Only in America…

  • Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  • Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
  • Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front.
  • Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and then top it all off with a DIET coke because they’re concerned about their weight
  • Do banks leave the doors open and then chain the pens to the counter.
  • Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  • Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have “call waiting” so we won’t miss a call from someone we don’t want to talk to in the first place.
  • Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  • Do we use the word “Politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” (from Latin) means “many”, and “tics”, meaning blood-sucking pests.
  • Do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Home of the Blame

Let’s see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in modern-day America.

  • If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
  • If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock ‘n’ roll musician he liked.
  • If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company.
  • If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
  • If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
  • If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
  • If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
  • And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame.