A Good Cause

Subject: A good cause

Dear kind-hearted friend…

Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. General Motors executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level… right here in the land of plenty. And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.

But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an General Motors executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem… but it’s a start! Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an General Motors exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent sucking ass in DC, golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an General Motors executive $700 will almost replace his per diem.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an General Motors exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your executive’s portfolio double or triple!

Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering. HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING? Your General Motors exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor an General Motors executive. My preference is checked below:

  • [ ] Mid-level Manager
    [ ] Director
    [ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which dept)
    [ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)
    [ ] CEO (Contribution: Average General Motors janitor monthly salary x 700)
    [ ] Entire Company
    [ ] I’ll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.

Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the General Motors executive I have sponsored, along with my very own General Motors “Keep America Strong Sponsor an General Motors Exec: Ask Me How!” t-shirt to wear proudly.

Your Name: _______________________ Telephone
Account Number: __________________ Exp. Date:_____
[ ]MasterCard [ ]Visa
[ ]American Express [ ]Discover
Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to “The Invisible Hand” or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, email or third parties. Keep in mind that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

ABC Vending Service Complaint Reply Form

Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints about our vending service.

___ We are aware that _____________ machine has not been stocked in _____ days.

    ___ We are waiting for the weekend.
    ___ We are out of items that have expired.
    ___ We’re busy, don’t bother us about this.
    ___ We don’t care.

___ We are aware that the price for __________ seems high at $_______ but,

    ___ we have to make a living.
    ___ we use an algorithm 3*retail+your_age.
    ___ we charge others more.
    ___ we adjust it to allow for spoilage.

___ We are aware that

    ___ the sodas are warm
    ___ the milk is curdled
    ___ sandwiches are stale
    ___ gum is hard
    ___ candy bars are petrified
    and assure you that that is the way it is supposed to be, really.

___ We understand that

    ___ the bill changer can’t,
    ___ coin return won’t,
    ___ product selection doesn’t,

    and believe that
    ___ you should relax, it all evens out.
    ___ learn to live with it.
    ___ bring in your own change next time.
    ___ be happy it gave you anything.
    ___ quit eating so much junk food.

Thank you and Happy Eating.

Technical Support Request Form

 1. Describe your problem:

 2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

 4. Problem Severity:

    A. Minor__
    B. Minor__
    C. Minor__
    D. Trivial__

 5. Nature of the problem:

    A. Locked Up__
    B. Frozen__
    C. Hung__
    D. Strange Smell__

 6. Is your computer plugged in?
      Yes__ No__

 7. Is it turned on?
      Yes__ No__

 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
      Yes__ No__

 9. Have you made it worse?

10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix it for you?
      Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse?

12. Have you read the manual?
      Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual?
      Maybe__ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual?

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?
      Yes__ No__

16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself.

17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

18. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in?

19. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem?
      Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
      Yes__ What’s a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’?
      Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
      Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?
      Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?
      Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
      Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire?
      Yes__ Not Yet__

27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?

Spice Girls Application

  • Name:
    Real Age:
  • How would you best describe yourself?
    ( ) An energetic self-starter
    ( ) A team player
    ( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet
  • Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits?
    ( ) Talent? Wha’s that?
    ( ) You will just have to see for yourself you cheeky monkey!
  • Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?
    ( ) No
    ( ) What’s unrelenting mean?
  • “I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry.”
    ( ) Yes! Yes! Yes!
    ( ) How many favours do I need to perform? At the same time?
    ( ) What are we waiting for?
  • How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?
    ( ) All the time
    ( ) They’re just jealous!
    ( ) I’m too good to just sing at karaoke bars!
  • Does nudity bother you? If so, give three excuses for your portfolio.
    ( ) Of course not! I love showing off my hot body!
  • Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology. Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?
    ( ) But of course!
  • Are you deceptively attractive in colored or stroboscopic light?
    ( ) Yes
    ( ) Absolutely!
  • Choose an appropriate nickname: (Circle your choice)
    Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Syphilis, Lardy, Sickly, Sporty, Slappy, Posher
  • Choose an appropriate image:
    ( ) Cute, blonde, appeals to pedophiles
    ( ) Tub of lard
    ( ) Bloke. In a tracksuit.
    ( ) Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
    ( ) Terrifying to small children and old men
    ( ) All of the above
  • Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?
    ( ) Yes
  • If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, and 75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini? Be prepared to show your answer.
  • If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles’s loneliness?
    ( ) Yes
    ( ) Do I have to?
  • In space provided, tell us what you want, what you really, really want


News From College

We understand how busy college students can be this time of year. We hope this form letter will help you keep in touch with your parents. Simply check or fill-in appropriate blanks.

