The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights”.
- ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
- ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
- ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
- ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
- ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.
- ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
- ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
- ARTICLE VIII:
You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
- ARTICLE IX:
You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and educational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
- ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness – which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
As an ASSHOLE, I proclaim the following:
- I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness.
- I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all. Christianity be damned.
- If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.
- I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not have to worry about whether or not I was polite.
- If I think someone’s an idiot, I will tell them they’re an idiot.
- I have the right to tell children that their parents aren’t raising them correctly. (Think of how many times you’ve been at a supermarket and heard a screaming child the entire time…what exactly would you want to say that’d be any nicer?)
- If you don’t know what you’re talking about, shut the hell up.
- You may have the right to speak, but I don’t have to listen to you.
- If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it’s a free country.
- If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog my arteries with junk, and have unsafe sex with the woman/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I’m at it.
- I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.
- Jerry Springer for President!!!!!!!
- Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over society.
- Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself, and you’re worried about my religious beliefs?
- Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.
- Just because you work at McDonald’s doesn’t mean you have an excuse to have an I.Q. under twelve.
- (Courtesy of George Carlin) Just because you’re a student does not mean that you’re any more enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.
- Speaking of Blockbuster, if I return the tape, you do not have to actually sue me for $15!!
- If you’re stupid enough to give me credit, deal with the consequences.
- It’s ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5. (If I didn’t have the $5, what makes you think I’m going to have $25 you retards!!)
- If you don’t like the way I drive then at the next red light get out from under my car.
- If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it’s a newborn baby?
- If I shoot you while you’re committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I’ll shoot you again.
- Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.
- If you live in Tornado Alley, don’t whine when you get hit by a tornado.
Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest-back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.
- Rule #1
Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase “it’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often, you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
- Rule #2
The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
- Rule #3
Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
- Rule #4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.
- Rule #5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
- Rule #6
It’s not your parents fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
- Rule #7
Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
- Rule #8
Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new lease on life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.
- Rule #9
Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom, nor a soap opera. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.
- Rule #10
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
- Rule #11
Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.
- Don’t throw a brick straight up.
- Don’t take long naps while driving.
- Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
- Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.
- Don’t microwave yourself too often.
- Don’t stick body parts into electrical outlets.
- When using an acetylene torch, don’t feel the flame to see if it’s sufficiently hot.
- If you’re on a ball field and someone shouts, “Heads up!” don’t actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
- Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
- When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
- No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
- When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
- When you find a prize in a box of “Crackerjacks,” there is no need to report it on your income tax return.
- “Time” magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
- One + one = two. Try to remember that.
- Don’t count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.
- If you discover that February only has 28 days, don’t report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.
- For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.
If you found above rules useful, under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
April 1st is Your special high holy day.