Let This Be A Warning!

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

God and Billboards


New billboards are getting our attention all over the nation. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but a newspaper listed all of them. Here’s a list of all variations of the “God Speaks” billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

  • Tell the kids I love them.
  • Let’s meet at my house Sunday
    before the game.
  • C’mon over
    and bring the kids.
  • What part of “Thou Shalt Not…”
    didn’t you understand?
  • We need to talk.
  • Keep using my name in vain,
    I’ll make rush hour longer.
  • Loved the wedding,
    invite me to the marriage.
  • That “Love Thy Neighbor” thing…
    I meant it.
  • I love you and you
    and you and you and…
  • Will the road you’re on
    get you to my place?
  • Follow me.
  • Big bang theory,
    you’ve got to be kidding.
  • My way is the highway.
  • Need directions?
  • You think it’s hot here?
  • Have you read my #1 best seller?
    There will be a test.
  • Don’t make me come down there.
  • Do you have any idea
    where you’re going?

Signs on Church Property

  • “No God — No Peace. Know God — Know Peace.”
  • “Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”
  • “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”
  • “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
  • “Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”
  • “People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
  • “God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.”
  • “Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!”
  • “When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.”
  • “Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.”
  • “Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”
  • “How will you spend eternity — Smoking or Non-smoking?”
  • “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”
  • “It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
  • “Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
  • “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
  • “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
  • “This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” ———> (U R)
  • “Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”
  • “In the dark? Follow the Son.”
  • “Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.”
  • “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”
  • “God does not believe in atheists, therefore atheists do not exist”
  • “Don’t make me come down there – God”
  • “Keep using my name in vain. I’ll make rush hour longer – God”
  • “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.”
  • “God wants spiritual fruits not religious nuts.”


  • In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
  • In an office: After the coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.
  • On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
  • Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
  • In a laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
  • Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
  • On a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn’t work)
  • Spotted in a safari park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
  • In a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs
  • Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
  • Outside a second-hand shop: We exchange anything — bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
  • Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
  • Also in an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
  • Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
  • Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned… By order of the District Council.


Alles touristen und non-technishen looken peepers! Das machine is nicht fur der fingerpoken und mittengrabben. Is easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und popencorken mit spitzen sparken. Das machine is diggen by experten only. Is nicht fur gerwerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das cottenpiken hands in das pockets. Relaxen und watchen das blinkenlights.

Great Signs

Here are some signs and notices translated to English (for our benefit) that have been recorded from trips throughout the world.

  • In a Tokyo Hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
  • In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
  • In a Leipzig elevator:
    Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
  • In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
  • In a Paris hotel elevator:
    Please leave your values at the front desk.
  • In a hotel in Athens:
    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
  • In a Yugoslavian hotel:
    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
  • In a Japanese hotel:
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
  • In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
  • In an Austrian hotel catering to the skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension.
  • On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
  • On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
  • Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
  • In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
    Drop your trousers here for best results.
  • Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking.
  • In a Rhodes tailor shop:
    Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
  • From the Soviet Weekly:
    There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
  • A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
  • In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
  • In an advertisement by Hong Kong dentist:
    Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
  • In a Rome Laundry:
    Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
  • In a Czechoslovakin tourist agency:
    Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.
  • Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
    Would you like to ride on your own ass?
  • In a Swiss mountain Inn:
    Special today — no ice cream.
  • In a Bangkok temple:
    It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
  • In a Tokyo bar:
    Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
  • In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions.
  • On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    If this is your first visit to the Russia, you are welcome to it.
  • In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
  • In a Budapest zoo:
    Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
  • In the office of a Roman doctor:
    Specialist in women and other diseases.
  • In an Acapulco hotel:
    The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
  • In a Tokyo shop:
    Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
  • From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
  • From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
    When passenger of foot have in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
  • Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    – English well speaking.
    – Here speeching American.