On the Cruise Ship

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Tips for Traveling in Alabama

  • Rasslin’ is not fake. Don’t dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted Alabamaian to fix your busted head with duct tape.
  • Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
  • Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon ain’t.
  • Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.
  • If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.
  • Don’t be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
  • “Y’all come back now, ya here,” is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but darn (or worse) Yankees are those who decide to stay.
  • If you decide to stay in Alabama and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Alabamaians. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn’t call ’em biscuits.
  • If you hear some use the word FIX or FIXIN’, and it isn’t in the sense that they are repairing something. Example: I’m FIXIN’ to go to the store…. or “Y’all FIX me a coke in there will ya!” This is a valid part of Alabama grammar and is taught regularly in our English classes at school.

Kansas Tourism Council Bulletin

This list will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

  • That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you’ll do all week at the gym. How’d you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?
  • It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
  • We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
  • Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get your butt kicked…by our women.
  • Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for…bait.
  • Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
  • If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
  • That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport.
  • The Jayhawks and the Wildcats are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks…and a dang sight more fun to watch.
  • No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
  • You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
  • So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
  • Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
  • Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
  • Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too-and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
  • They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways-35 goes the other two. Pick one.
  • The “Opener” refers to the first day of pheasant season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
    You can get breakfast at the church.
  • So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
  • Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
  • No, we can’t shoot the meadowlarks. They’re song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one.

Now, enjoy your visit and then go home.

Rules for Frequent Flyers

  • No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
  • If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
  • If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
  • Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
  • If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
  • Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
  • The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
  • The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

An E-Mail From Down South

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been ‘called home to glory’ following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

From: Your Departed Husband

Subject: I’ve Arrived!

I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

No Vacancy

A Jewish man, a Polish man, and a man from India are driving around looking for a hotel. Unfortunately a convention happens to be in town that night, and there are no rooms available. They wind up driving to the outskirts of the city where at last they come across a motel with a VACANCY sign. They stop and go in to register.

“I’m sorry,” says the clerk, “but we only have one room left and it’s only a double.”

The three men explain how desperate they are, and so the clerk says, “Okay, I know what we can do. One of you men can sleep out in the barn. Don’t worry, though, we’ll put a cot out there and make it nice and comfortable for you.”

The clerk then shows them to their room, and as he is leaving he says, “It’s up to you three to decided who is going to sleep in the barn.”

Without hesitation, the man from India says, “No problem, I’ll sleep in the barn.”

He leaves, and a few minutes later, as the other two men are getting ready for bed, they hear a knock at the door. They open it, and the Indian man is standing there. “So sorry,” he says, “I cannot sleep with the sacred cow.”

“So, I’ll sleep in the barn,” says the Jewish man, and he leaves. A few minutes later the other two men hear a knock on the door. They answer it, and the Jewish guy is standing there. He shrugs and says, “Can’t sleep with the pig.”

So the Polish guy says, “I guess I’ll sleep in the barn.”

He leaves. The Indian and the Jewish man are beginning to undress when they hear a sound at the door. They open it and the pig and cow are standing there.

Signs You Chose the Wrong Airline

  • “If there’s a mechanical engineer on board, or even someone who’s mechanically inclined, please report immediately to the cockpit.”
  • Four states and a seatmate’s life story later, you realize the plane is not on I-95 just to taxi to the runway.
  • The complimentary beverage is Zima laced with horse tranquilizer.
  • “…and a special welcome to the Association of Parents with Colicky Triplets!”
  • Relaxing music for take off is Buddy Holly’s Greatest Hits.
  • Phish Air’s complimentary bong hits are soured by overwhelming stench of patchouli oil, sweat and nine-year-old Birkenstocks.
  • The pilot for your trans-Atlantic crossing? Captain Nemo.
  • “And we’d like to welcome all our friends from the Islamic Jihad soccer team…”
  • “We only have one peanut, so just suck on it for a minute and then pass it back.”
  • During her pre-flight demonstration, the flight attendant accidentally inflates her colostomy bag.
  • “In case of a water landing, that tubby guy in seat 19F will double as a flotation device.”
  • After a flock of birds slams into your window, and an attack of vertigo, you begin to think “North By Northwest Airlines” was a bad choice.
  • “Our in-flight movie this evening will be camcorder footage from my daughter Ashley’s Little League game last night.”
  • The pre-flight safety video shows a pair of lips, an ass, and the word “Goodbye” printed in twelve different languages.

Travel Tips

  • Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase “Free Ammo”.
  • Consider carefully before visiting a country where the license plate motto is Die American Pig.
  • There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
  • If you find yourself in Iran, do not use the word blankethead.
  • On a trip to Canada, your travel agent should not charge you for an interpreter.
  • While in the Vatican, do not refer to St. Peter as “Petey-Boy.”
  • Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
  • Avoid any Latin American Tour named Bay of Pigs, Two.
  • In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suicase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
  • Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

Oh, My God!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”


Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

New York City Traveler’s Tips

  • The city does not employ so-called “wallet inspectors.”
  • Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
  • Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
  • John Gotti always has the right of way.
  • Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
  • Don’t lick food from a stranger’s beard.
  • It’s bad manners to lie down inside someone else’s chalk body outline.
  • Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
  • If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
  • If it doesn’t smell like chili, it probably isn’t.