The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Charleston, S.C. named Scott Williams who digs up things in his backyard and sends them to the Smithsonian Institution, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. Here follows a response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.

Smithsonian Institution
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “3211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post…Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be “Malibu Barbie.” It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

  1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
  2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
  3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

  1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
  2. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, therefore carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus Spiff-Arino. Speaking personally, I for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities

White Trash Barbie


She’s larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-they’re-better’n-you Barbies! Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend.

Every WHITE TRASH BARBIE comes complete with:

  • Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie’s smoking pleasure!
  • A six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (it’s on sale!)
  • Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
  • Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals.
    *Hot pants or blue jean cutoffs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama).
  • Waffle House uniform sold separately.
  • Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair and black roots showing.
  • Miracle-o’-procreation button! Press button on Barbie’s back and she’s pregnant…again!

Barbie can say 11 phrases including,

  • “I tol’ jew friggin’ kids to git the hell outa my yard!”
  • “Git me anuther beer, baybee.”
  • “Whur’s my damn cigarettes?”, and more.
  • Barbie doublewide dream trailer: Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie’s wormy pet cat Rufus, also included. Trailer disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset (Sold separately).
  • Barbie dream car: 1982 Camaro in mix-n’-match colors, smokin’ chokin’ exhaust*, and coat hanger radio antenna. (Holds two white Trash Barbies or fifteen Mexi-Migrant Barbies) (*Smoke non-toxic, unless breathed.)
  • Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickin’ leg action and bitch-slap backhand. With cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle. Curses and mumbles when string is pulled.
  • Married life Ken with Beer-bustin’ expanding waist*. Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, and chips. Says “Shut up, woman,” and “Git me a beer.” (*Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

Hacker Barbie!

Date: Thu, 30 Oct 1997 14:08:27 -0400

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the “Hacker Barbie.” These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie’s very own xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA’s “In a Nutshell” series. The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire. Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as “IP address,” “TCP/IP,” “kernel,” “NP-complete,” and “Alpha AXP’s.”

“We are very excited about this product,” said John Olson, Marketting Executive, “and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie.” A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, “Math is hard,” with condescending companions Ken. The Hacker Barbie’s Ken is an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, “I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken’s hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses.” Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they would become technologically behind by comparison to the children when the Hacker Barbie comes out. “My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two days,” says Mrs. Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, “and as y’all know, she now pays my credit card bill. Ain’t got no idea how she duz it, but she surely duz it. I jus don’t wanna be looked upon as a dumb mama.” Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. “Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail” will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while “BARB1E R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!” will serve as an introduction to expository writing.

Graduate School Barbie

Graduate School Barbie comes in two forms: Delusional Master’s Barbie and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie. Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:

  • Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first). Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes.
  • Comes with two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans and 5 year old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching “Go Screw Yourself” T-shirt.
  • Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases like, “Yes, Professor, It’ll be done by tomorrow” “I’d love to write it all over again” and “Why didn’t I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor’s. But noooooo, I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I’d have an excuse to stop working on my degree that’s sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul…” (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)
  • Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct to teach kids about the exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education. Removable panels on Barbie’s head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing. Deluxe Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts. Just add a little water, and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears at random intervals. Fun for the whole family!

Other accessories include:

  • Grad School Barbie’s Fun Fridge Well stocked with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!), and small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum.
  • Grad School Barbie’s Medicine Cabinet. Comes in Fabulous pink and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available without a prescription)
  • Grad School Barbie’s Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation with (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price, tech support sold separately)

And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you’ll get two of Barbie’s great friends!

  • GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie’s mentor and advisor in her quest for increased education and decreased self esteem. Grad Advisor Ken ™ comes with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom to Barbie as “I need an update on your progress” “I don’t think you’ll be ready to graduate yet” and “This is no where near ready for publication.” Buy 3 or more dolls, and you can have Barbie’s Thesis Committee! (Palm Pilot and tenure sold separately.)
  • REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper ™, who got a job after getting her bachelor degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say, “Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree” and “Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!” Real Job Skipper’s Work Wardrobe and Savings account sold separately. WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie’s hands mysteriously fused to Skipper’s throat.

Limited Edition Colorado Barbie

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Colorado Market:

  • Highlands Ranch Barbie
    This princess Barbie is only sold at Park Meadows Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.
  • Englewood Barbie
    This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
  • Colfax Barbie
    This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.
  • Cherry Creek Barbie
    This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
  • Commerce City Barbie
    This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. Purchuse her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker bsolutely free.
  • Aspen Barbie
    This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Optional Percocet prescription available.
  • Thornton Barbie
    This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Commerce City Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.
  • Boulder Barbie
    This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
  • Ft. Collins Barbie
    She’s basically Boulder Barbie, but with all the accessories of Highlands Ranch Barbie, plus a kayak and mountain bike. Ft. Collins Ken includes a teeny tiny little Ph.D. diploma in entomology, which enables him to double as a professional fly-fishing-consultant action figure ($1200 graphite fly rod and miniature accessories licensed from Orvis sold separately)
  • Aurora Barbie
    This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
  • Arvada Barbie
    She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know who Ken is cause he’s always hunting.
  • Greeley Barbie
    This Spanish Speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Meat Packers uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green Cards are not available for Barbie or Ken.
  • Four Corners Barbie
    This Barbie is the only Native American Barbie, She sits in a booth and sells Native American Art for large sums of money to tourists.
  • Rifle Barbie
    This Barbie comes with various bruises and several restraining orders. Front teeth missing, but optional denture is available as well as broken down barrel horse and shot glass collection.
  • Glenwood Springs Barbie
    This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV, complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.

