X-Files Christmas

24. December 1999 – 57 Elm Street, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania – 11:51P.M.

Scully, we’re too late. It’s already been here.

Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing.

Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with bows of holly; stocking hung by the chimney with care.

You really think someone’s been here?

Someone, or something.

Mulder, over here, It’s fruitcake.

Don’t touch it! Those things can be lethal!

There’s a note attached: “gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.”

It’s judging them, Scully. It’s making a list.

Who? What are you talking about?

Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year just after the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

But that’s legend, Mulder, a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don’t believe it?

Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.

It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder this milk glass has been completely drained.

It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There’s no sign of forced entry.

Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Wait a minute, Mulder. If you’re saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you’re crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide, nothing could get through there.

But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?

You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Exactly. …Scully, I’ve never told anyone this but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshaped head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I’ll never forget the horror. I turned away and, when I looked back, it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.


I know what I saw. And that night, it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head.

I’m sorry, Mulder, but you’re asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out they’ll close the X-files.

Scully, listen to me: It knows when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake.
But we have no proof.

Last year on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected a bogey in the airspace over twenty seven states. The White House ordered a condition red.

But that was a meteor shower.

Officially. Two days ago eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington D.C. Nobody, not even the zoo keeper was told about it. The government doesn’t want people to know about Project Kringle.

They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There’s too much at stake.. They’ll do what ever it takes to insure another silent night.


Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear? On the roof. It sounds like … a clatter.

The truth is up there. Lets’s see what’s the matter….

Cartoon Characters on Drugs?

  • Speedy Gonzales
    Hey, c’mon. Was there ever a rodent when Amphetamine abuse is so obvious? And did you notice, he runs out and gets the food for everyone, but does he ever eat any?
  • Elmer Fudd
    No question, the boy trips on Ecstacy. I mean, listen to that laugh, would you?
  • Wile E. Coyote
    Now here’s a total PCP burnout case. Not only does he feel no pain, but he’s too brain damaged to know he’s licked.
  • Yosemite Sam
    Another Angel Dust suspect. His aggression knows no bounds, but despite being shot by cannons at point blank range, he just gets madder and meaner.
  • Snoopy
    Of course, likes to trip out with grass. Mostly, he’s pretty mellowed out, but when he gets his paws on that Hash Oil, hey, its WWI flying Ace time.
  • Olive Oyl
    Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she IS always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the heck are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for dating her.
  • He-Man
    This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse!
  • Yogi and Boo Boo
    We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side: Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..
  • Droopy Dog
    The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.
  • Dopey (Dwarf)
    He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra ‘scripts’ for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
  • Daffy Duck
    If he isn’t using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.
  • Shaggy
    By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats (scooby snacks) consumed per episode smokes pot. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!

Survivor, Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor – Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they’ll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, “I’m gay”, “I’m a vegetarian”, “I voted for Al Gore”, “George Strait Sucks”, “Hillary in 2016”, “What’s the Alamo?”, and “I’m here to confiscate your guns!” The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

Revelations in Barbara Walters’ Interview with Monica

  • She just did it all to meet Roger Clinton.
  • “Bill CLINTON?!? All this time, I thought they were saying Bill *CLIFTON*, this guy I met at Starbucks! Hey, everybody, never mind, okay? My bad.”
  • Deal with Ken Starr included private “oral deposition” and “lap dance for immunity.”
  • Monica admits the President’s DNA was on that blue dress, but she swears the stain was already there when she borrowed the dress from George Stephanopoulos.
  • The President was really sorry there wasn’t more room under his desk for snuggling.
  • While in the throes of passion, Bill promised Monica Delaware and Rhode Island.
  • The most powerful man on the planet is deathly afraid of teeth.
  • She never actually wore a thong; her size 14 ass just made it look that way.
  • It’s damn near impossible to say “fellatio” without an “L” sound.
  • There’s a 200-year-old collection of Presidential chewing gum under the Oval Office desk.
  • Pet name for the Presidential appendage: “Little Rock”
  • Things really got confusing when the president suggested she, “Take a trip to Mount Vernon.”
  • She’s a vapid, brainless dullard desperate for any pitiful shred of media exposure. And we learn some things about Monica as well.

