If Wal-Mart Ran Christmas

  • All gifts would be made of the cheapest possible materials available in China or maybe Malaysia by vast armies of workers making a dollar a day.
  • Stockings are filled with cheap toys that break as soon as the kids take them out and candy in odd colors flavored red, green, and white – whatever those are.
  • Clothes are produced in just one design and only 4 color choices.
  • Sizes and cut of the clothes are strange – certainly not what the buying public is used to – and don’t fit any normal humans.
  • Defects are not weeded out before shipment to the stores, so you never know if you have zippers with pulls, buttons that have matching buttonholes, or linings that your arms can fit through.
  • The stores only receive one shipment of these seasonal items and they arrive 6 months ahead of the holiday.
  • The number of ugly and useless items is far greater than any possible good deals, but the good deals are the only ones advertised.
  • You spend twelve hours standing in line for one of the advertised computers only to have some stocker toss them over your head and into the crowd at the designated sale hour. The only customers to get these items are the ones who just walked into the area.
  • When you try to return the gifts that don’t fit more than a day after Christmas and you don’t have your receipt, the price has been cut by 75%.
  • You can’t exchange it for something that does fit or that you will use because the store is already sold out and will not be getting any more.

Fun Things to do at Wal-Mart

  1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
  2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
  3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
  4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
  5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
  6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
  7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
  8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
  9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
  10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what


  11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
  12. Play with the automatic doors.
  13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid


  14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crap,


  15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
  16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
  17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the


  18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
  19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
  20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
  21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
  22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
  23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
  24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
  25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
  26. TP as much of the store as possible.
  27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
  28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
  29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
  30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
  31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples


  32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
  33. Take bets on the battle described above.
  34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
  35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as

    spastic as possible.

  36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
  37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
  38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
  39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
  40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
  41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
  42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
  43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
  44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
  45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
  46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
  47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
  48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices


  49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
  50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you

    don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

You’re Hired!

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He

decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

The first man replied, “A THOUGHT.” It just pops into your head. There”s no warning.

“That”s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And, now you sir?”, he asked the second man.

“Hmmm…let me see “A blink! It comes and goes and you don”t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.”

“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that”s a very popular cliché for speed.” He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

“Well, out at my dad”s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there”s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn

comes on in less than an instant. “Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of”.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It”s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and

final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it”s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.”

“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

“Oh sure”, said Bubba. “You see, the other day I wasn”t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already

s**t my pants.”

Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Dear Mrs. Fenton

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered

banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Underpants
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department


Re: Mr. Bill Fenton – Complaints – 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
  3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
  6. September 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
  7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
  8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
  9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
  10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
  11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
  12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
  13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
  14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
  15. (And; last, but not least!)

  16. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

Killer Chili

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “you’re definitely going to $h!t yourself” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Watson’s Movement 2.” Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as “thunder and lightning.”

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened: The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry be es. This, of course, made me feel terrible but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!!

Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down,” if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. “It” was coming and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john and began the inevitable “Oh my God,” floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe.” He made a gagging sound and disgustedly said, “Sonofabitch!” then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom I reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”

That, of course, set me off again causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose, and pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!” then ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

Wal-Mart Wine

The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, Professor of Marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, Rhode Island, “There is wine in a box that people are willing to buy,” she said. “The right name is important”

Suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

  • Peanut Noir
  • Big Red Gulp
  • Stagger Home
  • Box O’ Grapes
  • NASCARbernet
  • Nasti Spumante
  • White Trashfindel
  • Chef Boyardeaux
  • Chateau des Moines
  • Grape Expectations
  • Chateau Traileur Doublewide
  • Martha Stewart’s Sour Grapes
  • I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
  • World Championship Wriesling
  • Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays”