How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?
QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself (don’t ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you. You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?
British Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man’s human rights.
Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?
Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
Am I dressed provocatively ?
Could I run away ?
Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?
Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
Canadian Police Officer:
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
Glasgow Police Officer:
“Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!”
Remember when our grandparents, great-grandparents, and such stated that they only had an 8th-grade education? Well, check this out! Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 Salina, KS, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS and reprinted by the Salina Journal. If you want more information or the answers to this test, please visit the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society’s website
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS – 1895
Grammar (Time, one hour)
Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
Define Case. Illustrate each Case.
What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 ft. long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. a bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month and have $104 for incidentals?
Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
What is the cost of 40 boards, 12 inches wide and 16 feet long at $20 per meter?
Find the bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
Show the territorial growth of the United States.
Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour)
What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
What are elementary sounds? How are they classified?
What are the following and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
Give four substitutes for caret ‘u’.
Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e’. Name two exceptions under each rule.
Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup
Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
Describe the mountains of North America.
Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.
Gives the saying of an early 20th century person that “she/he only had an 8th grade education” a whole new meaning, eh?
Enjoy this test, sometimes called the Dr. Phil Test (who has no personality test). It is as reliable as a fortune cookie, but still good for a laugh. Don’t peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now… not who you were in the past. It’s only 10 simple questions, so… Grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.
When do you feel your best?
a. in the morning
b. during the afternoon & early evening
c. late at night
You usually walk…
a. fairly fast, with long steps
b. fairly fast, with short, quick steps
c. less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d. less fast, head down
e. very slowly
When talking to people you…
a. stand with your arms folded
b. have your hands clasped
c. have one or both your hands on your hips
d. touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e. play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
When relaxing, you sit with…
a. your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b. your legs crossed
c. your legs stretched out or straight
d. one leg curled under you
When something really amuses you, you react with…
a. a big, appreciative laugh
b. a laugh, but not a loud one
c. a quiet chuckle
d. a sheepish smile
When you go to a party or social gathering you…
a. make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b. make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c. make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
You’re working very hard, concentrating hard, and you’re interrupted. Do you…
a. welcome the break
b. feel extremely irritated
c. vary between these two extremes
Which of the following colors do you like most?
a. red or orange
c. yellow or light blue
e. dark blue or purple
g. brown or gray
When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie…
a. stretched out on your back
b. stretched out face down on your stomach
c. on your side, slightly curled
d. with your head on one arm
e. with your head under the covers
You often dream that you are…
b. fighting or struggling
c. searching for something or somebody
d. flying or floating
e. you usually have dreamless sleep
f. your dreams are always pleasant
a=2, b=4, c=6
a=6, b=4, c=7, d=2, e=1
a=4, b=2, c=5, d=7, e=6
a=4, b=6, c=2, d=1
a=6, b=4, c=3, d=5, e=2
a=6, b=4, c=2
a=6, b=2, c=4
a=6, b=7, c=5, d=4, e=3, f=2, g=1
a=7, b=6, c=4, d=2, e=1
a=4, b=2, c=3, d=5, e=6, f=1
Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should “handle with care” You’re seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don’t always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who’s quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who’s constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who’ll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest… Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who’s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It’d really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn’t want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don’t exist. Some people think you’re boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren’t.
This is a little game that has a pretty funny/creepy outcome. Don’t read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 1 minute…Total!
First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
Then, beside the first and second numbers, fill in any two numbers you want.
Beside the 3rd and 7th numbers, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.
Don’t look ahead …. or it won’t turn out right !
Write anyone’s name (like friends or family…) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots.
Don’t cheat or you’ll be upset that you did … this is interesting!
Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11.
Finally, make a wish…..
And here is the key for that game….
You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game in (the number in space 1) days in order to make your wish come true.
The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
The person in 7 is one you like but can’t work out.
You care most about the person you put in 4.
The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.
The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.
The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3.
The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.
And 11 is the song telling how you feel about sex!
Well, I’ve decided to write a personality quiz to help people determine what kind of person they are. This was inspired by the old ‘The Far Side’ cartoon about the four different personality types:
The glass is half full!
The glass is half empty.
Half full! No, half empty! Wait, what was the question again?
Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger!
So grab a #2 pencil and piece of paper and get ready for…
The All-New All-True Absolutely Foolproof People Personality Test
When walking through a door, do you…
a. Open the door, hold it open for the next person, and then walk right on through.
b. Open the door and walk right on through, ignoring whoever’s behind you.
c. Open the door, hold it open, wait for everybody nearby to walk on through, look around for anyone else, neatly close the door behind.
d. Slam your hand on the wheelchair symbol to make the door open automatically, watching it smash the face of an oncoming person as you walk on through.
