Kitty Litter Cake

Kitty Litter Cake

  • 1 Spice or German Chocolate Cake Mix
  • 1 White Cake Mix
  • 1 Pkg White Sandwich Cookies
  • 1 Large pkg Vanilla Instant Pudding Mix
  • Green food coloring
  • 12 Small Tootsie Rolls
  • 1 *NEW* kitty litter box
  • 1 *NEW* kitty litter box plastic liner
  • 1 *NEW* pooper scooper

Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans). Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.

Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in blender, they tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup.

To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix using a fork or shake in a jar.

When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss
with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. You probably won’t need all of the pudding, mix with the cake and “feel” it, you don’t want it soggy, just moist; gently combine.

Line new, clean kitty litter box. Put mixture into litter box.

Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls and bury in mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly over the top, this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.

Heat remaining Tootsie Rolls, 3 at a time in the microwave until almost melted.

Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. This is my addition–only: spread 5 of the remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top; take one and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box; sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs.

Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around.

Serve with a *new* pooper scooper.

Original Chef: Unknown…but someone with a great sense of humor!

How to Cook a Turkey

aka Thanksgiving Turkey for Dummies

  • Step 1 :
    Go buy a turkey
  • Step 2 :
    Take a drink of whiskey
  • Step 3 :
    Put turkey in the oven
  • Step 4 :
    Take another two drinks of whiskey
  • Step 5 :
    Set the degree at 375 ovens
  • Step 6 :
    Take three more whiskeys of drink
  • Step 7 :
    Turn oven the on
  • Step 8 :
    Take four whisks of drinkey
  • Step 9 :
    Turk the bastey
  • Step 10 :
    Whiskey another bottle of get
  • Step 11 :
    Stick a turkey in the thermometer
  • Step 12 :
    Glass yourself another pour of whiskey
  • Step 13 :
    Bake the whiskey for four hours
  • Step 14 :
    Take the oven out of the turkey
  • Step 15 :
    Take the oven out of the turkey
  • Step 16 :
    Floor the turkey up off of the pick
  • Step 17 :
    Turk the carvey
  • Step 18 :
    Get yourself another scottle of botch
  • Step 19 :
    Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
  • Step 20 :
    Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Fruitcake Recipe

  • 1 cup water
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 2 cups dried fruit
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 cup brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • nuts
  • 1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.


Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another cup.

Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Elephant Stew

2 Rabbits (Optional)
1 Elephant, Medium Size
Salt and Pepper to taste
Brown Gravy

Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces. This should take about two months. Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees.

This will serve 3800 people. If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in their stew.

Easter Story Cookies

You will need the following ingredients:

  • 1 cup whole pecans
  • 1 teaspoon vinegar
  • 3 egg whites
  • A pinch salt
  • 1 cup sugar
  • A zipper baggie
  • A wooden spoon
  • Tape
  • Bible
  • Your children

Preheat oven to 300 F.

Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested He was beaten by the Roman soldiers.
Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 teaspoon of vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink.
Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life.
Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers, and the bitterness of our own sin.
Read Luke 23:27.

So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him.
Read Psalms 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus.
Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid.
Read Matthew 27:57-60.

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed.
Read Matthew 27:65-66.

Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed.
Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty.
Read Matthew 28:1-9.


Chocolate Layer Cake 1040

  • Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)
  • Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
  • Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
  • Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.
  • Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.
  • Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.
  • Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.
  • Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.
  • Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.
  • Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.
  • Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)
  • Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m “For the Birds.”
  • Line 11. Add vanilla.
  • Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.
  • Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).
  • Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9×13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9×13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings.

Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, “Fresh Fruit Desserts.”

Why Chemists Don’t Write Cookbooks

Chocolate Chip Cookies


  1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
  2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
  3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
  4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
  5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
  6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
  7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
  8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
  9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
  10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Cat Poop Cookies

Here, by popular request (believe it or not) is the recipe for the infamous disgusting cookies that look like cats poops (rolled in grape-nuts, which makes lovely fake kitty litter.) Last warning — many of you may not want to read this!

There are two flavors-chocolate (dark brown), and gingerbread (light brown).

The author seldom measured carefully, so the amounts may need adjustment, especially on flavoring. The cookies are dense and not very sweet, this is necesssary so that they will keep their shape during baking. If you use white flour or sugar, they may be tastier but they won’t look like poopies.

Chocolate ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup honey
  • 2/3 cup (1 and 1/3 stick) butter, margarine, or lard
  • 1 egg
  • 1 tsp vanilla or peppermint extract
  • 2 cups whole wheat flour
  • 1/3 cup cocoa powder
  • Grape-Nuts(tm) cereal

Gingerbread ingredients:

  • 1/4 cup honey
  • 1/4 cup molasses
  • 2/3 cup(1 and 1/3 stick) butter or margarine, or lard
  • 1 egg
  • 2 and 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
  • spices-ginger, cinnamon, cloves to taste (maybe 1/2 tsp each)
  • Grape-Nuts(tm) cereal


  • Coconut = tapeworms
  • Chocolate chips = poop chunks!
  • Butterscotch chips = diarrhea!
  • Peanut butter chips = diarrhea!
  • Cooked spagetti or ramen noodles = roundworms
  • Corn = self explanatory!
  • Peanuts = chunks
  • M&Ms = decoration?

To Make:

Microwave the honey till it bubbles (about 1 minute). Add the butter, (I’ve been told using lard makes for a more realistic texture and softer cookie) and the molasses, if any. Add the egg, mix well, then mix in all the other stuff. Add mix-ins of your choice to some or all of the batter. Chill 1 hour in the freezer or several hours in the fridge. Roll dough logs of random length and the diameter of cat poops. Roll logs in grape-nuts and bake at 350 degrees till done (about 20 minutes, but this varies so watch them.)

Serve in a disposable cat litter box on a bed of grapenuts, with a cat litter scoop. I hear you get lovely effects by decorating the box and scoop with melted chocolate or pudding. Brown sugar might work as a substitute for the new clumping litters…

Mixing brown sugar with the grapenuts “sweetens up the cookie a bit while still looking truly hideous.”

This recipe worked especially well at the Hallowe’en party where the table was already decorated with plastic flies.

The Best Rum Cake Ever

1 or 2 quarts rum
baking powder
1 C butter
1 tsp soda
1 tsp sugar
lemon juice
2 large eggs
brown sugar
1 C dried fruit

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn’t it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality–try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for conscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn’t matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.

Easy Baked Stuffed Chicken

It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact, it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.

  • 6-7 lb. chicken
  • 1 cup melted butter
  • 1 cup stuffing
  • 1 cup uncooked popcorn
  • salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken’s rear blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.

I just love these easy recipes!!