This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Don’t read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 1 minute…Total!
- First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
- Then, beside the first and second numbers, fill in any two numbers you want.
- Beside the 3rd and 7th numbers, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.
Don’t look ahead …. or it won’t turn out right !
- Write anyone’s name (like friends or family…) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots.
Don’t cheat or you’ll be upset that you did … this is interesting!
- Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.
- Finally, make a wish…..
And here is the key for that game….
You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game in (the number in space 1) days in order to make your wish come true.
The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
The person in 7 is one you like but can’t work out.
You care most about the person you put in 4.
The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.
The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.
The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3.
The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.
And 11 is the song telling how you feel about sex!
Instructions: Measure patient’s response to these statements:
- I salivate at the sight of mittens.
- My father was a good woman.
- My sex life is A-OK.
- I believe in afterbirth.
- I often lie to make myself obnoxious.
- I prefer spiders to lima beans.
- Chiclets make me sweat.
- Often, I think I am a special agent of Billy Graham.
- I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
- Sometimes I feel I am persecuting somebody.
- Policemen love me.
- I have never been able to put a bagel into overdrive.
- Boredom excites me.
- My mother was Erik the Red.
- Eggplants make me blush.
- Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.
- Weeping brings tears to my eyes.
- I believe I smell as good as most people.
- Halitosis is part of my style.
- I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
- I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
- I have taken shoe polish to excess.
- God rarely answers my letters.
- As a child I often suffered from bubonic plague.
- I always cut my hair with an emery board.
- Sitting in the glove compartment makes me claustrophobic.
- My nose has suddenly gone blank.
- It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I find myself in a room full of cockroaches.
- Most people do not know how to behave in a massacre.
- I am afraid of finding myself in a drawer or some other compromising place.
- I am not threatened by people who want to put my tongue in a paper punch.
- I am tired of being elected President.
- I believe in Cincinnati.
- My parents always faced catastrophes with a song.
- I think oatmeal is erotic.
- I have an uncontrollable urge to fondle other people’s teeth.
- My tonsils frequently come when I whistle.
- I am piqued when I find a rhinoceros in my bed.
- The three greatest men who ever lived were Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Sometimes I believe someone is trying to take over my stomach.
- I believe there is a plot to make me happy.
- When I look down from a high place I want to spit.
- I am often bothered by thoughts of sex while having intercourse.
- Most of the time I go to sleep without saying “good-bye.”
by Neil Zawacki
Well, I’ve decided to write a personality quiz to help people determine what kind of person they are. This was inspired by the old ‘The Far Side’ cartoon about the four different personality types:
- The glass is half full!
- The glass is half empty.
- Half full! No, half empty! Wait, what was the question again?
- Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger!
So grab a #2 pencil and piece of paper and get ready for…
The All-New All-True Absolutely Foolproof People Personality Test
- When walking through a door, do you…
a. Open the door, hold it open for the next person, and then walk right on through.
b. Open the door and walk right on through, ignoring whoever’s behind you.
c. Open the door, hold it open, wait for everybody nearby to walk on through, look around for anyone else, neatly close the door behind.
d. Slam your hand on the wheelchair symbol to make the door open automatically, watching it smash the face of an oncoming person as you walk on through.
- You decide to take the night off and go to a movie. What do you see?
a. A comedy, maybe sci-fi or horror.
b Dramas. Don’t forget the kleenex-box.
c.I’ll see anything with Pauley Shore! I must have seen ‘Bio-Dome’ twenty-three times!
d. John Woo flicks.
- When getting up in the morning, do you…
a. Wake up right at 7:00 A.M. and sing merrily in the shower!
b. Look at the time, hit the snooze alarm, roll over, and then get kicked out of bed by your mate.
c. Get up, fall asleep in the shower, go to breakfast, fall face-first into your cereal, go outside, fall asleep in your car, drive to work/school, snore loudly.
d. Wonder whose house you’re at and how you came to be wearing that sailor suit.
- What is your favorite color?
c. Why pink, of course, it’s the same color as my house!
d. Black. All of my clothes are black. My hair is dyed black. I wear black lipstick and listen to The Cure all day. Death is my favorite character from Sandman.
- You’re going to the Zoo. What do you visit?
a. Lions, tigers, giraffes, that sort of thing.
b. The reptile house to see if maybe they’ll let me hold the snakes.
c. To the monkeys and apes so I can gain information to disprove those awful Darwinists! I also have a Jesus Fish on my car.
d. Back to my cage to see if any of my stuff is still there. I say hi to the new tenants.
