Dilbert’s Words of Wisdom

  • I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  • Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  • There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
  • Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and somedays you’re the statue.
  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
  • My Reality Check bounced.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
  • I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
  • You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  • Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  • Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
  • Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
  • Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

So many offices have Dilbert posters or cartoons posted that we have to have some of his wit and wisdom here. If you want to enjoy more cartoons, you can visit Dilbert.Com for even more fun and laughter. Thank you, Scott Adams!

Customer Service with a Smile

  • Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where the thingamabobers are?”
    Employee: “Yea, by the whatchamacallits on aisle 6.”
  • Customer: “Do you carry Ink Eradicators? All of the other places do.”
    Employee: “I think so. I saw ’em by the Ink Accelerators on aisle 4.”
  • Customer: “Wheres the thin plastic strips with sticky stuff on the back that you stick things to other things with?”
    Employee: “Hmm… that’s a tough one… The closest we have is tape.”
  • Customer: “Can you help me find something?”
    Employee: “Nope! I’m going to stand here and laugh at you a bit more…”
  • Customer: “Excuse me. Do you work here?”
    Employee: “Oh… Sorry. I just dress up like this five days a week because I like messing with people’s minds…”
  • Customer: “Excuse me. Do you look like you work here?”
    Employee: “(no comment)”
  • Customer: “Do you work here?”
    Employee: “Only when the boss is around.”
  • Customer: “Where are the little flat black things you put in computers?”
    Employee: “Hmm. I think they are in the computer section next to the disks.”
  • Customer: “I’m having trouble with my computers coffee holder. Do you carry replacements?”
    Employee: (commits hari-kari on the spot)
  • Customer: “This item doesn’t have a price on it. Does that mean it’s free?”
    Employee: “Yes. That’s one of the items we paid with “free money” with.”
  • Customer: “This doesn’t have a price on it. Does that mean it’s free?
    Employee: “No, that means I get to make up a price. It’s $150.00”
  • Customer: “Excuse me. Is there a manager in this store?”
    Employee: “Nope. Sorry, we only have someone with a “Manager” name tag on to throw people off.”
  • Customer: “Can I open this?”
    Employee: “Sure. I’m sure it’s different on the inside of the clear wrapping.”
  • Customer: “Do you have a shopping cart?”
    Employee: “I think so. Let me look in my pocket. Oh! We moved em out to the parking lot!”
  • Customer: (referring to a cashier): “Are you open?”
    Employee: “No, sorry. I’m just standing here because people are giving me money. Why stop a bad thing. OH! maybe I will turn this light off with the big number on it next to this cash register…”
  • Customer: “Does this printer print in black?”
    Employee: “Yea, but you have to buy the white extra.”
  • Customer: “I am looking for something to plug into the back of my computer that lets me use my fax, scanner, printer, copier, and 4-in-1 multi-function machine at the same time.”
    Employee: “Yea! We have lots of those! Right through that big glass door by the entrance. Don’t be confused by that ‘Exit’ sign.”
  • Customer: “Excuse me. Do you sell these shelves?”
    Employee: “Only with all the items on it. Do you want these price tags too? They’re extra, though.”
  • Customer: “Is this new computer Y2K compliant?”
    Employee: “No, sorry. We just received our new 1900 models. We can put your name on the list so we can sell you the new 2K models 100 years from now…”
  • Customer: “Can you give me a discount on this?”
    Employee: “Yea, that’s why we have those little stickers with prices on em on everything.”
  • Customer: “My computer isn’t working. Do you know why?”
    Employee: “Oh, sorry. I don’t have ESP. Let me transfer you to our ESP Technician department.”
  • Customer: “Do you carry pencils?”
    Employee: “No, I’m sorry. This is an office supply store only. We don’t carry pencils; or pens for that matter.”
  • Customer: “Do you have a bathroom here?”
    Employee: “No, sorry. We all piss in our pants when we need to go.”
  • Customer: Do you know where the hardware department is?
    Employee: Yes I do.
    Customer: Well, could you tell me where it is?
    Employee: I sure could. Would you like me to?