Date: ______________

Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

  • Please send:
    __ Money (Cash)!       Amount: _________________________
    __ Food (Cookies)!     Dozens: ___________
    __ Clean clothes!
  • Relationships:

    __ What?
    __ I am in love with myself
    __ I am in love!
    __ I am engaged
    __ I got married last weekend

  • My Roommate:

    __ Worships the ground I walk on
    __ Gave me a black eye
    __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
    __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed???
    __ Has fleas

  • My Professors are:

    __ Sadistic water walkers
    __ Mental institution escapees
    __ Brain dead nerds
    __ Super oxygen thieves

  • Latest News:

    __ I wrecked the car
    __ I can’t use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
    __ You are going to have a grandchild
    __ False alarm – you are NOT going to have a grandchild

  • Food:

    __ Is great!
    __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
    __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

  • Health:

    __ I have gained _____ pounds
    __ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
    __ My HIV test was: (check one) ____ positive ____ negative
    __ I died yesterday!

  • Grades:

    __ I am making all A’s
    __ I am not being properly challenged
    __ I will be home after this semester

  • I study:

    __ Night and day
    __ All the time
    __ 80 hours a week
    __ Only on Sunday afternoon
    __ None of the above

  • Daily Devotions:

    __ I read my Bible everyday
    __ I can’t read
    __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

  • On my last visit home, I left:

    __ My glasses
    __ My paper that was due yesterday
    __ The clothes you washed for me
    __ My (girlfriend’s) birth control pills
    __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
    __ Other _____________________________________________

    Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

  • Laundry:

    __ My white underwear is now _________________
    __ I am saving money by not using detergent
    __ Don’t worry, I washed my clothes last semester
    __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

  • My room:

    __ Can pass your “white glove” test
    __ Is only _____% full
    __ Could not be located last Saturday night
    __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

  • Parties:

    __ I don’t inhale
    __ I only go to meet people
    __ Haven’t been to one since this morning

  • Hope you:

    __ Miss me
    __ Can live without me
    __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

  • Salutation:

    __ Your Daughter,
    __ Your Son,
    __ Yours,

    Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
    Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark (“X”)

The Ms. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Ms. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your stomach is bigger than mine.

___ Your name is objectionable subjecting my future children to it could scar and yes, scare them for life.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy shoes by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you big boy?” comment, given the 9 months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the faithful check.

___ I find your inability to cook & clean my house extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that you live with your Mother reveals an inherent psychological syndrome that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You mention your ex-boyfriends name more than you mention mine.

___ Three words: looks do matter.


[Your name here]

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear (____rejectee’s name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (see below)

[Check all those that apply]

  • ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
  • ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
  • ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
  • ___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
  • ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
  • ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.
  • ___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.
  • ___ You failed the credit check.
  • ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
  • ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
  • ___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.
  • ___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.
  • ___ You mention your ex-wife’s name more than you mention mine.
  • ___ Your gift of a 2 oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds, showed style.
  • ___ Three final words…. Size does matter.


[Your name here]

McDonnell Douglas Customer Satisfaction Form

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

  1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
    [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other

    First Name:……………………………………………..
    Initial: ……..
    Last Name:………………………………………………
    Password: ………………………… (max 8 char)
    Code Name: ………………………………………………
    Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ……….. ……….. ……….