You decide to take the night off and go to a movie. What do you see?
a. A comedy, maybe sci-fi or horror.
b Dramas. Don’t forget the kleenex-box.
c.I’ll see anything with Pauley Shore! I must have seen ‘Bio-Dome’ twenty-three times!
d. John Woo flicks.
When getting up in the morning, do you…
a. Wake up right at 7:00 A.M. and sing merrily in the shower!
b. Look at the time, hit the snooze alarm, roll over, and then get kicked out of bed by your mate.
c. Get up, fall asleep in the shower, go to breakfast, fall face-first into your cereal, go outside, fall asleep in your car, drive to work/school, snore loudly.
d. Wonder whose house you’re at and how you came to be wearing that sailor suit.
What is your favorite color?
c. Why pink, of course, it’s the same color as my house!
d. Black. All of my clothes are black. My hair is dyed black. I wear black lipstick and listen to The Cure all day. Death is my favorite character from Sandman.
You’re going to the Zoo. What do you visit?
a. Lions, tigers, giraffes, that sort of thing.
b. The reptile house to see if maybe they’ll let me hold the snakes.
c. To the monkeys and apes so I can gain information to disprove those awful Darwinists! I also have a Jesus Fish on my car.
d. Back to my cage to see if any of my stuff is still there. I say hi to the new tenants.
It’s dinner time and you’re hungry. What do you eat?
a. A hamburger, fries, maybe a soda.
b. A nice lobster or steak dinner, some salad.
c. A Spamwich between two rice cakes, and some plain yogurt for flavor. Mmm-mmm good!
d. Well, first I have the Hunt. I don an antler helmet and strip down to a loincloth, and then gather my friends and release an animal in the house. We then proceed to chase it with spears and high-powered rifles, eventually cornering it and gutting it in little Timmy’s room. We then stick its head on a pig-pole and dance around the room wildly singing war chants.
What is your political affiliation?
c. I, uh, think that Perot is really great, and, uh, has a real chance to win this year! Yeah! Really!
d. I agree with Lyndon H. LaRouche Jr.’s policy to shoot Jane Fonda with a laser beam from space.
What section of the newspaper do you read first?
a. The comics or sports page.
b. The front page. News is important.
c. I don’t read the newspaper, cuz I get all the information I need from Oprah and Ricki.
d. The obituaries. I like to make sure I’m not listed.
You look outside and discover today’s your favorite weather. Is it…
a. A nice warm day, not to hot, perfect for outdoor activity.
b. A dark wet rainstorm, great for atmosphere.
c. Why, I LO-OVE the sun and HA-ATE the rain. It’s so nasty and gloomy, and Mr. Sun allows me to go to the beach and sunbathe in my 3-sizes-too-small bikini! Tee-hee!
d. Tornados, lightning storms, and earthquakes where giant cracks open in the ground.
You’re going to a concert. What do you choose?
a. Some rock or rap group. Creed.
b. Light rock, like Maria Carey.
c. Why, Top 40 of course! Taylor Swift is the greatest thing since breakfast cereal!
What was your response to the O.J. verdict?
a. Anger! He was clearly guilty, damn it!
b. Well, the jury heard the evidence and acquitted him, so what can you do?
c. I sure hope he finds the real killers.
d. Well, the thing is, O.J. actually IS innocent. What do you mean, how do I know? Uh, no reason.
What is your Purity Test score?
a. 90-75. It was funny.
b. 75-50. I’m hoping to lower it real soon.
c. My what?
d. I use the locale and group relations sections to come up with new ideas and things to try. Why? What was your score?
You wake up on the thirteenth and fall out of bed, smashing a mirror. You spill salt on yourself at breakfast, and as you walk out the door a black cat crosses your path. You enter into work walking under a ladder, causing the guy on it to fall off. As you make your way through the hallways everyone
seems to look at you with sadness or averts their gaze. When you reach your desk you find a note pinned to it saying your boss wants to see you. Do you…
a. Cross your fingers and hope for the best.
b. Go on in and get fired.
c. Walk in and say ‘Hi, Dad!’
d. Wonder how you suddenly came to work in an office when you’ve been spending the last five years on a mountain in Tibet worshipping a yak named ‘ANZEL’.
You’re in a movie theater slurping away on an extra-large soda, munching on artificially-flavored popcorn when you suddenly have to go to the bathroom. Do you…
a. Get up and move to the bathroom as quickly you can.
b. Hold it in.
c. Hold it in for as long as you can, pressing your knees together, finally getting up at the most dramatic moment of the movie to clamber past annoyed movie-goers, stepping on toes, finally reaching the bathroom and then not have to go anymore.
d. What do you think those popcorn buckets are for?
