Category Archives: Spiritual

Hymns of the Lukewarm Church

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The Lukewarm Church (God’s Frozen People) announces publication of “Church Songs,” whose title, according to the editor, was chosen because “We didn’t want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands anymore like ‘worship’ or ‘hymn.’ People in today’s society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They’d much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our book seeks to meet that need.”

Sample contents:

  • A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
  • Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
  • Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
  • Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
  • All Hail the Influence of Jesus’ Name
  • My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
  • Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
  • My Faith Looks Around for Thee
  • Be Thou My Hobby
  • O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
  • Blest Be the Tie That Doesn’t Cramp My Style
  • Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
  • He’s Quite a Bit to Me
  • Oh, How I Like Jesus
  • I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
  • Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
  • I Surrender Some
  • Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
  • I’m Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
  • Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord is Come
  • Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
  • Special, Special, Special
  • Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
  • Stick Nearby, It’s Getting Dark Outside
  • Take My Life and Let Me Be
  • There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
  • There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings
  • What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
  • When Peace, Like a Trickle…
  • When the Saints Go Sneaking In
  • Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
  • God of Taste, and God of Stories
  • Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize

Let This Be A Warning!

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A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

Jewish Fathers

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A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home “Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,” the son said. “It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.”

“Oi vey,” replied the father, “what have I done?” So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.

“It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated his friend. “I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.”

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi. “I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,” said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, “Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel….”

Jesus Saves

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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job”.

So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves”.

I Think I’m Gonna Be Sick!

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A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”

“No,” her mother replied.

“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.”

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

“Were you sick?” her mom asked.

“Yes.”

“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.'”

In The Beginning

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In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, “Let there be light”, and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?

What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night”. Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed”. The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth”.

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before…

At this point God created Hell.

Infidelity

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The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, “I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!” Half of his congregation stood up.

He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!” A couple of men stood up.

He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!” Several women stood up.

The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister shouted out, “Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?”

“Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn’t preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!”

Little Johnny replied, “Reverend, you ain’t said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!”

Parrot Talk

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A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Heavenly Vows

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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?”, they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple. “Jeez!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer!?”

A Heavenly Combination

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The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn’t quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor’s study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.

Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock, quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed.

“I’m in awe at your faith, pastor,” she said.

“It’s really nothing,” he answered. “The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.”