Noah’s Ark 2011

Tis the year 2011 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: “In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. “Remember,” said the Lord, “you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. “Noah.” He shouted, “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

“The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft. Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”

“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”


New Security Measures for Los Alamos

To: All Staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy

Dear Staff Members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we’re being forced to tighten up just a bit.

Effective Monday:

  1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation’s nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in “the vault.” I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it’s a sad sign of the times.
  2. The three-letter security code for accessing “the vault” will no longer be “B-O-B.” To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don’t tell anybody.
  3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, “Hello, My Name Is . . . .”The stickers will be available at the front desk.
  4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as,, or Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
  5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men’s room walls.
  6. On “Bowling Night,” please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to “keep un eye on zem” for us.
  7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those “little weekend projects around the house.” That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
  8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for “recreational use.” We’ve not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year’s Eve. We’ll keep you posted.
  9. Employees may no longer “borrow” the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.
  10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn’t a part-time job-it’s an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!


Excising Florida

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state’s voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.

“This is the last straw,” said Utah senator Orin Hatch. “First Elian Gonzales, now this.”

Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.

“We’re all pretty much sick of Florida,” said representative Barney Frank. “They’ve been a constant embarrassment for too long now.” Added Frank, “They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that’s right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot.”

In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida’s sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. “These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military,” said the Senator to roaring applause.

As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. “It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed,” said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. “The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean – tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy.”

“Remember,” said Hastert, “every vote counts, especially if it’s counted by robots.”

Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.

“After that, they’re on their own,” said Hastert. “I hope they sink.”

Congress Embraces Internet Technology

Congress Embraces Internet Technology
In Campaign Finance Reform’s stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress’ overhaul of campaign financial law.

Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators’s choice to “name your own price” for Congressional influence. “This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians’ pockets.”

In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto and “name their own price” to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.

William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an “off-camera” remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, “This is going to be *big*, really *big*.”

Changes in California Under Governor Schwarzenegger

  • “Hooked on Accents” is implemented in school systems statewide.
  • Women’s buttocks must be minimally covered with a regular bikini bottom or Governor Arnold’s hand.
  • So many liberals flee the state that it actually lifts up out of the sea.
  • Swearing-in ceremony followed by an invitation-only executive-branch orgy.
  • Democrats suddenly develop a much deeper appreciation for the right to recall elected officials.
  • “Your incomes — give them to me.”
  • Gray Davis will be returned to the petrified forest from whence he came.
  • All female employees in the Statehouse are referred to as “Pat” and “Fanny.”
  • California Department of Food and Agriculture now classifies steroids as a vegetable.
  • As part of a “family first” agenda, he works to get dear ol’ Dad’s Nazi party back on the ballot.
  • The governor’s televised speeches have subtitles for those who speak Spanish and English.
  • Two words: flab tax
  • Statewide, the fourth Thursday in November is officially renamed “Danksgiffin.”
  • Not only kisses babies, but gropes their moms, too.

[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Your Tax Forms Explained

Enclosed is your 2014/2015 United States Internal Revenue service Tax Form 1040-ES OCR “Estimated Tax For Self-Employed Individuals.” You may use this form to estimate your 2014 fiscal year tax if:

  1. You are the head of a household and the sum of your spouse and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule 12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary Schedule 142C if pets are deceased but buried on your property)
  2. Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable) and you did not pay taxable interest on dividend income prior to 1903
  3. You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a “foreign” tax credit. (Warning: claiming for a foreign tax credit for a foreign “tax” credit, except where a foreign “tax credit” is involved, may result in a fine of $125,000 and 25 years imprisonment)
  4. You are not one of the following: married and filing jointly; married and not filing jointly; not married and not filing jointly; jointed but not filing; other.


Type out all answers in ink with a number two lead pencil. Do not cross anything out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not mis-spell “miscellaneous”. Write your name, address and social security number, and the name, address and social security number of your spouse and dependents, in full on each page twice. Do not put a tick in a box marked “cross” or a cross in a box marked “tick” unless it is your wish to do the whole thing again. Do not write “Search Me” in any blank spaces. Do not make anything up.

Complete sections 47 to 52 first then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order. Do not use this form if your total pensions and annuities disbursements were greater than your advanced earned income credits or vice versa.

Under “income”, list all wages, salaries, net foreign source taxable income, royalties, tips, gratuities, taxable interest, capital gains, air miles, pints paid on and money found down the back of the sofa. If your earnings are derived wholly, or partially but not primarily, or wholly and partially but not primarily from countries other than the United States (if uncertain, see USIA Leaflet 212W, “Countries That Are Not The United States”) or your rotated gross income from Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on non-taxable net disbursements, you must include a Grantor/Transferor Waiver Voucher. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $1,500,000 and seizure of a child.