  2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
    [_] F-14 Tomcat
    [_] F-15 Eagle
    [_] F-16 Falcon
    [_] F-117A Stealth
    [_] Classified
  3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 20……. /……. /…….
  4. Serial Number:………………………………………….
  5. Please check where this product was purchased:
    [_] Received as gift / aid package
    [_] Catalog showroom
    [_] Independent arms broker
    [_] Mail order
    [_] Discount store
    [_] Government surplus
    [_] Classified
  6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
    [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [_] Store display
    [_] Espionage
    [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
    [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [_] Was attacked by one
  7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
    [_] Style / appearance
    [_] Speed / maneuverability
    [_] Price / value
    [_] Comfort / convenience
    [_] Kickback / bribe
    [_] Recommended by salesperson
    [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [_] Backroom politics
    [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
  8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
    [_] North America
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Central / South America
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Aircraft carrier
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Europe
    [_] Afganistan
    [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
    [_] Israel
    [_] Africa
    [_] Russia
    [_] Asia / Far East
    [_] Iraq
    [_] Misc. Third World countries
    [_] Pakistan
    [_] Classified
    [_] Iraq
  9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
    [_] Color TV
    [_] VCR
    [_] ICBM
    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player
    [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon
  10. 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)
    [_] Communist / Socialist
    [_] Terrorist
    [_] Crazed
    [_] Neutral
    [_] Democratic
    [_] Dictatorship
    [_] Corrupt
    [_] Primitive / Tribal
  11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
    [_] Deficit spending
    [_] Cash
    [_] Suitcases of cocaine
    [_] Trunks of heroin
    [_] Oil revenues
    [_] Personal check
    [_] Credit card
    [_] Ransom money
    [_] Traveler’s check
  12. Your occupation:
    [_] Homemaker
    [_] Sales / marketing
    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
    [_] Tyrant
    [_] Middle management
    [_] Eccentric billionaire
    [_] Defense Minister / General
    [_] Retired
    [_] Student
  13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
    [_] Golf
    [_] Boating / sailing
    [_] Sabotage
    [_] Running / jogging
    [_] Propaganda / disinformation
    [_] Destabilization / overthrow
    [_] Default on loans
    [_] Gardening
    [_] Crafts
    [_] Black market / smuggling
    [_] Collectibles / collections
    [_] Watching sports on TV
    [_] Wines
    [_] Swinging / Orgies
    [_] Watching pornographic videos
    [_] Making pornographic videos
    [_] Interrogation / torture
    [_] Household pets
    [_] Crushing rebellions
    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [_] Fashion clothing
    [_] Border disputes
    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

Interview Rejection Letter

Next time your application for a job is rejected…

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm’s Name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

[Your Name]

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver’s License Application

  • Name:______________
  • Stage name: ________________

  • Agent: ______________

  • Attorney: __________________

  • Sex:
      ___ male
      ___ female
      ___ formerly male
      ___ formerly female
      ___ both

  • If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

  • Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

  • Occupation:
    [   ] Lawyer
    [   ] Actor/Waiter
    [   ] Film-maker/Self-employed
    [   ] Writer
    [   ] Car Dealer
    [   ] Panhandler
    [   ] Agent
    [   ] Hooker/Transvestite
    [   ] Other; please explain: ______________
  • Please indicate how many times you expect to have sex in a car:______
    Please indicate how much you plan to spend for this sex: $_______

  • Please list:
    Brand of cell phone: __________.
    (If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

  • Please check haircolor:
    Females: [   ] Blonde [   ] Platinum Blonde
    Teenagers: [   ] Purple [   ] Blue [   ] Skinhead
    Men: Please list shade of hairplugs:______________
  • Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
    [   ] Eating a wrap
    [   ] Applying make-up
    [   ] Talking on the phone
    [   ] Slapping kids in the backseat
    [   ] Having sex
    [   ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
    [   ] Tanning
    [   ] Snorting cocaine
    [   ] Watching TV
    [   ] Reading Variety
    [   ] Surfing the net via laptop

  • Please indicate how many times:
    a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
    b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

  • If you are the victim of a car-jacking, you should immediately:
    a) Call the police to report the crime
    b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase
    c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
    d) Call your therapist
    e) None of the above (South Central resident)

  • Please indicate if you drive:
    a) a Beamer
    b) a Lexus
    c) a Mercedes, or
    d) Cabriolet
    If your answer is D, please add six to eight weeks to
    normal delivery time for your driver’s license.

  • In the event of an earthquake, should you:
    a) stop your car,
    b) keep driving and hope for the best,
    c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
    d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

  • In the instance of rain, you should:
    a) never drive over 5 MPH,
    b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
    c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.

  • Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

  • Are you presently taking any of the following medications:
    a) Prozac
    b) Zovirax
    c) Lithium
    d) Xanax
    e) If none, please explain: __________________.

  • Length of daily commute:
    a) 1 hour;
    b) 2 hours;
    c) 3 hours;
    d) 4 hours or more.

  • When stopped by police, should you
    a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready
    b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
    c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?