- It’s dinner time and you’re hungry. What do you eat?
a. A hamburger, fries, maybe a soda.
b. A nice lobster or steak dinner, some salad.
c. A Spamwich between two rice cakes, and some plain yogurt for flavor. Mmm-mmm good!
d. Well, first I have the Hunt. I don an antler helmet and strip down to a loincloth, and then gather my friends and release an animal in the house. We then proceed to chase it with spears and high-powered rifles, eventually cornering it and gutting it in little Timmy’s room. We then stick its head on a pig-pole and dance around the room wildly singing war chants.
- What is your political affiliation?
c. I, uh, think that Perot is really great, and, uh, has a real chance to win this year! Yeah! Really!
d. I agree with Lyndon H. LaRouche Jr.’s policy to shoot Jane Fonda with a laser beam from space.
- What section of the newspaper do you read first?
a. The comics or sports page.
b. The front page. News is important.
c. I don’t read the newspaper, cuz I get all the information I need from Oprah and Ricki.
d. The obituaries. I like to make sure I’m not listed.
- You look outside and discover today’s your favorite weather. Is it…
a. A nice warm day, not to hot, perfect for outdoor activity.
b. A dark wet rainstorm, great for atmosphere.
c. Why, I LO-OVE the sun and HA-ATE the rain. It’s so nasty and gloomy, and Mr. Sun allows me to go to the beach and sunbathe in my 3-sizes-too-small bikini! Tee-hee!
d. Tornados, lightning storms, and earthquakes where giant cracks open in the ground.
- You’re going to a concert. What do you choose?
a. Some rock or rap group. Creed.
b. Light rock, like Maria Carey.
c. Why, Top 40 of course! Taylor Swift is the greatest thing since breakfast cereal!
- What was your response to the O.J. verdict?
a. Anger! He was clearly guilty, damn it!
b. Well, the jury heard the evidence and acquitted him, so what can you do?
c. I sure hope he finds the real killers.
d. Well, the thing is, O.J. actually IS innocent. What do you mean, how do I know? Uh, no reason.
- What is your Purity Test score?
a. 90-75. It was funny.
b. 75-50. I’m hoping to lower it real soon.
c. My what?
d. I use the locale and group relations sections to come up with new ideas and things to try. Why? What was your score?
- You wake up on the thirteenth and fall out of bed, smashing a mirror. You spill salt on yourself at breakfast, and as you walk out the door a black cat crosses your path. You enter into work walking under a ladder, causing the guy on it to fall off. As you make your way through the hallways everyone
seems to look at you with sadness or averts their gaze. When you reach your desk you find a note pinned to it saying your boss wants to see you. Do you…
a. Cross your fingers and hope for the best.
b. Go on in and get fired.
c. Walk in and say ‘Hi, Dad!’
d. Wonder how you suddenly came to work in an office when you’ve been spending the last five years on a mountain in Tibet worshipping a yak named ‘ANZEL’.
- You’re in a movie theater slurping away on an extra-large soda, munching on artificially-flavored popcorn when you suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Do you…
a. Get up and move to the bathroom as quickly you can.
b. Hold it in.
c. Hold it in for as long as you can, pressing your knees together, finally getting up at the most dramatic moment of the movie to clamber past annoyed movie-goers, stepping on toes, finally reaching the bathroom and then not have to go anymore.
d. What do you think those popcorn buckets are for?
- They want to make English the national language of the United States. What’s your opinion?
a. It’s unfair to immigrants and it’s good when we’re exposed to other cultures.
b. I guess it’s O.K. I really don’t see it as that big of an issue.
c. Well, by golly, it’s gosh-durn time! All then damn foreigners have been corrupting our youths with their twisted ways, and it’s about time we did something! If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me!
d. They are fools all. The national language of the country should be Esperanto.
- Your mate comes to you and announces they have been confused lately and no longer love you and from now on can only be with members of their own sex. Do you…
a. Plead with them to reconsider.
b. Look shocked and break up immediately.
c. Say – ‘Well, if you want to live in a nunnery or monastery, I guess that’s your own thing.’
d. Ask what they have against hermaphrodites.
- A passerby glances at your bookcase and gets a look at the contents. What does he see?
a. The latest Stephen King novel, some Danielle Steele, maybe a Fox Trot collection.
b. Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton, The Works of Shakespeare.
c. ‘The Wit and Wisdom of Rush Limbaugh’
d. Naked Lunch, The Illuminatus Trilogy, The Book of Lies
- You’re driving down the street at 50 MPH when the traffic light suddenly turns yellow. Do you…
a. Put the pedal to the metal and speed through.
b. Hit the brakes.
c. Start to go through, realize you’re not going to make it, slam on the brakes, screech to an agonizing halt, end up in the middle of the intersection (looking like a fool, I might add), meekly make your way past the rest with your tail between your legs.
d. Flip on your homemade infrared siren and make the light change to green.
