One Day in Heaven…

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He told them: “I need three important people to send my message out to all people:

“Tomorrow I will destroy the earth.”

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: “I have two really bad news items for you:

God really exists and
Tomorrow He will destroy the earth.”

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: “I have good news and bad news:

The GOOD news is that God really does exist
The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth.”

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: “I have two fantastic announcements:

I am one of the three most important people on earth.
The Year 2000 problem is solved.”

The 100GB Bug

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB bug. As most people know, McDonald’s restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB).

“Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald’s signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote.

So the signs have only two digits. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald’s signs will read ’00 Billion Burgers Sold’. This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald’s hamburgers have ever in fact been sold.

The Y1K Bug

An Article from a London Newspaper (circa 999 A.D.)
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.

An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called “Y1K Bug,” a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.

Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.

Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be rewritten to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.

“We should have seen it coming,” says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. “What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse — The Latin word for Thousand is Mille which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won’t know whether we are talking about time or distance!”

Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos. A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.

‘Twas The Night Before Y2K

‘Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol’ Bugsy
Wouldn’t stop there.

While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.

But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.

When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!

His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!

Go Intel! Go Gateway!
How HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!

All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!

All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sack full of virus,
Set for attack.

His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.

He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty shout,
Happy Y2K to you all,
This is a helluva night!

Millennium Year Application Software System

This email is to announce the development of a new software system which will be year 2000 compliant. The program is known as “Millennium Year Application Software System” (MYASS). Next Monday we will have a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.

We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I have never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterwards she admitted that it was relatively easy and she actually was looking forward to doing it again.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say “Here, stick this in MYASS.”

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond “Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.”

In fact, I’m sure everyone will be so thrilled with the program that they will just want to kiss MYASS.

Wishes For The New Century

  • May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
  • May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS.
  • May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.
  • May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
  • May you wake up on January 1 finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.
  • May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3 and find your account is in order, your money is still there, and any mistakes are in your favor.
  • May you ponder on January 4, “How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand?”
  • May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and may some of the promises made be kept.
  • May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and may those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.
  • May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
  • May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for your church and charities.
  • May you remember to say “I love you” at least once a day to your spouse, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor, but not with a “twinkle” in your eye.
  • May we live as intended, in a world at peace with the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower’s unfolding petals, every baby’s smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
  • And, may you forward this on to someone who could use a smile and a laugh to brighten their day.
  • Bless you with every happiness, great health peace, and much love during the next year and all those that follow.

Millennium Pie

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember how
Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make electrons dance,
And maybe I’d be happy for a while.

But January made me shiver,
it chilled me deep down in my liver,
Bad news I’d collected…
I couldn’t get connected.

I can’t remember back that day
When I first learned of Y2K
But something touched me anyway,
The day computers died.

So, …Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol’ boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

Can you write in C plus plus?
And do you have faith in your local bus
If the driver tells you so?
Do you believe in Compaq’s goals
Can software save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to type real slow?

Well I thought that you were prepared
‘Cause your memo said you weren’t impaired
Your stationery’s swell
But you can go to hell

I was a lonely teenage Unix hack
With an incantation and a modem jack
but I knew the cat had left the sack
The day computers died I started singin’…

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol’ boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

Now for 10 years we’ve ignored the threat
And we haven’t solved the problem yet
But that’s not how it used to be

When the luddites read for the king and queen
with a light they filled with kerosene
And some manuals they stole from you and me
And while Bill Gates was looking pleased
Time stole his monopolies
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned

While Apple tried a color scheme
The engineers returned to steam
And we had purges of their dreams
The day computers died We were singin’

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol’ boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
this will be the day I retire

Intel inside in an iron smelter
The food leftover from my fallout shelter
Twinkies old and aging fast
I’d rather eat the grass
Q and A tried for a system crash
With the tester on the sidelines in a cast
Now the timeshare net was running Doom
While mainframes played a marching tune
We all tried to log in
Oh, but we never could begin

‘Cause Cobol tried to take the field,
And Holerith refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day computers died?

We started singing Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was…..

Signs the Millennium Hype Has Gone Too Far

  • “2001 Dalmatians” just seems like overkill.
  • National Park Service just paid a consultant six figures to get Old Faithful Y2K compliant.
  • Dick Clark refuses to do the New Year’s show without a bazooka and a vat of boiling oil.
  • Millions converting to Judaism so this year is actually 5760 and they can skip all this nonsense.
  • New Charmin Y2Ply!
  • They’re printing new calendars and everything!
  • Safeway already advertising “January 2 Carnage-in-the-Streets Canned Food Sale.”
  • When people finally stoop to “Spam Hoarding”, everyone just stops and has a good long laugh.
  • You just saw an ad for Y2K-compliant pants.
  • Tired of talking about Y2K, the press begins to freak everyone outabout the upcoming “Groundhog Day Bug.”
  • You evicted your roommate so you’d have more space to store Vienna sausages.
  • Freeze-dried meals? Check. Bottled water? Check. Guns and ammo? Check. Frozen sperm for re-populating the world with my seed? Still working on it.

Unforeseen Consequences of the “Millennium Bug”

  • IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
  • “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” song gets stuck in infinite loop.
  • At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
  • Internet Movie Database now lists “1901: A Space Odyssey”
  • Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they’re off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
  • Bob Dole’s age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
  • Mel Brooks’s “2000 year old man” skit stops being funny… Oops, too late.
  • Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
  • Software engineers point out that since computers think it’s almost 1900, we technically have to “party like it’s 1899, which, frankly, doesn’t seem like much fun.
  • Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the “Gatesian” calendar.
  • Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
  • Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
  • Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
  • Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

Drinks of the New Millennium

  • Absolute Zero — Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
  • Alexander the Grrreat — Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
  • American in Paris — Kentucky bourbon and champagne
  • Black Sabbath — Kahlua and Mogen David wine
  • Blind Faith — Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
  • Blood Clot — Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
  • Bloody Awful — Vodka and ketchup
  • Blue Moon — Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
  • Coleman Cooler — White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
  • Fuzzy Naval Base — Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
  • George Bush — George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
  • Gorbachev — Vodka with a splash of port wine
  • Honeydew the Dishes — Midori and Dawn
  • Marie Antoinette — Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
  • Martinizer — Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
  • Mary Poppins — Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
  • Mexican Hairless — Tequila and Minoxidil
  • Oil of Ole — Mazola and Sangria
  • Peter, Paul, and Mary — Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
  • Phillips’ Screwdriver — Vodka, orange juice, and Milk of Magnesia
  • Port in a Storm — Red wine and rainwater
  • Quack Doctor — Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
  • A Rum with a View — Bacardi and Visine
  • Rum-Pole of the Bailey — Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey’s Irish Cream
  • Sake-to-me — Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
  • Scotch Tapeworm — Dewar’s and Mescal
  • Shipwreck — Cutty Sark on the rocks
  • Short Wave — Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
  • Sinead O’Connor — Irish whiskey and Nair
  • Skid Roe — Muscatel and caviar
  • Sour Kraut — Schnapps and lemon juice
  • Sundae Driver — Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
  • Tequila Mockingbird — Jose Cuervo and birdseed