They want to make English the national language of the United States. What’s your opinion?
a. It’s unfair to immigrants and it’s good when we’re exposed to other cultures.
b. I guess it’s O.K. I really don’t see it as that big of an issue.
c. Well, by golly, it’s gosh-durn time! All then damn foreigners have been corrupting our youths with their twisted ways, and it’s about time we did something! If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me!
d. They are fools all. The national language of the country should be Esperanto.
Your mate comes to you and announces they have been confused lately and no longer love you and from now on can only be with members of their own sex. Do you…
a. Plead with them to reconsider.
b. Look shocked and break up immediately.
c. Say – ‘Well, if you want to live in a nunnery or monastery, I guess that’s your own thing.’
d. Ask what they have against hermaphrodites.
A passerby glances at your bookcase and gets a look at the contents. What does he see?
a. The latest Stephen King novel, some Danielle Steele, maybe a Fox Trot collection.
b. Tom Clancy, Michael Crichton, The Works of Shakespeare.
c. ‘The Wit and Wisdom of Rush Limbaugh’
d. Naked Lunch, The Illuminatus Trilogy, The Book of Lies
You’re driving down the street at 50 MPH when the traffic light suddenly turns yellow. Do you…
a. Put the pedal to the metal and speed through.
b. Hit the brakes.
c. Start to go through, realize you’re not going to make it, slam on the brakes, screech to an agonizing halt, end up in the middle of the intersection (looking like a fool, I might add), meekly make your way past the rest with your tail between your legs.
d. Flip on your homemade infrared siren and make the light change to green.
Where do you see yourself at age eighty?
a. Living with my spouse in a beautiful blue house with a white picket fence and a bunch of pink flamingos.
b. In a rest home using a walker or wheelchair.
c. Why, I’m going to live with my son and his wife and sleep between them in their bed every night!
d. A head in a jar as the twelfth victim of the ‘Reaver-Cleaver’.
It’s the end of the world. An atomic blast has just leveled the cities and the horizon is encompassed in flames. Mutants walk the streets and black
ash and rubble cover all as the sky turns to red and the seas boil away. You’ve just seen your best friend torn to shreds and civilization as you know it is over. Do you…
a. Vow to someday rebuild society.
b. Double over in grief and despair and wait for a painful death.
c. Start a despotic government in which you are supreme ruler over a coalition of potato-farmers.
d. Congratulate yourself on a job well done.
You probably have a lot from each, but add up the letters you got the most of and check the column below. Also remember to check the individual notes for specific personality traits.
MOSTLY A’s: You are possibly quite optimistic, decisive, outgoing, ordinary or forward. You believe that ‘he who hesitates is lost’, and are probably quite light-hearted.
MOSTLY B’s: You are possibly very serious, pessimistic, careful, intelligent or quiet. A ‘look before you leap’ kind of person. You may get depressed often.
MOSTLY C’s: You are stupid, boring, indecisive, a conformist, naive and extremely pathetic. You have absolutely no chance of succeeding in life, and frankly, deserve to be taken out and shot.
MOSTLY D’s: You’re a frickin’ freak! You’re a complete deviant and weirdo! Welcome to the club! We hold meetings on Thursdays.
D. Isn’t that fun?
C. You sad, sad person.
D. Wasn’t ‘The Killer’ great?
A. I hate you.
D. And why doesn’t the damn sailor suit fit?
C. This was my neighbor across the street.
D. Mine’s Dream.
C. Do you sell any of those little religious comic books? (Somebody Goofed, Dank Dungeons, etc.)
D. Hope you’re house-broken.
D. Is Piggy there? He’s got the conch!
C. I’m in! No, I’m out! No…
D. Really? Me too.
C. Don’t forget Charles Perez.
D. You might want to check Time’s Milestones column.
B. Ain’t it?
C. Why do you emphasize certain words so much?
D. Try a trip to Beirut.
D. Three extra points if you can recite the lyrics to ‘Satan Spawn’.
D. Why don’t you sell your story to The Weekly World News?
D. Call Me!
D. Yes, and let’s not forget that ANZEL IS LOVE.
C. Why do you come to every movie I go to?
D. Never sit next to me.
C. Note the irony.
D. Like in The Stainless Steel Rat.
C. Where they’ll live as one big happy family!
D. I see.
C. Coming soon to a theater near you.
D. Don’t you love talking typewriters?
C. This was my mother’s answer.
D. Really? Can you get me one?
C. And they’ll love you for it!
D. I’m going to be number seven.
C. Try Idaho. You’ll be great.
D. My deepest respects.
Well, there you have it, my all-new personality test! Written by respectable scientists! Supported by a bunch of Psychiatric Foundations whose names currently slip my memory. Nominated for three Peabody awards! And much, much more…
Do what this as you will, I just ask my name stays attached to it.
