Mom’s Laundry Rules

  • Pajamas
    Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be worn many times before they smell bad enough to warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes.

    Exception: You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw up on them or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only if they stink.

  • Socks
    Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and drying them in their original rolled up little balls.

    Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down the laundry chute. If you don’t, the law of physics causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind the washer or drying, and Mom is getting to old to crawl back there and fish them out.

  • Clothes Hung Up
    Clean clothes can be easily removed from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring hangers.

    Special note: This makes Mom want to choke children. So far, she has been able to refrain from this action.

  • Dirty Clothes Rule
    If you have made the decision to put something in the dirty clothes, do not later decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of devastation in its wake.

    Special note: The only thing worse than having to put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and over.

  • Pockets
    Check your own pockets before you put dirty items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No? I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will have the pleasure of this experience.

    Special note: In the future, all money found in pockets becomes the property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has heard that you don’t have to do laundry while you are on a cruise!

  • Folded Clothes Rule
    When those clean clothes miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY!

    Special note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a generous contribution to the Goodwill.

  • General Dirty Clothes Rule
    If they aren’t dirty, why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try something on and decide that it will not make the fashion statement you were looking for that particular day, think twice before you make that conscious decision that it is easier to throw the item in the dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again, the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
  • Laundry Sharing
    In the future, each of you will be required to do one load of laundry a week. Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy of this household chore should be shared, and she has been very selfish about this in the past. She also feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would not be in the best interest of your parents.

Note – Rules may be added or modified at any time by Mom.

I, (sign your name) __________________________________ agree to abide by the above rules, as I actually have no choice in the matter and do not wish to further anger my mother.


You Know You’re a Mom When…

  • Your feet stick to the kitchen floor…and you don’t care.
  • When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.
  • You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
  • You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
  • Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.
  • Popsicles become a food staple.
  • Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
  • Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
  • You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
  • Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your’re too busy to wash it off.
  • Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, ect. and you think it’s funny.
  • You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
  • Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
  • You’re up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet…you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
  • In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
  • You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
  • The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.

The Wallpaper

A weary mother returned from the store,
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

“While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It’s on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you’d be mad at having to do it again.”

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
“Where is your little brother right now?”
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,
She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

She called his full name as she entered his room.
He trembled with fear–he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.

Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
It said, “I love Mommy,” surrounded by a heart.

Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,
With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.

‘Twas The Night Before Christmas…Mom Style

Twas the night before Christmas,
when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring,
and she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping,
all snug in their beds,
while visions of N-64 and Barbie,
flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, “Now what is the matter?”

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a
shrug, “Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”

“Ho Ho Ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “So, I’ve made you a clone.”

“A clone?” she muttered, “What good is that?”
“Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit chat.”
Then out walked the clone – The mother’s twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.

“She’ll cook, she’ll dust, she’ll mop every mess.
You’ll relax, take it easy, watch The Young and The Restless.”
“Fantastic!” the mom cheered. “My dream has come true!”
“I’ll shop, I’ll read, I’ll sleep a night through!”

From the room above, the youngest did fret.
“Mommy?! Come quickly, I’m scared and I’m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She sure knows her part.”

The clone changed the small one and hummed her tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled and sighed, “And I love you, too.”

The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s LOVE she is trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”

The mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed.
“Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
when they’ll be too old for my cradle and song.”

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right.”

Sometimes we need reminding of what life is all about. Especially at times during the Holiday season, when all we seem to do is clean and bake and shop and and and and and and and….You get the picture, I’m sure. So stop for a moment and hug that little one so special, whether he/she is 2 months or 22 years, or even older than that.

For they are the Gift that God gave us in life…and what a gift to be treasured, far above any other!

May the real meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas be with you all this year.

Things a Mother Would Never Say

  • “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
  • “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
  • “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery”
  • “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week”
  • “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”
  • “Well, if Timmy’s Mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”
  • “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”
  • “I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve”
  • “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve”

More of What My Mother Taught Me

  • My Mother taught me LOGIC…
    “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
  • My Mother taught me MEDICINE…
    “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
  • My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…
    “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
  • My Mother taught me ESP…
    “Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
  • My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…
    “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
  • My Mother taught me HUMOR…
    “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  • My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
    “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
  • My mother taught me ABOUT SEX…
    “How do you think you got here?”
  • My mother taught me about GENETICS…
    “You are just like your father!”
  • My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
    “Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  • My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…
    “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
  • My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
    “Just wait until your father gets home.”
  • My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
    “You are going to get it when we get home.”
  • And my all time favorite thing – JUSTICE…
    “One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see what it’s like.”

My Mother Taught Me…

  • My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
    “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
  • My mother taught me RELIGION
    “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  • My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
    “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • My mother taught me LOGIC
    “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  • My mother taught me FORESIGHT
    “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • My mother taught me IRONY
    “Keep laughing and I’ll ‘give’ you something to cry about.”
  • My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
    “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
  • My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
    “Will you ‘look’ at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • My mother taught me about STAMINA
    “You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”
  • My mother taught me about WEATHER
    “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”
  • My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
    “If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
  • My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
    “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t exaggerate!!!”
  • My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
    “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  • My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
    “Stop acting like your father!”
  • My mother taught me about ENVY
    “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

Mother Says

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here’s just a small sampling:

  • PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!”
  • MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”
  • MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”
  • HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”
  • COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”
  • BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: “Babe, how many times have I told you — quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken
    window this week!”
  • MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
  • NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”
  • CUSTER’S MOTHER: “Now, George, remember what I told you — don’t go biting off more than you can chew!”
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
  • BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.”
  • MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”
  • BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”
  • GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”
  • LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”
  • ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”
  • GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
  • JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”
  • SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”
  • THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

You Know You’re A Mom When… Part 2

  • You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.
  • You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
  • You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
  • Your kid throws up and you catch it.
  • Someone else’s kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
  • You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
  • You’ve mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
  • Your child insists that you read “Once Upon a Potty” out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
  • You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
  • You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it’s the only one your child eats.
  • You can’t bear the thought of your son’s first girlfriend.
  • You hate the thought of his wife even more.
  • You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into cute shapes.
  • You can’t bear to give away baby clothes – it’s so final.
  • You hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth when you say, “NOT in your good clothes!”
  • You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
  • You donate to charities in the hope that your child won’t get that disease.
  • You hire a sitter because you haven’t been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
  • You use your own saliva to clean your child’s face.
  • You say at least once a day, “I’m not cut out for this job”, but you know you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Mom’s Survival Tips

  • Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
  • Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you’re taking a shower.
  • When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your own good,” expect the worst.
  • The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.
  • If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it whole.
  • When a politician says, “let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually won’t.
  • You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.
  • If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into words,” he doesn’t know what he means.
  • Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.
  • Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can’t pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.