- You refer to downtown Buffalo as “The City”
- “Vacation” means going to Allegheny for the week.
- You measure distance in hours.
- You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
- You’ve used your back porch or the trunk of your car as a fridge/deep freeze. (Ahhh, winter…)
- You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
- You use a down comforter in the summer.
- You drive at 65 mph through a raging blizzard, without flinching.
- People say they live in Buffalo when their mailing address is West Seneca.
- You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.
- There is a mini mall every 1/4 mile; if not, you’re in Niagara County.
- You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
- There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Wegman’s at any given time.
- You design your grandkid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
- You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.
- It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you’re in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
- You know to avoid tractor trailers 190 with Canadian Plates.
- It’s POP DAMMIT! And people who call it Soda make you want to slap them.
- You don’t consider what Domino’s or Pizza Hut sell as real Pizza.
- You know that ‘First Night’ isn’t a Sean Connery movie.
- There is no such thing as waiting for the left turn arrow at an intersection.
- Your career ambition is to work for NY State.
- Even with the slightest threat of snow, you know that only the Buffalo City schools are closed.
- There is nothing International about Buffalo’s Airport.
- You can spell and say ‘Cheektowaga’ and ‘Lackawanna.’
- You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Upstate NY.
- All security personnel are required to wear coon skin caps.
- He keeps referring to the shuttlecraft as a pirouge.
- There’s an LSU bumper sticker on a warp necelle that says “Geaux Tigers.”
- His favorite Holodeck program is called “tho’ down at de fais do do.”
- Every time you dock at a Star Base, he asks to see the “Cock o’ de Walk.”
- He programs the replicator for Boudin.
- He calls the phasers “scatter-guns.”
- He calls photon torpedoes “slugs.”
- He refers to Klingons as Catfish.
- His hand phaser is shaped like a Bowie Knife.
- He loves Klingon food.
- He refers to Romulan Ale as Stromberry Wine.
- His ready room has a porch.
- His Science Officer’s name is Gaston.
- The Red Alert alarm sounds like an accordian.
- He refers to the Romulan Web as a “Gill Net.”
- The main computer password is “show me your tits.”
- He thinks “Q” is from Arkansas.
- He signals Red Alert by saying “Sacre!”
- He has twenty-seven girlfriends throughout the Galaxy, and they’re all named Marie.
- When he fights a Klingon Warbird, the first thing he does is shine a spotlight in their eyes.
Back in the 1800s, when Canada’s founding fathers gathered to discuss and plan independence from England, the issue of what to call this new country naturally came up.
One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. “USA is simple. It’s catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that’s our name. What do you think, eh?”
Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them.
“C, eh……N, eh…….D, eh”
- You stand in “line-ups” at the movie, not lines.
- You’re not offended by the term “Homo Milk”
- You understand the phrase, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine”.
- You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
- You drink pop, not soda.
- You know what it means to be on pogey.
- You know that a mickey and a 2-4 means “Party at the camp, eh!!”
- You don’t hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
- You can drink legally while still a teen.
- You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
- You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
- You don’t know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it’s just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
- When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
- You’re not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don’t want to know if he has!
- You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
- Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
- You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
- You sit on a couch not a chesterfield – that is some small town in Quebec!
- You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
- You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
- You know that Thrills are something to chew and “taste like soap”.
- You know that Mounties “don’t always look like that”.
- You read rather than scanned this list.
- Can bask in a sense of national security without having to worry about such messy details as providing for your own defense.
- Can mispronounce the “ou” sound and get away with it.
- Have wonderful (free) medical care at your disposal, just a short drive to the hospital (or right at home, if you’re not in a hurry).
- Can misspell “color” (and “humor”) and get away with it.
- Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.
- Almost as much confusion about official language as the Americans.
- REAL unspoiled wilderness (without restrooms & vending machines).
- Spontaneous arrogance.
- Maggie Trudeau, eh?
- You had a polka band instead of a string quartet at your wedding reception.
- You own a cheese-head or necktie. And have worn it in public. At Lambeau Field or Milwaukee County Stadium.
- You say “Ja hey dere once, eh?” more than once a day.
- You get offended by “Sven and Olie” jokes.
- You could polka before you could walk.
- You went to Sheboygan for your honeymoon.
- You have flipped off a F.I.B. more than twice in the last week.
- Your favorite food is hotdish.
- You flew your flag at half mast for a week after the great Oscar Meyer fire of ’91.
- “Second Week in Deer Camp” brings a tear to your eye.
- You do it doggie-style in winter so you and your partner can both keep watching the hockey game.
- You know more than 17 different ways to cook brats.
- Your mother gave you Leinie’s rather than milk in your baby bottle.
- You have a gnome or a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
- You get withdrawal symptoms after three days without green jello.
- You have ever tipped a cow. When sober.
- You have ever eaten an entire Hillshire Farms Christmas gift pack in one sitting.