Modern Television Barbies

Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90’s type of Barbie.

  • Bisexual Barbie
    Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.
  • Bitten Bullet Barbie
    An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
  • Blue Collar Barbie
    Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier’s aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to make ends meet.
  • Our Barbies Ourselves
    Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out; comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non threatening way. Also includes tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetuses at various stages of development and breast pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to do what she chooses with her own Barbie.
  • Robotic Barbie
    Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two legged walking machine! After falling over, she says “Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!”
  • Melrose Place Barbie
    Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live together. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.
  • Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman
    This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use on the Plains, and how to take care of one’s nails while shoeing a horse.
  • America’s Most Wanted Barbie
    She’s on the run after 30 years of crimes against feminism!
  • Oprah Barbie
    Push a button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is, Ballerina Barbie’s struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie’s clothes.
  • My So-called Barbie
    She faces the same troubling issues as teens who don’t have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and boyfriends.
  • Roseanne Barbie
    The dark side of the American Dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.
  • Murder, Barbie Wrote
    Whenever this elder states woman of the Barbie set (she’s 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

Barbie and Ken Write to Santa

Barbie’s Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat troll, I’ve been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya’, Santa, but it’s pay back time. There had better be some changes around here, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don’t wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 2004:

Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don’t suppose you do.

Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!

A REAL man… I don’t care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!

It’s about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

Breast reduction surgery. ‘Nuff said.

A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make real money.

A new, more 90s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie,” complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.

Mattel stock options. It’s been 40 years – I think I deserve a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don’t like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,



Ken’s Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa, It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie.

My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are “Decorator Ken,” “Beauty Salon Ken,” or “Broadway Ken.” Other avenues which could be considered are: “Go-Go Ken,” “Impersonator Ken” (with wigs and gowns), or “West Hollywood Ken.” These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under served. As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can “push me away”, I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware. In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe… he’s mine, at least that’s what he said last night.



Divorced Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”

The Manager replied, “Which one? We have ‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for $19.95.. ‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95 … ‘Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 …’Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95 ..’Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95.. and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00”.

“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?” Dad asked surprised.

“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture.”

New Barbies on the Market

  • Transgender Barbie
    Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
  • Mobile Home Park Barbie
    Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant. Accessories include two toddlers. When you pull the string on her back she asks where her government support check is. Double wide trailer with polyester curtains and a redwood deck sold separately.
  • Homegirl Barbie
    Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like, “I don’t think so,” “Dang, get outta my face,” and, “You go, girl.” Teaches girls not to take crap from men.
  • Sister Mary Barbie
    This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun’s habit (after all, she’s still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.
  • Rabbi Barbie
    So, why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kiddush cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
  • Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie
    Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex’s new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).
  • Dinner Roll Barbie
    A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o’fried chicken, tiny Entenmann’s walnut ring, a brick of Breyer’s ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading, “Only the Weak Don’t Eat,” and, of course, an appetite.
  • Temp Barbie
    This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she’ll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.
  • Administrator Barbie
    Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Administrator Ken’s salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she’ll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a reorganization and a move, and order airline tickets for Administrator Ken.
  • Birkenstock Barbie
    Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Barbie at 40

One of the worlds most famous blondes turned 40 in 1999. She doesn’t look a day over 18, well maybe 27. No cellulite on her thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts. Her figure is the same as it was twenty years ago. Many girls from around the world are familiar with this famous blonde. Some would say she is more famous than Madonna.

Yes, Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty in 1999. Is it time to give up the mini skirt for something more conservative? You be the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don’t seem to think so. On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes to the world’s most popular doll. Something more fitting for the now middle aged blonde. Here’s a list of possible new Barbies…

  • Bifocals Barbie:
    Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
  • Hot Flash Barbie:
    Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
  • Facial Hair Barbie:
    As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
  • Cook’s Arms Barbie:
    Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
  • Bunion Barbie:
    Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors:pink, rose, blush.
  • No More Wrinkles Barbie:
    Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
  • Soccer Mom Barbie:
    All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school egaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr.. With minivan in robin’s egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
  • Midlife Crisis Barbie:
    It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”
  • Single Mother Barbie:
    There’s not much time for primping anymore! Ken’s shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie’s across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie’s selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
  • Recovery Barbie:
    Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book, a six-pack of Diet Coke, and a pack of Marlboro Lights.