Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.
The Company has an optional overtime policy – you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO’s son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
- Stock Options
You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you’ll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
This is how much money you’ll lose under your “Stock Option” plan.
- Hellth Plan
No, that isn’t a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for “Hell’s Medical Organization.” It was organized by some of Hell’s finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:
- You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally – as of now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don’t forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.
- You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician’s name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.
- You are not covered under this plan.
All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a “grace period” to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.
May be made anonymously in the box marked “Complaints” in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.
Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be worn many times before they smell bad enough to warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes.
Exception: You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw up on them or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only if they stink.
Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down the laundry chute. If you don’t, the law of physics causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind the washer or drying, and Mom is getting to old to crawl back there and fish them out.
- Clothes Hung Up
Clean clothes can be easily removed from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring hangers.
Special note: This makes Mom want to choke children. So far, she has been able to refrain from this action.
- Dirty Clothes Rule
If you have made the decision to put something in the dirty clothes, do not later decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of devastation in its wake.
Special note: The only thing worse than having to put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and over.
Check your own pockets before you put dirty items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No? I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will have the pleasure of this experience.
Special note: In the future, all money found in pockets becomes the property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has heard that you don’t have to do laundry while you are on a cruise!
- Folded Clothes Rule
When those clean clothes miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY!
Special note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a generous contribution to the Goodwill.
- General Dirty Clothes Rule
If they aren’t dirty, why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try something on and decide that it will not make the fashion statement you were looking for that particular day, think twice before you make that conscious decision that it is easier to throw the item in the dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again, the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
- Laundry Sharing
In the future, each of you will be required to do one load of laundry a week. Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy of this household chore should be shared, and she has been very selfish about this in the past. She also feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would not be in the best interest of your parents.
Note – Rules may be added or modified at any time by Mom.
I, (sign your name) __________________________________ agree to abide by the above rules, as I actually have no choice in the matter and do not wish to further anger my mother.