right to speak, but I don’t have to listen to you.
  9. If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it’s a free country.
  10. If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog my arteries with junk, and have unsafe sex with the woman/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I’m at it.
  11. I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.
  12. Jerry Springer for President!!!!!!!
  13. Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over society.
  14. Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself, and you’re worried about my religious beliefs?
  15. Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.
  16. Just because you work at McDonald’s doesn’t mean you have an excuse to have an I.Q. under twelve.
  17. (Courtesy of George Carlin) Just because you’re a student does not mean that you’re any more enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.
  18. Speaking of Blockbuster, if I return the tape, you do not have to actually sue me for $15!!
  19. If you’re stupid enough to give me credit, deal with the consequences.
  20. It’s ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5. (If I didn’t have the $5, what makes you think I’m going to have $25 you retards!!)
  21. If you don’t like the way I drive then at the next red light get out from under my car.
  22. If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it’s a newborn baby?
  23. If I shoot you while you’re committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I’ll shoot you again.
  24. Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.
  25. If you live in Tornado Alley, don’t whine when you get hit by a tornado.