Tips for Traveling in Alabama

  • Rasslin’ is not fake. Don’t dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted Alabamaian to fix your busted head with duct tape.
  • Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
  • Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon ain’t.
  • Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.
  • If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.
  • Don’t be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
  • “Y’all come back now, ya here,” is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but darn (or worse) Yankees are those who decide to stay.
  • If you decide to stay in Alabama and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Alabamaians. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ’em biscuits.
  • If you hear some use the word FIX or FIXIN’, and it isn’t in the sense that they are repairing something. Example: I’m FIXIN’ to go to the store…. or “Y’all FIX me a coke in there will ya!” This is a valid part of Alabama grammar and is taught regularly in our English classes at school.

Winders eXP – Alabama Edition

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows eXP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS eXP with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and CDs are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

A few terms may need translation:

  • OK – ats aww-right
  • cancel – hail no
  • reset – aw shoot
  • yes – shore
  • no – Naaaa
  • find – hunt-fer it
  • go to – over yonder
  • back – back yonder
  • help – hep me out here
  • stop – ternit off
  • start – crank it up
  • settings – sittins
  • programs – stuff at does stuff
  • documents – stuff I done done

Also note that Winders eXP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders eXP:
  • tiperiter – A word processor
  • colering book – a graphics program
  • addin mershene – calculator
  • outhouse paper – notepad
  • jupe-box – CD Player
  • iner-net – Internet Explorer
  • pichers – A graphics viewer
  • IRS – M/S accounting software
  • IRS2 – M/S accounting software with hidden files
  • coon dog – American kennel club records
  • fishin – Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
  • NRA – National Rifle Association
  • shot gun – Remington Arms price list
  • riffel – Winchester price list
  • pisstel – Smith & Wesson price list
  • truck – Ford and Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
  • house – Nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
  • car – same as truck just need two lists in Alabama
  • cuzzins – family history usually a 3 meg file
  • tax records – usually an empty file
  • shells – ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
  • bud – list of Budweiser dealers by zip code
  • rasin – NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
  • car n truck parts – nearest Junk yard by zip code
  • doc – veterinarians by zip code

Application to Live in Alabama

  1. Name: (Check appropriate box)
  2. Age: ____
  3. Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
  4. Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
  5. Occupation:
    ____Hair Dresser
  6. Spouse’s Name: __________________________
  7. Relationship with spouse:
  8. ____Sister

  9. Number of children living in household: ___
  10. Number that are yours: ___
  11. Mother’s Name: _______________________
  12. Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
  13. Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
  14. Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
  15. ____Total number of vehicles you own
    ____Number of vehicles that still crank
    ____Number of vehicles in front yard
    ____Number of vehicles in back yard
    ____Number of vehicles on cement blocks
  16. Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194__
  17. Firearms you own and where you keep them:
  18. Do you have a gun rack?
    ____No; please explain:_______________________________________________________
  19. Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    ____The National Enquirer
    ____The Globe
    ____TV Guide
    ____Soap Opera Digest
    ____Rifle and Shotgun
  20. How many times have you:
    ____Seen a UFO?
    ____Been abducted by evil space aliens?
    ____Seen Elvis?
    ____Seen Elvis in a UFO?
  21. How often do you bathe:
    ____Not Applicable
  22. Color of teeth:
  23. Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
  24. How far is your home from a paved road?
    ____1 mile
    ____2 miles
    ____don’t know
    ____what’s a road?