How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.
How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?
A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?
Which would you rather have, a trunk full of nickels or a trunk half full of dimes?
Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?
In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?
If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?
How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and — without hitting a wall or any other obstruction — have the ball stop and come right back to you?
According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?
Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:
Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.
There are twelve (not four).
Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!
Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!
If they put them all together, there will be one pile.
There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.” They are all common. Name two of them.
There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers?”
There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls — a walk — is one way. Name the other six.
It’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?
Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter “s.”
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS……
ANSWERS TO QUIZ
Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every
Asparagus and rhubarb.
Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think, if you do not believe it, try it with your watch, it is only 10 times).
The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.
Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder’s choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn’t throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.
How are hurricane’s names selected?
a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air
b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people
c. Page 824 in Miami’s phone book
d. Hurricanes don’t care what you call them
What do they call the most severe hurricane?
a. Category 5
b. Red Alert
d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would they meet?
a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris
b. Never, Isabel doesn’t want to have anything to do with a blowhard like Guido
c. Never, Guido said that there’s no place for Isabel to stop and ask directions; she’ll probably end up in Rio
d. Trick question – hurricanes don’t depart from Key West
You’re flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see a hurricane directly ahead. What’s the first thing that enters your mind?
a. It’s got the right of way! It’s got the right of way!
b. This is the last time I fly no-frills
c. I can’t believe she’s going to get EVERYTHING now!
d. I gotta change my shorts!
e. The windshield
A hurricane is dangerous if…
a. you get in it’s way
b. it’s had a REALLY bad day
c. you try to stop it to ask directions
d. you do not yield right of way
How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming?
a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address
b. They have REALLY good binoculars
c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach
d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings
How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane?
a. Sell it – QUICK
b. Bury it and dig it up later
c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it’s a big bush
d. Two words — Duct tape
What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed to be heading in your direction?
a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party
b. Air drop a roadmap, of another area, into the eye
c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal
d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building
What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming?
a. Begin those remodeling plans you’ve been putting off
b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash)
c. Cancel your homeowner’s insurance
d. Go on a picnic and/or to the beach
When is it a good time to evacuate your home?
a. When the water level reaches the roof
b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne
c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO
d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls
Where should you evacuate?
a. a nearby lowland to wait out the floods
b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or one of Florida’s many mountain tops
c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies
d. Out to sea on a small craft
Why should you NOT stay close to the beach?
a. All the best spots are probably taken
b. Track in too much sand
c. Cooler keeps blownin’ away
d. Hard to stay put under the 50′ waves
If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not…
a. stare; it’s impolite
b. make direct eye contact
c. offer it some Visine
d- ask if it’s seen Dorothy and Toto
What happens after the eye passes?
a. Stay very still; maybe it didn’t see you
b. It can’t see you any more
c. You can expect a large nose, followed by the mouth, etc.
d. It winks and waves good-bye
What should you do first after a hurricane passes?
a. Locate your computer
b. Determine if your computer is operational
c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer
d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to your computer
Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane?
a. Local government (also blown away)
b. State government (can’t afford to help)
c. Federal government (doesn’t care)
d- Foreign governments (the Japanese are looking for investments)
What services should you expect to be without, after a hurricane?
a. Electricity (no cold beer)
b. Telephone (no modem)
c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!)
d. Callgirls (prey the rebuilding begins soon)
What happens a year after you’re hit by a hurricane?
a. Still looking for pieces of your house
b. Still looking for pieces of your computer
c. Still looking for pieces of yourself
d. The government sees you’ve started rebuilding; concludes you need no emergency help
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the President of the United States.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart to see how it works.
As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most?
c. Cherry bombs.
When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips).
c. When he is your brother, you are Al Pacino, and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
What about hugging another male?
a. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. Even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this man’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”
c. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
He is legally within the basepath,
Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
You fraternally pound him hard enough on the back with your fist to cause fractures.
Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to …
a. Remember the deceased and console the loved ones.
b. Reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. Tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.
In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy — you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers — when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her — sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
b. “They’re in school already?”
c. “There are three of them?”
When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely-connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody — and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife — is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?