New TV Programs

Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:

  • Modem, She Wrote
    Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won’t ever connect at 56k.
  • Micro-CHiPs
    Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
  • Carly’s Angels
    Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP’s sagging stock price.
  • Hawaii 6.0
    An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
  • T. J. Hacker
    A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
  • The Excel Files
    Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
  • The AOL-Team
    Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. TT unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.
  • Magnum, PC
    This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak ‘n’ Spell?
  • The Incredible Bulk
    The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.
  • Buffy the Virus Slayer
    Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files– no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

Five Famous Commercials

These five commercials were aired during the Monica Lewinsky/Barbara Walters Interview” (and yes, these really did air during the interview)

  • Victoria’s Secret lingerie.
  • Burger King – featuring the song “It’s My Party, and I’ll Cry if I Want To.”
  • Oral-B Deluxe.
  • A promo for the TV movie “Cleopatra,” with the following voice-over: “When she was only 20, she seduced the most powerful leader in the world.”
  • Maytag’s Neptune washing machine – “It actually has the power to remove stains!”

Jewish Survivor

Did you hear about the new program on CBS’s Cable Channel-“Jewish Survivor”? Eighteen Jews are put in a two bedroom non-Rent Controlled Apartment (not a sublet) on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one of the Tribe until there is a survivor who gets a $1 million trust fund.

Jewish Survivor Rules:

  • No maid service
  • No use of ATM’s or Credit Card – cash only.
  • No food from Carry out or delivery.
    All purchases must be retail.
  • No calls to mother for women or businesses for men.
  • Any trip outside the apartment can only be by foot, bus or subway – no limos or cabs
    All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweats – no designer labels allowed — oops I forgot exercise must be more than channel changing.
  • Nothing from Zabars allowed.
  • No Jewish Geography.
  • TV allowed but no cable.
  • No New York Times only New York Post.
  • On Jewish Holidays Tribe members can take day off but must actually go to shul.
  • Any member checking on stock market investments immediately excluded.
  • Team members must construct their own furniture with only a hammer saw and nails – no Pottery Barn catalogs allowed.
  • Team members must dress for all meals – they must of course do their own nails, hair and makeup however an emergency stylist and manicurist is on call for bad hair days and nail emergencies (limited to one visit per Tribesman per week).
  • There is only one phone line for all eighteen Tribe members and no call can last more than 3 minutes.
  • All maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe without help from any gentile or from the building superintendent if by chance he is a member of the tribe (small t).

Lovey Howell’s Diary is Sold


The diary of Eunice “Lovey” Howell was sold at Christie’s auction house today to a representative of Professor Roy Hinkley, Ph.D., during a sealed bid.

Hinkley, known as The Professor, was trying to keep the stories of his love affair with the wife of Thurston Howell III while shipwrecked on a deserted island a secret.

But investigators for Fox News and the Jerry Springer Show blew the lid off of the steamy memoirs. Page after lurid page of secret meetings with “My Bendy Boy, sweet Gilligan” and “Rocket Man”, an obvious reference to the Professor.

Reached at the Pacific Bay Retirement Home, Willy Gilligan was asked about his affair with “Lovey”. “She was a wild woman. Thurston couldn’t handle her. She was too much woman for him. We used to sneak off down to the lagoon when everyone else was asleep. Everyone thought I was doing Mary Ann, but, it was the Skipper she had the hots for. Go figure.”

Gilligan admitted Mrs. Howell had used some of Thurston’s own money to set up a trust fund for Gilligan so he could live out his days in comfort once they returned to the mainland. He confesses that he was angry when he found out about Mrs. Howell’s additional affair with The Professor, but has come to grips with it.

“You see, all Thurston thought about was money. Stock markets. I was her lover because I had youth and stamina. The Professor, though, he taught her things. He showed her how to build a nuclear reactor from a coconut. He taught her how to extract gold from seawater using nothing but a papaya. That always got her hot. The more I think about it, the more I truly believe the reason the Professor could never fix the boat was because he was boning Mrs. Howell.”

Remembering the Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, these tidbits may bring tears of joy to your eyes!

  • Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
  • Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
  • Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
  • Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
  • Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
    A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
  • Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
  • Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
  • Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
    A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
  • Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
  • Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries!
  • Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
  • Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
  • Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
  • Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
  • Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
  • Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
  • Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
  • Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
  • Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
  • Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
  • Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
  • Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh!!!

Gilligan’s Island

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called Gilligan’s Island. There is, however, a dark secret about this “comedy” you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of HELL. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

  • Ginger represents LUST – she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.
  • Mary Ann represents ENVY – she is jealous of Ginger’s beauty.
  • The Professor represents PRIDE – he is an annoying know-it-all.
  • Mr. Howell represents GREED – no explanation needed.
  • Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH – she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.
  • The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY – again, no explanation needed and ANGER – he violently hits Gilligan on each show.
  • This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

    …….. Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.