- I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
- Ahhhh, it’s cute.
- Why don’t we just cuddle?
- You know they have surgery to fix that.
- Make it dance.
- Can I paint a smiley face on it?
- Wow, and your feet are so big.
- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
- Oh no… a flash headache.
- (giggle and point)
- Can I be honest with you?
- How sweet, you brought incense.
- This explains your car.
- Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
- Why is God punishing me?
- At least this won’t take long.
- I never saw one like that before.
- But it still works, right?
- It looks so unused.
- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
- Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
- Are you cold?
- If you get me real drunk first.
- Is that an optical illusion?
- What is that?
- It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
- Does it come with an air pump?
- So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
- I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.
- Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
- Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
- Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
- Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!
- Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”
- Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
- Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
- You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
- Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.
- Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
- Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
- The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.
- You know you’ve crossed the midlife threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of “Stairway to Heaven” in the produce department.
- Midlife is when your 1970’s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
- Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
- You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.
And of course,
- Hot Flashes
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
- Night Sweats
The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed.
- Mood Swings
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
- Memory Loss
You write post-it notes with your kid’s names on them.
Your husband chirps, “Hi honey, I’m home,” and your reply is, “Well, if it isn’t Ozzie f**king Nelson.”
The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
- Mild Incontinence
You change your underwear after every sneeze.
- Sudden Weight Gain
You need the ‘Jaws Of Life’ to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.
- Female Hormone Deficiency
You take a sudden interest in”Wrestlemania”.
- Hormone Therapy
You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.
- Both are threatened by their own kind.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Both are bad at asking you questions.
- Both pass gas shamelessly.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both tend to smell riper with age.
- Neither of them tells you what’s bothering them.
- Neither of them does dishes.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door
- When do you care for a man’s company?
When he owns it.
- How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.
- Why do men get married??
So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more
- What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and
an ass to pay for it all.
- How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
- How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
- What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
- What did God say after she made Eve?
“Practice makes perfect.”
- Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
- How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
- What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
- Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
- Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
- Behind every great woman is a man telling her she’s ignoring him.
- He keeps a record of everything he eats. It’s called a tie.
- What’s the quickest way to lose 180 lbs. of ugly fat?
Divorce your husband.
- What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower
- What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
- Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men aren’t that clever either.
- Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn’t ask for directions.
- The Doctor
because he says, “Take your clothes off.”
- The Dentist
because he says, “Open wide.”
- The Hairdresser
because he says,”Do you want it teased or blown?”.
- The Milkman
because he says, “Do you want it in the front or the back?”
- The Interior Decorator
because he says, “Once it’s in, you’ll love it!”
- The Stock Broker
because he says, “It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again.”
- The Banker
because he says, “If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest.
- The Hunter< because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
- The Telephone Guy
because he says, “Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a “good catch” simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- “Ms.” Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Hunks.”
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like: “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” “You’re beautiful,” “Of course you don’t look fat in that outfit.”
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
He does not have a beer gut…
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet…
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is not stupid…
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He does not get lost all the time…
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding…
He is in Follicle Regression.
He is not a cradle robber…
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk…
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He does not have his head up his ass…
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He is not short…
He is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have a rich daddy…
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars…
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body…
He is Physically Combustible.
He is not unsophisticated…
He is Socially Challenged.
He does not eat like a pig…
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He is not a bad dancer…
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is not a sex machine…
He is Romantically Automated.
He does not hog the blankets…
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig…
He has Swine Empathy.
He does not undress you with his eyes…
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
He is not afraid of commitment…
He is Monogamously Challenged.
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:
- Make sure the man is conscious.
- Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.
- Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
- Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.
- Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.
- Use “would you” or “will you” instead of “you’d better” or “do as I say and no one will get hurt.”