Under Section 890f, list total farm income (if none give details). If you were born after January 1, 1897, and are not a widow(er), include excess casualty losses and provide carryover figures for depreciation on line 27iii. You must list number of turkeys slaughtered for export. Subtract, but do not deduct, net gross dividends from pro rata interest payments, multiply by the total number of steps in your home and enter on line 356d.

On Schedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Include all electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D but do not include any electrical or non-electrical items not listed on Supplementary Form 243d.

Under “Personal Expenditures”, itemize all cash expenditures of more than one dollar and include verification. If you have had dental work and you are not claiming a refund on the federal oil spill allowance, enter your shoe sizes since birth and enclose specimen shoes (Right foot only) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide line 3f by 3d. Under Section 912g, enter federal income support grants for the production of alfalfa, barley (but not sorghum, unless for home consumption) and okra whether or not you received any. Failure to do so may result in a fine on $3,750,000 and death by lethal injection.

If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living at home but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly ever there and you are not claiming exemption for losses of maritime vessels in excess of 12,000 tonnes deadweight (15,000 tonnes if you are military personnel based in Canada) you must complete and include a Maritime Vessel Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $111,000,000 and a nuclear attack on a small, neutral country.

On Pages 924 through 926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you know personally who are Communist or use drugs (Use extra pages if necessary).

If you have interest earnings from savings accounts, securities, bearer bonds, certificates of deposit or other fiduciary instruments, but do not know your hat size, complete Supplementary Schedules 112d and 112f and enclose with all relevant tables. (Do not send chairs at this time.) Include, but do not collate, ongoing losses from mining investments, commodities transactions and organ transplants, divide by the number of motel visits you made in 1996, and enter in any remaining spaces. If you have unreimbursed employee expenses, tough.

To compute your estimated tax, add lines 27 through 964, deduct lines 45a and 699f from Schedule 2F (if greater or less than 2.2% of average alternative estimated tax for the last five years), multiply by the number of RPMs your car registers when stuck on ice, and add 2. If line 997 is smaller than line 998, start again. In the space marked “Tax Due”, write a very large figure.

Make your check payable to “Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America And To The Republic For Which It Stands, One Nation, Under God With Liberty And Justice For All” and mark for the attention of Connie. On the back of your check write your social security number, Taxpayer Identification Number, IRS Tax Code Audit Number(s), IRS Regional Office Sub-Unit Zone Number (unless you are filing a T/45 Sub-Unit Zone Exclusion Notice), sexual orientation and smoking preference and send to:

Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America
Tax Reception And Orientation Center
Building D
Annex G78
Suite 900
Subduction Zone 12
Box 132677-02
Drawer 2, About Halfway Back
Federal City
Maryland 10001

If you have any questions about filing, or require assistance with your return, phone 1-800-BUSY-SIGNAL. Thank you and have a prosperous 2015. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $125,000 and a long walk to the cooler.

Pizza Anyone?

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the
story swears it’s true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

PM: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

PM: You’re an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

PM: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

PM: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

PM: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

PM: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

PM: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so. ::click::

The “Not Raising Hogs” Business

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,


P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

New Kentucky Proposal

An actual bill pending in Kentucky right now:

A RESOLUTION encouraging the purchase and vigorous use of a SSN-688 Los Angeles Class submarine. These are being decommissioned by the United States Navy and can be bought cheap as surplus.

WHEREAS, in the past few years the scourge of the casino riverboat has been an increasingly significant presence on the Ohio River; and

WHEREAS, the Ohio River borders the Commonwealth of Kentucky; and

WHEREAS, the siren song of payola issuing from the discordant calliopes of these gambling vessels has led thousands of Kentucky citizens to vast disappointment and woe; and

WHEREAS, no good can come to the citizens of Kentucky hypnotized from the siren song issuing from these casino riverboats, the engines of which are fired by the hard-earned dollars lost from Kentucky citizens;


Be it resolved by the House of Representatives of the General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Kentucky:

Section 1. The House of Representatives does hereby encourage the formation of the Kentucky Navy and subsequently immediately encourages the purchase and armament of one particularly effective submarine, to patrol the portion of the Ohio River under the jurisdiction of the Commonwealth to engage and destroy any casino riverboats that the submarine may encounter.

Section 2. The House of Representatives does hereby authorize the notification of the casino riverboat consulate of this Resolution and impending whoopin’ so that they may remove their casino vessels to friendlier waters.

How to Mess With the IRS

  • Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
  • Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
  • Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer’s glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn’t open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
  • If you’re very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
  • On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
  • Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.
  • Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
  • When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
  • If you send 2 checks they’ll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
  • Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
  • Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.