Dear Valued Customer:

In accordance with company policy, we are pleased to inform you that you received merchandise with the same high quality standards afforded all our customers, and we feel you are extremely chicken-shit for returning this stuff, particularly since we did not authorize the return.

You know damned well we have a comprehensive and equitable Returned Goods Policy, and you will pay hell receiving credit unless this policy is strictly adhered to. We ship whatever the hell comes off the production line, and whether it meets specifications or not is beside the point. We are reasonably confident our packaging contains the proper materials a good share of the time, which is exactly what you ordered. By God, no one is perfect.

I’d like to see your production area sometime. I’ll bet you have a shit-pot full of problems too. Incidentally, you have really pissed off our Scheduling and Production people with your arbitrary statements regarding late delivery. After all, your last order was only three months overdue, which is a helluva lot better than most of our customers get. What the hell do you expect?

On future orders, we suggest you favor us with a higher dollar volume, and we will bust our asses. With this type of volume, we can guarantee a maximum late order condition of two months…how’s that for a thirty day improvement?

As a valued customer, it is certainly your privilege to request we check future orders more closely for requested shipping dates, but your prickish attitude will, we are confident, result in our shipping so damned late that you will be in such a bind that you will gladly accept any old shit we want to get rid of.

By the way, don’t give us any crap about order cancellations;
We’re already in production. We could, however, see our way clear to stop production if you will pay 90% cancellation charges, along with a 25% restocking fee. Otherwise, tough shit.

In summary, you work with us, and we will work with you. BUT!! Don’t pull that irate customer shit on us, we’ve been down that path before.

Warm personal regards,
CUSTOMER SERVICE MANAGER

P.S. You screwed up again when you insisted our part doesn’t resemble your specification drawings. BULLSHIT!! Your drawing isn’t even close to our part. We know there was a 1-1/2″ difference between the part and the drawing, which we consider minor and totally insignificant. Why don’t you get on your Engineer’s ass for a change?