How Many Church Members
Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Only one. Hands already in the air.
- Roman Catholics
None. They use candles.
Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a casserole.
None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
- The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
- Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
- Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
- 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
- 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
- 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
- 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
- 53 to flame the spell checkers.
- 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its appropriateness to this mail list.
- 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
- 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
- 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
- 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts**are** relevant to this mail list.
- 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
- 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
- 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
- 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
- 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”
- 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
- 19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
- 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
- 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
- 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
- 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.