- You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”
- You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
- You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
- For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
- You don’t know what a moon pie is.
- You’ve never had grain alcohol.
- You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.
- You eat fried chicken with knife and fork.
- You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
- You have no idea what a polecat is.
- When ever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
- You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
- You don’t have bangs.
- You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
- More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same pre-school.
- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
- Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
- You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.
- You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
- You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
- The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
- You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
- You call binoculars opera glasses.
- You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
- You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
- You don’t know what applique is.
- Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
- You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Jim Bob, Billy Bob, Bob Bob).
- You don’t have any doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
- You’ve never been to a craft show.
- You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
- You can’t do your laundry without quarters.
- None of your fur coats are homemade.
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