Actual English Subtitles

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

  • I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
  • Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
  • Gun wounds again?
  • Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
  • A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
  • Darn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
  • Take my advice, or I’ll spank you.
  • Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
  • This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
  • Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
  • I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
  • You daring lousy guy.
  • Beat him out of recognizable shape!
  • Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
  • I have been scared silly too much lately.
  • I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
  • Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
  • The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
  • How can you use my intestines as a gift?
  • Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
  • You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

Your Starship Captain Might Be a Cajun If…

  • All security personnel are required to wear coon skin caps.
  • He keeps referring to the shuttlecraft as a pirouge.
  • There’s an LSU bumper sticker on a warp necelle that says “Geaux Tigers.”
  • His favorite Holodeck program is called “tho’ down at de fais do do.”
  • Every time you dock at a Star Base, he asks to see the “Cock o’ de Walk.”
  • He programs the replicator for Boudin.
  • He calls the phasers “scatter-guns.”
  • He calls photon torpedoes “slugs.”
  • He refers to Klingons as Catfish.
  • His hand phaser is shaped like a Bowie Knife.
  • He loves Klingon food.
  • He refers to Romulan Ale as Stromberry Wine.
  • His ready room has a porch.
  • His Science Officer’s name is Gaston.
  • The Red Alert alarm sounds like an accordian.
  • He refers to the Romulan Web as a “Gill Net.”
  • The main computer password is “show me your tits.”
  • He thinks “Q” is from Arkansas.
  • He signals Red Alert by saying “Sacre!”
  • He has twenty-seven girlfriends throughout the Galaxy, and they’re all named Marie.
  • When he fights a Klingon Warbird, the first thing he does is shine a spotlight in their eyes.

Rules for Surviving a Horror Movie

  • When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.
  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
  • Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.
  • As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  • If you’re searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it’s not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  • No alcohol or partying! These activities will surely seal your fate.
  • If you find a town that is deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  • Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.
  • Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  • If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

Redneck Horror Movies

  • Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart
  • Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo
  • Ah Seen What Y’all Done Last Summer
  • The Creature From Clint Black’s Spittoon
  • Don’t Tell Me You Love Me if You’re Gnawing Off My Leg
  • Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin’, Neiman Marcus Suit-Wearin’ Zombies
  • Jurassic Trailer Park
  • Something Twangy This Way Comes
  • Psychoklahoma
  • The Hounddog of the Baskervilles
  • All My Axes are in My Exes
  • Throw Momma from Shania Twain
  • The Expectorist
  • She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It

Austin Powers Pick-up Lines from “Gold Member”

  • I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
  • (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of those wet clothes.
  • Nice legs… What time do they open?
  • Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
  • You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
  • Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  • I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
  • I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
  • I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
  • Wanna play army? I’ll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
  • I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
  • You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
  • You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
  • I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
  • If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
  • (Look down at your crotch) Well, it’s not just going to suck itself.
  • You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
  • You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
  • Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
  • My name is ( )…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  • Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
  • I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
  • Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
  • Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?

Vader Strikes Back

There’s going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1…

The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition

INT: BESPIN GANTRY – MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke’s hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

  • Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
  • Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
  • Darth Vader: No… I am your father!
  • Luke: No, it’s not true! It’s impossible.
  • Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…
  • Luke: NO!
  • Darth Vader: Yes, it is true… and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
  • Luke: Threepio?
  • Darth Vader: Yes… Threepio… I built him… when I was 7 years old…
  • Luke: No…
  • Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…
  • Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
  • Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
  • Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…
  • Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… “Poor me… my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… waahhh wahhh!”
  • Luke: Shut up…
  • Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
  • Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon
  • Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor… 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open… Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… right here, baby!
  • {Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.}
  • Darth Vader: I was wrong… You’re not my kid… I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine…
  • {Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.}
  • {Darth Vader looks after him.}
  • Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

New Gadgets Used by James Bond

  • Condom that doubles as a self-inflating hot-air balloon (with reservoir tip)
  • “The Cartman” — an anal probe that facilitates otherwise impossible ski moves
  • Palm Pilot with porn pictures to distract bad guys
  • Condom coated with truth serum
  • Can of whoop-ass disguised as a Diet Coke
  • Miniature caulking gun for holes in the plot
  • Giant foam hand that says “British Secret Service #1!”
  • Viagra Martini: for when he’s shaken, not stirred
  • Really grippy pliers
  • Cool British sports car that — get this — actually *runs*!
  • Whatever it is, I bet a cheap plastic replica of it will fit in a Happy Meal.

Things We Now Know From Films

  • You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
  • If someone says, “I’ll be right back.” they won’t.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
  • A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.
  • Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  • When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Signs You’re Watching a Low-Budget Movie

  • Most of the special effects involve Legos.
  • View out the spaceship “window” looks an awful lot like your screen saver.
  • Flushing sounds heard before waterfall scenes.
  • Big chase scene marred by Hot WheelTM trestle failure.
  • Something tells you that “Star Wars Episode II: Porky’s Revenge” isn’t a George Lucas production.
  • Sociopathic slasher’s weapon of choice: grapefruit spoon.
  • That “LOW BATT” you see isn’t a subtitle.
  • Hard to believe an International Superspy would drive a Gremlin.
  • “Computer generated characters” are created by combining a colon and parentheses.
  • The boom mike is in so many shots, it gets over-the-title billing.
  • During the dramatic shot of the ocean liner sinking, you can clearly see a gigantic bar of Ivory Soap in the background.
  • Either that’s a zipper or Godzilla has had a vasectomy.
  • “Starring Tae Bo master Billy Blanks as Nelson Mandela.”
  • That “alien monster” looks suspiciously like someone’s genitalia.