Understanding Corporate Speak

  • Essentially complete
    It’s half done.
  • We predict …
    We hope to God!
  • Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
    100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we’d employ.
  • Potential show stopper
    The team has updated their resumes.
  • Serious but not insurmountable problems
    It’ll take a miracle …
  • Basic agreement has been reached
    The @##$%%’s won’t even talk to us.
  • Results are being quantified
    We’re massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
  • Task force to review
    Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project.
  • Not well defined at this time
    Nobody’s even thought about it.
  • Still analyzing the requirements
    See previous answer.

  • Not well understood
    Now that we’ve thought about it, we don’t want to think about it anymore.
  • Requires further analysis and management attention
    Totally out of control!
  • Results are promising
    Turned power on and no smoke detected — this time…

You’ve Been in Corporate America Too Long When…

  • You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
  • You decide to re-org your family into a “team-based organization.”
  • You refer to dating as “test marketing.”
  • You can spell “paradigm.”
  • You actually know what a paradigm is.
  • You understand your airline’s fare structure.
  • You write executive summaries on your love letters.
  • Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.
  • You think that it’s actually efficient to write a 10 page presentation with 6 other people you don’t know.
  • You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
  • You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities.”
  • You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
  • You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt.”
  • You end every argument by saying “let’s talk about this off-line”.
  • You can explain to somebody the difference between “re-engineering”, “down-sizing”, “right-sizing”, and “firing people’s asses.”
  • You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
  • You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
  • You refer to your previous life as “my sunk cost.”
  • You refer to your significant other as “my co-CEO.”
  • You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
  • You start to feel sorry for Dilbert’s boss.
  • You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
  • You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
  • You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
  • At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
  • Your “deliverable” for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
  • You use the term “value-added” without falling down laughing.
  • You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
  • You give constructive feedback to your dog

Corporate Buzzwords

  • Blamestorming
    Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  • Body Nazis
    Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
  • Seagull Manager
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes on everything and then leaves.
  • Chainsaw Consultant
    An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
  • Cube Farm
    An office filled with cubicles.
  • Idea Hamsters
    People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
  • Mouse Potato
    The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
  • Prairie Dogging
    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
    What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
  • Squirt the Bird
    To transmit a signal to a satellite.
  • Starter Marriage
    A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
  • Stress Puppy
    A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
  • Swiped Out
    An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
  • Tourists
    People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists.”
  • Treeware
    Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
  • Xerox Subsidy
    Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
  • Going Postal
    Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
  • Alpha Geek
    The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person
    in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the Alpha Geek around here.
  • Assmosis
    The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
  • Chips and Salsa
    Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.”
  • Flight Risk
    Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
  • GOOD job
    A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
  • Irritainment
    Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
  • Percussive Maintenance
    The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
  • Uninstalled
    Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.
  • Vulcan Nerve Pinch
    The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Are You a Prostitute or Are You a Consultant?

  • You work very odd hours.
  • You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
  • You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
  • You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
  • You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
  • You are not proud of what you do.
  • Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
  • It’s difficult to have a family.
  • You have no job satisfaction.
  • If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
  • You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
  • People ask you, “What do you do?” and you can’t explain it.
  • Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
  • Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
  • Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
  • Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
  • You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth, but if the client is foolish enough to pay, it’s not your problem.
  • When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
  • You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating ordeal.
  • Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.
  • The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
  • When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

Christmas Party Blues

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols — feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based
Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar
shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes…but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream, I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Smith and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas.

Office Conduct During the Christmas Season

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

  1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
  2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
  3. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
  4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
  5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
  6. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have
a Happy Holiday.

Casual Day

Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, the Committee On Committee’s has appointed a 14-member Casual Day TaskĀ Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

Notice to All Employees

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

  1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged.
  2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance phone bill.)
  3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
  4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
  5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
  6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.