Do you want to know if you suffer from “Alertness Deficit Disorder” (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn’t scare you, let’s just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL.
The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.
- I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an email!
- I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
- Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria’s Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.
- Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
- I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
- I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail … NEVER –NEVER !!
- There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
- There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
- The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
- There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
- The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
- And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!
Know what you call webmeisters who get married? …….Newlywebs.
Let me share some of the newlywebbed bliss with you. Most folks would register at Macy’s or Foley’s or Dilliard’s or some place normal. Not Dick and Jane. They’re registered with PC Warehouse and Mac Connection (URLs available upon request).
The families did require Dick and Jane to provide a more traditional list of wants and needs however. So ultimately, they compiled, er, complied. They included the normal stuff… blender, toaster oven, electric mixer, food processor. But they categorized them all as ‘plug-ins.’
There was a moment or two of roughness. Jane kept arguing that communication was important in a marriage, so Dick finally bought another computer and a second phone line so he and Jane could chat. The topic of their first real spat though…Mac vs. Windows.
At work, Dick has been introducing Jane as his future “service provider.” Turn-about is fair play, of course; and Jane isn’t referring to Dick as her future husband. She says he’s a forthcoming Add-On (currently in Beta release).
Thus far at all showers and pre-ceremony events Dick and Jane have seemed very happy. How happy? It’s sickening. They keep tilting their heads sideways to smile at each other. 🙂
Now, don’t get me wrong. Dick and Jane are very serious about this endeavor. They have put an access counter on the door to the church and the reception hall. The reception will be a little bare compared to most though. They’re serving cookies and java.
The plan for the wedding? Dick and Jane have written the ceremony themselves…in HTML. The ushers will just pass out little slips of paper with URLS. All invitations came with a little slip of paper that said ‘This wedding best viewed with Netscape Navigator.’
Dick and Jane will spend all their days and nights of their honeymoon…. [the remainder of message has been censored by the Coalition for A Clean Internet].
The longest I’ve been online is 24 hours and part of that time was spent face down on the keyboard, trying to keep a closer eye on what my fingers were doing. That’s not an easy job with your eyes closed! Some things coming up on the screen were really strange! But, I’m not addicted…
I enjoy searching the web. I have stayed up all night more than once following link, after link, after link…. I just want to know how far one will go before it breaks and there’s no where to go but home – It’s not an addiction – it’s a quest for knowledge!
So what if the house work isn’t done — it’s not condemnable — Yet. A clean house is not a priority — at least not until there’s a camera hook up so other cyber folks can see this pig sty.
Exercise? Who needs it? My arm and wrist are almost nonexistent now from exercising my mouse.
Family doesn’t understand that this is my life support system — Not an addiction!
I have a shelf at my desk with snacks so I don’t have to cook; I’ve installed outlets next to the PC for my coffee pot, and my Coke’s remain at my side in a cooler box… need that caffeine!
I replaced my desk chair with a recliner. I NEED one with a concealed potty chair. It would help if it also had a spot to keep all my PC Novice magazines.
The family’s reaction to having my head shaved to allow more time for the net was totally unacceptable. No matter what they say, I am NOT border-line nutsville!
And now they claim to be concerned about my eyesight!
Hey, wouldn’t you rather look at a monitor than a filthy house?!?!