Religious Tech Support

Ring ring…

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.

God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?

Sinner: Ummm… lets see, I have a confirmation, so it must have been a priest.

God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services?

Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.

God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?

Sinner: Not that I can think of…

God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies *(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet). Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?

Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.

God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.

Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?

God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible® and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini. You can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.

Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?

God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout®, Microsoft Seminary Plus®, and Google Hereafter Browser®. If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be fine.

Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.

God: Go in Peace® my son.

Ring ring…

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish…

If Biblical Headlines Were Written Today

  • On Red Sea crossing:
    Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
  • On David vs. Goliath:
    Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
  • On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
    400 Killed
  • On the birth of Christ:
    Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
  • On feeding the 5,000:
    Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
  • On healing the 10 lepers:
    “Faith Healer” Causes Bankruptcy
  • On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
    Local Farmer’s Investment Lost
  • On raising Lazarus from the dead:
    Will Reading to be Delayed

Praise the Lord!

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: “Christian Horse for Sale.” Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a “test run”.

The Pastor grabbed the reins. “Giddyap.” The horse ignored him.

“No, no,” counseled the owner. “This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, ‘Praise the Lord!'”

The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. “He won’t answer to ‘Whoa’,” said the owner. “It’s ‘Amen’.”

The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, “Praise the Lord,” and went riding into the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.

The Pastor cried ‘Whoa!’ but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed ‘AMEN!!!!!’ just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, ‘PRAISE THE LORD!'”

The Power of Persuasion

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card — unopened — laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red “A” under the subject of MATH.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. “Was it the nuns that did it?,” the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, “No.”

“Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?”


“The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”

“Nope,” said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the ‘plus sign,’ I just knew they meant business!”

Pastor Search Committee Report

In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on
each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

  • Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
  • Moses: He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
  • Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
  • David: He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not ‘fallen.’
  • Solomon: He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
  • Elijah: He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
  • Hosea: His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
  • Jeremiah: He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real ‘pain in the neck.’
  • Amos: Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
  • John: He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
  • Peter: Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
  • Paul: We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
  • Timothy: He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
  • Jesus: He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
  • And, our choice is:

  • Judas: He seemed to be very practical, co-operative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

The Pastoral Search Committee.

One Last Wish

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”

“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asketh the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”

No Excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special ‘No Excuse Sunday.’

  1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, ‘Sunday is my only day to sleep in.’
  2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, ‘The roof will cave in if I ever came to church.’
  3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
  4. There will be hearing aids for those who say, ‘The paster speaks too softly,’ and cotton for those who say, ‘He preaches too loudly.’
  5. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.
  6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.
  7. There will be TV dinners for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner too.
  8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.

Things You Never Hear in Church

  • Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
  • I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
  • Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
  • I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
  • I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
  • Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
  • I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
  • Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
  • Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
  • Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

More Church Bulletin Typos

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:

  • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  • Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
  • Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  • The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sabbath.
  • The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
  • A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
  • Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”
  • Evening Massage – 6 p.m.
  • Ushers will eat latecomers.
  • The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her.
  • On a church bulletin during the pastor’s illness: GOD IS GOOD. Pastor Hargreaves is better.
  • Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts…
  • Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
  • Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
  • This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
  • We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning duringthe worship service. Now let’s sing “Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow.”
  • The agenda was adopted…the minutes were approved… the final secretary gave a grief report.
  • Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

Manufacturer’s Notice

It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.

  1. It is necessary to inform her/him of any members who are hospitalized.
  2. It is necessary to inform him/her of any members who should be added to the “shut-in” list.
  3. If someone you know is sick or otherwise in need of the pastor’s prayers, or if you know of someone who should be included in the prayers on Sunday morning, the pastor must be told, or she/he won’t know.
  4. If you are in need of a pastoral visit or some other service from the pastor, you will get best results if you ask him/her.

We regret any inconvenience this may cause. If these special procedures create an undue burden, please feel free to send the unit back, and one with full psychic abilities will be shipped as soon as one becomes available.