I Have Mail

Like every other techie, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the just released, state-of-the-art, 128-bit, 128 giga-RAM, 96x, 24/7, in your face, out of your control Microself Windows 2015. Yes, that was me at the front of the line in our local Get-a-Life Software store, waiting, waiting, for the moment when the future went on sale. And now that the future is installed in my computer, there’s no looking back.

To be truthful, I don’t use computers. They use me. They use me as a portal between the glittering new world of information and the mundane world where ordinary people have to eat and talk and sometimes be sad. Computers use my nimble fingers to unlock their codes, releasing raw information into the ether. Taking my mission as seriously as I do, I wanted the most up-to-the-second tool on the market. And that’s why, the day after I installed Windows 2015, I was back at Get-a-Life buying the upgrade, Windows 2015, version 2.0.

With Windows 2015 2.0, I don’t process information. I download it into my body. Using Windows’ revolutionary US-ME serial port installed in my navel, I plug myself into my computer. Like the umbilical cord that fed me when I was mere flesh, the US-ME cable feeds raw data straight into my bloodstream. There it flows until it reaches the central processing unit I used to call my brain. And there, Windows’ revolutionary Brain Bot – a tiny microchip embedded in my cerebrum — turns that raw data into wisdom that makes me smarter, richer, and so much wiser than the rest of you.

Did you know that the capital of Uganda is Kampala? That Soupy Sales had a lion puppet named Pookie? That the square root of 3 is 1.732? And that today’s kids will spend 23 years of their lives on the Internet swimming through vital data like this? O, it’s a changing world, my friend. When you leave your Silicon Valley job for two weeks of R & R, take a cruise to Antarctica, step onto an ice floe and see penguins crowded around a laptop checking out The Weather Channel, get worried!

But I’m not worried, I’m wired. Wired to the upgraded upgrade I bought last weekend. Windows 2015 3.0 is the one with HandPrint, the printer driver that drives my digital age. Using HandPrint, I don’t need an ordinary printer. I just click a button on my wrist and my hand begins scrolling across a blank page printing my raw data in any of 1,257 perfect fonts. The moving hand writes, and having writ, gives way to ear-mail.

I know, I know. You all have e-mail accounts. You can e-mail Bill Gates if you want. The Pope. Your dog if you’re on vacation in Antarctica. But only Windows 2015 4.0, which I bought yesterday, has ear-mail.

When I hear a voice from the ether saying “You’ve got mail!” I run to the nearest phone. Then I run my ear-mail cord from the phone to an input implanted below my left ear. Within seconds, I’m hearing the mail read by a soothing voice that sounds a little like James Earl Jones on Prozac. To reply, I simply speak my answer, press the same button on my wrist, and presto. I unplug and go back to my daily duty of becoming richer, smarter, and wiser. There’s also a wireless version of e-mail but that won’t come out until version 5.0 is released tomorrow. I plan to get in line at Get-a-Life sometime before midnight.

But where, you ask, is this wireless world headed? To be truthful, I’m not sure, but it sure is fun. Perhaps when I’m even richer, smarter, and wiser than I am now, thanks to Windows 2015 6.0 due out this weekend, I’ll have an answer. Until then, you’ll have to excuse me. I have mail.