- Where do you see yourself at age eighty?
a. Living with my spouse in a beautiful blue house with a white picket fence and a bunch of pink flamingos.
b. In a rest home using a walker or wheelchair.
c. Why, I’m going to live with my son and his wife and sleep between them in their bed every night!
d. A head in a jar as the twelfth victim of the ‘Reaver-Cleaver’.
- It’s the end of the world. An atomic blast has just leveled the cities and the horizon is encompassed in flames. Mutants walk the streets and black
ash and rubble cover all as the sky turns to red and the seas boil away. You’ve just seen your best friend torn to shreds and civilization as you know it is over. Do you…
a. Vow to someday rebuild society.
b. Double over in grief and despair and wait for a painful death.
c. Start a despotic government in which you are supreme ruler over a coalition of potato-farmers.
d. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
You probably have a lot from each, but add up the letters you got the most of and check the column below. Also remember to check the individual notes for specific personality traits.
- MOSTLY A’s: You are possibly quite optimistic, decisive, outgoing, ordinary or forward. You believe that ‘he who hesitates is lost’, and are probably quite light-hearted.
- MOSTLY B’s: You are possibly very serious, pessimistic, careful, intelligent or quiet. A ‘look before you leap’ kind of person. You may get depressed often.
- MOSTLY C’s: You are stupid, boring, indecisive, a conformist, naive and extremely pathetic. You have absolutely no chance of succeeding in life, and frankly, deserve to be taken out and shot.
- MOSTLY D’s: You’re a frickin’ freak! You’re a complete deviant and weirdo! Welcome to the club! We hold meetings on Thursdays.
- Question #1:
D. Isn’t that fun?
- Question #2:
C. You sad, sad person.
D. Wasn’t ‘The Killer’ great?
- Question #3:
A. I hate you.
D. And why doesn’t the damn sailor suit fit?
- Question #4:
C. This was my neighbor across the street.
D. Mine’s Dream.
- Question #5:
C. Do you sell any of those little religious comic books? (Somebody Goofed, Dank Dungeons, etc.)
D. Hope you’re house-broken.
- Question #6:
D. Is Piggy there? He’s got the conch!
- Question #7:
C. I’m in! No, I’m out! No…
D. Really? Me too.
- Question #8:
C. Don’t forget Charles Perez.
D. You might want to check Time’s Milestones column.
- Question #9:
B. Ain’t it?
C. Why do you emphasize certain words so much?
D. Try a trip to Beirut.
- Question #10:
D. Three extra points if you can recite the lyrics to ‘Satan Spawn’.
- Question #11:
D. Why don’t you sell your story to The Weekly World News?
- Question #12:
D. Call Me!
- Question #13:
D. Yes, and let’s not forget that ANZEL IS LOVE.
- Question #14:
C. Why do you come to every movie I go to?
D. Never sit next to me.
- Question #15:
C. Note the irony.
D. Like in The Stainless Steel Rat.
- Question #16:
C. Where they’ll live as one big happy family!
D. I see.
- Question #17:
C. Coming soon to a theater near you.
D. Don’t you love talking typewriters?
- Question #18:
C. This was my mother’s answer.
D. Really? Can you get me one?
- Question #19:
C. And they’ll love you for it!
D. I’m going to be number seven.
- Question #20:
C. Try Idaho. You’ll be great.
D. My deepest respects.
Well, there you have it, my all-new personality test! Written by respectable scientists! Supported by a bunch of Psychiatric Foundations whose names currently slip my memory. Nominated for three Peabody awards! And much, much more…
Do what this as you will, I just ask my name stays attached to it.
Copyright (c) 1996 by Neil Zawacki
- There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
- What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
- Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
- At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
- What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
- What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
- In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
- Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.” They are all common. Name two of them.
- There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
- Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers?”
- There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls — a walk — is one way. Name the other six.
- It’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
- How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?
- Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter “s.”
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS……
ANSWERS TO QUIZ
- Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every
- Asparagus and rhubarb.
- Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think, if you do not believe it, try it with your watch, it is only 10 times).
- The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
- Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
- Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
- In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.
- Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder’s choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
- If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn’t throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.
- Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
- Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the President of the United States.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart to see how it works.
- As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most?
c. Cherry bombs.
- When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips).
c. When he is your brother, you are Al Pacino, and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
- What about hugging another male?
a. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. Even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this man’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”
c. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
- He is legally within the basepath,
- Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
- You fraternally pound him hard enough on the back with your fist to cause fractures.
- Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to …
a. Remember the deceased and console the loved ones.
b. Reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. Tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.
- In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
- You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy — you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers — when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
- Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her — sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
- One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
b. “They’re in school already?”
c. “There are three of them?”
- When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely-connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody — and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife — is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
- What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
- What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
c. Remote control.