Hello, and thanks for calling. Your call is very important to us and, we’re sure, to all of humankind. If you would like to challenge my sincerity, press 1.

We are currently experiencing a high volume of calls and frankly, you are not helping the situation. All of our assistant associate representatives are presently *assisting* themselves to a *cigarette* and associating with a jelly doughnut, so for more efficient routing of your call, please select from the following menu:

• For a list of our hours, press 2. For a list of our morbid fears, press 3. For a list of our government budget-balancing ideas, such as having the president make all trips by hot-air balloon, press 4.
• If you wish to place an order, press the pound key. If you wish to complain about newspapers, pound the press key. If you wish to wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, press — what else? — the star key.
• To report a mechanical problem, press 42 and imitate the sound your problem makes. Feel free to use a kazoo.
• To obtain your account balance, spiritually speaking, press 8. If you are suspicious of poodles, press 71. If you believe Tennessee Williams’ fatal shortcoming was his arrogant disdain for car and truck chase scenes, press 19.
• To report a Korlo Panda sighting, press 85 and give the name of the laundromat. If you wish to access your files, punch in the 14-digit number that appears on the bottom of any can of creamed corn.
• For shipping and receiving, press 44. For moving and grooving, press 45.
• If you would like to see O.J. Simpson submit to a no-holds-barred interview conducted by Sesame Street’s Big Bird and Cookie Monster, press 91.
• For a list of upcoming events, press 68. For a list of events that will never come up but we wish would, such as a speeding locomotive crashing into a huge chocolate mousse shaped like a Greyhound bus, press 22.
• If you would like to hear how you can earn big money in your spare time by kicking butt and taking names, press 18.
• To find out why people don’t name their babies “Felix” anymore, press 73.
• If you went through the supermarket express line with 14 items and you wish to confess your sin, press 30. If you also had coupons, prepare to burn in hell.
• To report a discrepancy between the way you planned your life and the way it’s turning out, press 86.
• If you need immediate assistance, join the club, pal. If you wish to join the Pal Club, press 55.
• For a list of hip phrases to shout when you’re shooting dice so you don’t have to keep using the one about infant requiring new footwear, press 93.
• To hear an explanation of exactly what it is tugboats do, press 25. If you would like to hear my impression of James Cagney ordering a pizza, press 26.
• If you wish to end this call or return to the main menu, do not press your luck. You are not going back to any main menu, my friend. You have come too far. There is no turning back. You can only press one.