- You drink from a bubbler.
- You have ever bowled more than 10 consecutive games.
- You have memorized every line from “Strange Brew.”
- You appeared at Lambeau field wearing only a g-string and green paint.
- You are related to the National Sheepshead Champion.
- Your family pet is named “Bossie”.
- You have ever had a date with Ms. Dairyland 20xx.
- You had your wedding reception at a bowling alley.
- You own the CD of “25 Great Accordian Hits”. And can play along with it.
- Laverne and Shirley are your all-time heros.
- You have ever been mistaken for a Yooper.
- You seldom can remember the week after Oktoberfest.
- You considered suicide after Paul Molitor got traded.
- You have ever worn a bowling shirt with your name embroidered on it to church.
- You have ever spent more than 72 consecutive hours in an ice-fishing hut.
- You have ordered pizza with sauerkraut on it (more than once.)
- Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
- Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.
- Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
- Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
- Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
- Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.
Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
- Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backwards country.
- Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
- Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
- First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It’s DAL-LUS.
- Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules… Hold on and pray.
- All directions start with, “Go down to Beltline”…which has no beginning and no end.
- The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a “scenic drive”.
- The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
- If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will get rear ended.
- Major roads mysteriously change names and direction at intersections.
- Intense construction on the highway system is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
- All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we were in Fort Worth!!”
- If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
- All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way, especially in the vicinity of Neiman Marcus.
- If asking directions east of downtown, you must have a working knowledge of Spanish.
- Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
- A trip across town will take a minimum of four hours. Pack a lunch.
- Don’t carry money, jewelry, family, etc., on Martin Luther King Freeway. And keep all doors locked at all times.
- The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff is not ornamental.
- Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, “Keep honking. I’m reloading.”
- If you are in the left lane, and only going 70… people are not waving when they go by.
- The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of the NASCAR circuit.
- Any section of Dallas above IH-635 is considered too far and too close to Oklahoma to be driving.
- Plano and Flower Mound are not real cities, they were produced and brought to you by the nice people at Disney for the pure entertainment of housewives.
- You hear the number “82” and grab a shovel. (As in Blizzard of ’82)
- You merge onto the highway at 15 miles an hour.
- You have absolutely no recognizable accent.
- If the humidity gets above 25%, you consider it “Muggy”.
- You only go to Lodo when friends are in from out of town.
- You have been skiing less than 3 times in your life.
- You actually think 5-Points is a ghetto.
- You are the third car to run a red light after it has changed.
- You say things like “I don’t care how big Parker is, it’s still a one-horse town”.
- You think only stupid people get lost in this town.
- When giving directions, you never say “Turn left, turn right”, it’s always go West, then South.
- You know where the city ended when you were a kid, and would never move further out than that boundary.
- You hear “Governor Owens” and you still think they’re talking about some other state’s governor.
- There is not enough money in the world to get you to move to the Springs.
- During a thunderstorm you wonder “Which I-25 underpass is flooding”.
- You never plan a picnic between 3:30 and 6:00 in Spring or Summer months.
- If it rains more than 2 days straight you compare the weather to being in Seattle.
- Thornton, Northglenn and Westminster are “Another State”.
- You voted for higher taxes to fund Coors field, but voted down taxes for public transportation.
- You have a broken windshield.
- You see no reason to travel to Aurora.
- The only RTD bus you’ve been on is the 16th Street shuttle.
- Bear chases are televised for hours.
- The two major newspapers have the same owner, yet one insists on making its on rules regarding what to call the new stadium.
- The biggest event of the year is the Western Stock Show.
- Big Mac = A sports venue, not a hamburger. (Now extinct)
- LoDo = A tourist trap with expensive condos, not an extinct bird.
- “Little California” = Highlands Ranch
- The Springs = Colorado Springs, where the religious freaks live.
- Independent Republic of Boulder = Where the rest of the freaks live.
- The Donkeys = The Broncos when they are losing.
- “Californicators” = Californians
- “Ass-Holes” = Texans
- “The Narrows” = I-25 between University and Broadway
- “Jolly Green Giant’s Golf Balls” = Buckley A.N.G.
- “tourists” = people driving on the 16th Street Mall.
- “Damn Rockies” = What one says looking for a parking spot Downtown.
- You say “I’m Grand” all the time.
- You drink Guinness as if it is a sixth food group.
- You disagreed with 2. – Guinness is the FIRST food group.
- You’re pale and white… yet compared to others your suntan looks good.
- You say “Are you Grand ?” all the time.
- You say “Isn’t it grand” all the time.
- You say “That’d be grand” all the time.
- You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.
- You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.
- You don’t eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes
- You say “Your man” all the time.
- You say “Your woman” all the time.
- You say “It’s grand that your man asked if I’m grand” all the time.
- You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone’s mammy – at thirty.
- You talk about ‘dinners’ and ‘mammys’.