All I Need to Know in Life I Learned from the X-Files

  • If you see a bee, RUN!
  • Avoid being abducted by aliens at all costs
  • Never expect an informant to stick around for long
  • Avoid people dressed in black
  • Glow-in-the-dark bugs are bad
  • Freaky worm mutants that live in sewers are bad
  • Protect your liver from mutant liver-eating men
  • Protect your pituitary gland from mutant pituitary gland-eating men
  • Protect your fat from mutant fat-eating men
  • Always check rocks for gooey alien black oil
  • Make sure your local PTA is demon-free
  • Avoid people with gargoyle fetishes
  • Don’t bring your pet when you go lake monster hunting
  • Don’t smoke
  • Don’t get a red tattoo
  • Don’t drill holes in your head
  • Red eyes are a bad sign
  • If you feel yourself being ‘drawn’ somewhere, in short – don’t go
  • The truth *is* out there…somewhere
  • If it’s iced tea, it could be love, but if it’s root beer, it’s fate.
  • Never leave home without your Superduper Alien-Bounty-Hunter-Killing Fffftttt Stiletto Needle Thing Weapon thing
  • Cable T.V. can be linked to strange behavior – Trust me, I know

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Trees

  • It’s important to have roots.
  • In today’s complex world, it pays to branch out.
  • Don’t pine away over old flames.
  • If you really believe in something, don’t be afraid to go out on a limb.
  • Be flexible so you don’t break when a harsh wind blows.
  • Sometimes you have to shed your old bark in order to grow.
  • If you want to maintain accurate records, keep a log.
  • To be politically correct, don’t wear firs.
  • Grow where you’re planted.
  • It’s perfectly okay to be a late bloomer.
  • Avoid people who would like to cut you down.
  • Get all spruced up when you have a hot date.
  • If the party gets boring, just leaf.
  • You can’t hide your true colors as you approach the autumn of your life.
  • It’s more important to be honest than poplar.

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From My Therapist

  • You should feel guilty.
  • Of course you have to pay for missed appointments.
  • Quit complaining and get a cat.
  • If sex isn’t dirty, you’re doing it wrong.
  • You’re not really ugly. You’re just funny looking.
  • Reality. Try it!
  • Quit blaming your mother. It’s your father’s fault.
  • Learn to dread one day at a time.
  • If you’re really happy, you must be in denial.
  • You’re still having a lousy childhood. Get help!
  • Being happy isn’t for everyone.
  • If you hear voices telling you to go to Hawaii, obey. Just don’t think about it.
  • This is as good as it gets.
  • If your inner child robs a bank, it’s you who will go to jail.
  • Before you start a 12-step program, be sure to see a podiatrist.
  • Sex is no problem. No sex is a problem.
  • Only hams get cured. Uh-huh.

All I Need to Know I Learned From My Teenager

  • I’m not as smart as I thought I was
  • Only other parents are cool
  • Gray hair is inherited from our children
  • I don’t understand anything
  • You can never have enough nachos, pizza, and soda in the house
  • Some 4-letter words are hard to speak at home (love, work, help) and other’s aren’t
  • Toddlers step on your toes, teens step on your heart
  • I can’t cook
  • Rules are meant to be broken
  • You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do
  • Stress is not for adults only
  • A clean room is an oxymoron
  • Friends come first
  • Dinner together is a “foreign” meal
  • Live for today
  • Never take *NO* for an answer
  • Clothes hangers look better on the floor – next to what they were intended to hang
  • Video game strategy can be recited in detail, but don’t ask about homework
  • You’re *amned if you do and you’re *amned if you don’t

All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From My Teddy Bear

  • Hugs are even better than chocolate.
  • There’s no such thing as too many kisses.
  • One good cuddle can change a grumpy day.
  • Love is supposed to wear out your fur a little.
  • It’s okay to let your inside stuffing show now and then.
  • Listening is as important as talking.
  • Someone’s got to keep their eyes open all the time.
  • It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.
  • Everyone needs someone to hold onto.
  • There’s no friend like an old friend.

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Star Trek

  • Seek out new life and new civilizations.
  • Non-interference is the prime directive.
  • Keep your phaser set on stun.
  • Humans are highly illogical.
  • Having a thing is not so pleasing as wanting: it is not logical, but it is often true.
  • Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).
  • Enemies are often invisible, like Klingons, they can be cloaked.
  • There’s no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.
  • Live long and prosper.
  • Infinite Diversity and Infinite Combinations (IDIC).
  • Don’t put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.
  • When your logic fails, trust a hunch.
  • Insufficient data does not compute.
  • If it can’t be fixed, ask Scotty.
  • Even in our own world sometimes we are aliens.
  • When going out into the universe “BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.”

All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From a Sheep

  • Look before you leap
  • Don’t worry, they’ll come home – wagging their tails behind them
  • Never turn your baa-ack on a friend
  • When chewing your cud, remember: there’s no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste
  • Sheep Happens!
  • The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence
  • Don’t let anyone pull the wool over your eyes
  • Remember to say “Fleece and Thank Ewe”
  • If you go in like a lion, come out like a lamb
  • Beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing
  • Believe in shear luck
  • Don’t get your sheep in a bundle!
  • Someday your sheep will come in
  • If you can’t sleep, try counting sheep

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Santa

  • Encourage people to believe in you.
  • Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.
  • Don’t pout.
  • It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.
  • Some days it’s okay to feel a little chubby.
  • Make your presents known.
  • Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
  • Bright red can make anyone look good.
  • Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.
  • If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.
  • Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say: “HO, HO, HO!”

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned by Watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show

  • Don’t dream it, be it.
  • In just seven days (and seven nights), I can make you a man.
  • Castles don’t have phones, so if you go driving on a rainy night, take a cellular phone.
  • And check the spare tire before you go.
  • You can remove the cause, but not the symptom.
  • Don’t get strung out by the way I look – I’m a wild and an untamed thing.
  • It’s not easy having a good time, but it is easy to smear your makeup.
  • I’m a muscle fan, you’d better wise up, build your thighs up.
  • There’s no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, unless you’re in a southern state – then it’s seven years.
  • The only thing I’ve come to trust is an orgasmic rush of lust. Toucha toucha touch me.
  • Old Steve Reeves movies are not too abysmal.
  • The future is ours, so let’s plan it.
  • Time is fleeting, so let’s do the time warp again.
  • Meat Loaf thought he was Divine. Divine was not amused.
  • Stay sane inside insanity. Stay dry in the castle.
  • By the light of the night, it will all seem all right. Of course, you won’t be able to see it.

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Princess Di

  • Housework and child-rearing can be fun when you have 372 servants.
  • No one can blame you for not cooking if you can’t even *find* the kitchen.
  • A good prince is hard to find.
  • If you are going to live with his mother, 400 rooms are not enough.
  • Why limit yourself to a place in the country when you can *have* the country.
  • Don’t let a clown with a crown get you down.
  • There is a new 12-step program for rich men who love too much, are married to women who refuse to eat, and have children who are forbidden to wear long pants.
  • When the going gets tough, the tough go yachting.
  • A prince can turn into a frog.
  • The understanding of what constitutes a dysfunctional family has been raised to royal proportions.
  • A man isn’t the only one whose home is his castle.
  • You *can* be too rich or too thin.
  • When you go out into the world, remember: you don’t need a prince to live happily ever after.